Thursday, October 2, 2008

"The meat falls on top of your eyes."

Sorry, fierce readers! The Weave is seriously behind. These are the perils of work and grad school, though Wholahay and I would like nothing better than to devote all of our time and energies to making fun of Tyra Banks.

Still, I will do my best to touch upon the highlights of the last few episodes:

First, I don't know if words can properly describe the precursor to the makeovers this year. Of course it was entirely necessary for Tyra to meet with the girls while wearing the biggest tiara in the room and begin by telling another story about just how hard it was to move to Paris at age 17 and become a rich and successful supermodel, as well as describing the trials and tribulations of "MAKING OVER" (god, the subtext is killing me! What could possibly be next!) her career to achieve her lifelong dream of being a talk show host. I'm weeping glycerine tears for her. (Take my portrait, Tyra! You do it so well!) Then Mr. Jay showed up looking like the gayest Prince Charming ever dreamed up somewhere over the rainbow. Apparently the princes of fairy tale dreams also have the same floppy silver Rider Strong hair as gay aliens from the future. Seriously, hair & makeup department: Get Mr. Jay a new wig. Sutan, I'm not blaming you.

Then, sighhhhhhh...Do I even have the energy to discuss Miss Jay showing up as the Evil Queen disguised as a witch? (Hmmm...I guess that's pretty accurate). Tyra spewing apple chunks out of her mouth? Mr. Jay's look of distaste as he leaned in for the Tyra kiss, and then staggered under her weight as he attempted to carry her out of the room? No, not really. All I can say is, new levels of gaydom have been reached. That shit was gayer than RuPaul on crystal meth getting a blow job from Richard Simmons at a Sunday afternoon matinee of Xanadu.

The makeovers. Not much to say about the makeovers, since they really didn't do a whole lot to change the girls' looks. I'm glad that they didn't give my Marjorie a big long weave as I suspected, but the poopy brown isn't really doing anything for her. Also, Tyra: Just because Sheena is Asian and an aspiring model doesn't automatically mean she resembles Kimora Lee Simmons, and so giving her cheap chunky highlights won't do much else but make her hair party like it's 1999.

As for Elina's new look: Meh. It doesn't look that horrible on her, but when Jay first described it, it seemed like he was talking about long, Renaissance-type hair, which sounded like it could be pretty with Elina's pale skin and big eyes:


Instead, she got the clown hair. Also, what was with the whole THIS IS UNLIKE ANY MAKEOVER WE'VE EVER DONE BEFORE!! thing? Somewhere, Cycle 8's Brittany is still slapping at a phantom weave on her head in protest:


I love it too that by giving Elina red hair, that somehow makes her "racially ambiguous." I mean, I have seen some sassy black ladies rocking some fierce red weaves, but Elina still looks whiter than an albino's ass. Though with Tyra's sage advice to be aware while smiling that "the meat falls on top of your eyes", I'm sure she'll be giving Kimora a run for the money soon. Sheena, beware!

And let us not the forget the "I've never loved my mother" comment from Elina and the subsequent outrage from some of the other girls. She and Hannah have now both been totally gang raped. Look, ladies--her schtick is being all intense and depressed and "edgy". She has a tattoo above her vag that says "Ditto Angelina" for chrissakes. (As in the famous one above Angelina's famous vag that says in Latin "What nourishes me, destroys me." Really Elina, I can't roll my eyes back in my head far enough. They've rolled all the way around and come back to center). Of course she hates her mother. And maybe even with good reason. I forget who said it, but just because your mother provides you with food and shelter (which is like, the first rule of motherhood, wouldn't you say?) that doesn't mean that she is emotionally supportive or kind or understanding. That being said, I'm sure Elina is also a big old drama queen on a reality show. But still.

Honestly, I can't even remember who got kicked off two weeks ago. That wicked skinny girl, right? It's all starting to blur together in my mind. But I do know that Tyra prefaced one of the panel discussions by wondering, "Who's goin' back to their hizzle? Fo' shizzle?" She's so racially ambiguous.

On to the controversial elimination of Hannah! Whatever. She walked down that runway like she had a gigantic Alaskan pipeline up her ass, and I was thrilled to see her ignorance and crazy eyes get kicked to the curb. Smell ya later! The only surprising part of it was that I thought for sure they'd keep her around for "controversy" and "drama" for a while longer, but she was just too boring to sustain it.

Same thing with the surprise eliminations of Isis and then Clark this week! In almost one fell swoop, Tyra has gotten rid of all the people on the show who might be deemed "controversial" or the "villain". Further proof that this show stopped bothering to pretend it's not completely rigged by Tyra many a cycle ago. I mean, even before Saleisha "won".

Poor Isis. Despite all of her godfather Tremain's wise advice about being herself, she just couldn't bring it. And for some reason, Tyra decided not to beat the "cause" horse to death. She clearly wanted Isis to feel uncomfortable though, because what else could have truly inspired that water shoot? I mean, besides Tyra's vacation with her friend when she had the GENIUS and ORIGINAL idea to take photos with her eyes just above the water! Wow!!! Will Tyra's creativity never cease? I haven't seen that kind of shot in like 40 perfume/diamonds ads, ever! Also, I love that Tyra thinks she's being all "real" (as usual) by admitting that she takes modeling shots even when she's on vacation with a "friend" (who clearly is not as beautiful or fierce as Tyra, even Tyra sans makeup). Anyway, I wish Isis hadn't been so worried about her bits floating free, since it was only supposed to be an eyes shot. Girl, you are a fierce tranny from Transylvania and you're not even apologizing for it. And I hope you're not homeless anymore.

P.S. Where was Tremain in those difficult days, btw? Too bad they didn't keep Isis on long enough so that Cycle 8's Renee could come back and have a heartfelt discussion with her about being homeless. On a beach in Hawaii. Riiiiiiight. Whatever you say, NeNe.

I was dancing with glee to see Clark go of course, although I will miss making fun of her goat nose every week. Actually, several people have pointed out that she looks sort of like Cycle 4 runner up Kahlen***, which is sort of true. If Kahlen had journeyed through a wardrobe into a magical land called Narnia, and met a friendly faun beneath a lamppost and then gotten down with him to produce a homophobic bitch named Clark:



mr. tumnus



Tell me she does not look like the illegitimate child of Mr. Tumnus. With a denim vagina. Anyway, happy trails to you and your camel toe, Clark! Try not to shoot anyone after you get back home.

My final comment for now is on Tyra's sanctimonious farewell speech to Isis. What the fuck was up with her stumbling through the " I get all of those, Miss Jay?" comment. And with such a fucking eyes-rolled-back-in-her-head insulting shit-eating look on her face? As if she doesn't owe her entire career to the LGBT community? Ughhh. I hate her.

Coming soon: More comments on the last few weeks, and the next segment of You Will See Me Again!

***Side note Kahlen story: My sister lives here in New York too, and over the summer she went out to dinner and her waitress was...Kahlen! Man, this show has done wonders for her. Anyway, my sister hates Tyra Banks with such a passion that she can't even bring herself to watch ANTM anymore (unlike the rest of us desperate addicted souls who just can't look away). But she must have seen it back in the day, because she recognized Kahlen and said, "Hey, didn't you come in third on America's Next Top Model?" Kahlen gave her some major stank eye and said, "Actually, I came in second." Sorry Kahlen! You are beautiful, no matter what they say! Words can't bring you down.

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