Tears of a clown

Spontaniouse is going insane with grad school right now. I was trying to avoid recapping last week's episode until things had settled down a bit, but as with most tests of willpower, I failed. However, this may have to be an abbreviated recap of what may very well be the most ridiculously piece of shit episode of this show ever, which is saying a lot. Could Tyra be trying ANY harder?

1. Here's my two cents on the European immigrants vs. the stupid Americans. For this one and only time, I kinda have to say I'm on Team Samantha, at least regarding the conversation in the car. Let's break it down: Elina claims that it's because of her European background that she's so controlled and can't express emotion. Samantha makes an astute point (who would have believed it?) that Elina has lived here since she was 8 and there for has had plenty of time to adapt to American culture, including how we process emotions, apparently. Elina acts as though Samantha has just asked her the most offensive and culturally insensitive question in the world. Don't worry, Samantha's best friend is black. Now, my 1,000% MORE astute friend Patria wisely pointed out that just because Elina has lived in America that long, it doesn't mean that her European parents have raised her to be expressive. I agree. However, I think then the problem arguably lies with Elina's parents, not the European culture as a whole, even the stereotypically cold and stoic Eastern Europe.

Bottom line according to Spontaniouse? Elina is making EXCUSES and building up a defense for the judges so they'll forgive her for not showing enough emotion. That's really what I find annoying. It's the same old thing. We see it every cycle: Kim, you're too masculine! Suddenly she's having a gender identity crisis. Blah, blah. Shut up, Kim. You don't know what you're talking about. It's not really the contestants' fault though. They're being forced to react to whatever arbitrary fault Tyra and the judges decide to see in them because the winner was already picked on Day 1.

2. Also, I'm not totally clear how Marjorie got involved in this. Yes, she's from France which is also in Europe, just like Russia or the Ukraine or wherever Elina is from, but....have we not seen her break down in tears, like, several times per episode? THIS episode included? Usually at the slightest hint of pressure or criticism? So...maybe Marjorie is now letting out all of the tears that her parents told her to shut up about? This is so stupid. EXCUSES. Besides, aren't the French stereotypically supposed to be overzealous romantics who will also slap your face with a glove at the slightest hint of insult? So...emotional? She should be figuring out some line of defense about how a childhood spent eating cheese and croissant turns someone into a twitchy hunchback. Ring them bells, girl.

Also, ladies: You're white and European. You're SO oppressed. Get over it.

All of this being said, Elina and Marjorie are actually my two favorites, and are way more beautiful than the rest of the girls in the house put together. Wow, imagine: A five-headed model beast!! Oh wait, that's Tyra.

3. The Aswirl Twins. Do they do anything other than be on this show? Can you really make a career out of being gay twins who know how to work a purse? (Well, maybe.) Where does Tyra find these people? It's like she has some gay metropolis completely under her control where people worship at the gay church fashion show and club kids go to die.

4. Speaking of club kids: All props and respect to James St. James and the original club kids, but come on. I really can't believe the show has stooped to putting aging bald gays in a greenscreen body suit for which to model clothes invisibly. What cutting edge technology, Tyra! It looks like an 80's music video. Hold on, let me grab my BK Knights and I'll run right over to Nony Tochterman's and buy her "avante garde" clothes.

5. Nony Tochterman. WHAT is going on there? She looks like she has on one of those clown wigs with the really long fake rubber forehead. Can that be real? Or is she from Candyland? I can't even think of an appropriately funny comparison, I am so baffled. Also, what exactly is "avante garde" about her clothes? They look like pretty basic outfits to me. Nina Garcia needs to slap some sense into that bitch. But only verbally: Nina has the power. Note: Just because you look like a crazy clown grandma does not make your striped tube dress cutting edge fashion.

6. This might be the worst fashion show the girls have ever put on, and that includes the runway show in the Goodwill Parking lot and the high school fashion show when Sarah's boobs popped out, to the delight of a hundred teen boys, and myself. Judges, get off Marjorie's ass though please: She was wearing a GREENSCREEN body suit that COVERED her head. Obviously she could not feel it that her dress slipped down, otherwise she would have picked it up. If in real life her miniscule French boobies had been exposed, she would have (probably) summoned her wits about her enough to pull up the dress. Big Nose Shoket and Crazy Clown Head Tochterman tell her that she should be able to rely on other senses besides sight to know when a dress falls down. Hmmmm...you're in a full body suit that has blocked off your entire head and face, so...sight, smell, sound, touch, taste...DENIED! Is there a sixth sense for fashion? If there is, Nony ain't got it.

All of this advice and whatever the girls are supposed to be learning here is totally negated by the fact that as professional models they would never be in this situation. Like pretty much every other situation or challenge girls face on this show.

Also, back to James St. James for a second: Why is he dressed like a fashion brontosaurus?

7. Back at the house: Sammy gets right back on my shit list for doing an offensive Asian accent. Sheena says she's not offended. O...kay? Also, Samantha has jowls.

8. The Sheena/Elina fight: Boring! Also, it rhymes.

9. Even more boring: Whitney! (Okay, my favorite Contestants Meet A Previous Winner moment: In Cycle 5, when the girls got to meet Eva, and they asked her what it's like to be America's. Next. Top. Model. Eva: Ummmm.....it's good! Oh, Eva. You tried so hard to sound convincing.)

10. The Cover Girl commercial: Wow, I guess Joslyn was actually suffering from something besides the perennial dehydration and exhaustion. Did we really have to see her ralph in the trash can though?

I guess Annaleigh did do a good job, but it's definitely advantageous if the director gives you a big closeup beauty shot.

Marjorie: Predictably twitchy deer in the headlights.

Elina: Has no soul or emotion. Because she's from Europe.

Sheena: Say more funny ghetto things! That's all I care about.

Samantha: I hate you. You have jowls. Where's Lauren Brie?

Who's left? Seriously? Oh, Joslyn.

Let's skip all the rest and go to panel. I have to say, Tyra Banks. You got me with the fake out. But only because I was convinced that you would go with "personality" over "talent" as you so often do. Plus I like Elina and her pictures, which means it's only a matter of time before you take her away from me. But I guess even you could not pretend that Joslyn's speedhead commercial was better than Elina's rather flat one, or that her big honker would look better in a Cover Girl ad than Elina's pretty face.

Also, can't you think of a better way to crush the girls' dreams than announcing the trip BEFORE elimination? Also, idiots: Have you never watched the show that you're competing on? Of COURSE one of you is still going home. Paulina didn't put on no blonde pigtail wig for nothing. She wants to see some tears.

Goddammit. I said I wouldn't do a full write up of this episode, and in truth I haven't: I could go into way more detail about the many things that made this episode ridiculous, but I should have been studying for the last hour instead of letting Tyra Banks rule my life. It's a losing battle.

A parting image: An Aswirl twin as a spinning human windmill. And does anyone else feel that Nigel Barker has given up on life? He seems so quiet and depressed during the panel. Maybe he's finally realized what his life has come to: Being groped by Tyra Banks in front of contestants who make a mockery of the industry he supposedly represents.

HA!! I totally forgot about McKey! So sad...the drag queen's honest truth is that last week I said to my friends that I like her but she's so forgettable, even within the confines of one episode...Ohhhh...sorry, McKey. You're weird-looking but I kind of like it, yet...oops.

Tonight: You know they won't be allowed to show anything explicit, but everyone keep a close watch on the girls for any behavior that seems marijuana-induced. Like, more than usual. Also, Tyra totally makes them be prostitutes.