Okay, fierce readers. Spontaniouse must apologize for the unintended neglect of the Weave (and missing an ENTIRE CYCLE!!) but the end of grad school kept me from doing any smizing for a while, let alone any writing that was not thesis-related...Aside from time restraints, I actually did not even get to watch the shortie cycle at all because I did not have a TV in my new apartment! However, there is still a LOT of ANTM material that I have yet to cover, and I'm sure Tyra must be brewing up a new cycle somewhere especially now that the Tyra Banks Show, that cultural touchstone of fat suits, Vaseline and on-air toilet training, is going off the air.
Anyway, I'd like to thank some faithful readers for inspiring me to sharpen up my Lee Press-On Nails again and get back to it. First of all, Jesa, to whom Spontaniouse owes an apology--let's get back in touch! And thank you especially to a new Weavologist, a Ms. Hoolahay (YES!) who found the blog for obvious name-related reasons. She emailed me with words kind enough to make even Janice Dickinson weep, as well as the latest and greatest addition to the Church of ANTM, the "Hail Tyra" as we will now call it:
From Ms. Hoolahay:
i just found your blog after trying to find the bitches that stole the correct spelling of my Gmail name.
anywho, keep it up. your blog is funnier than televisionwithoutpity. please come back post-midget cycle.
WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU!
i always like to leave in prayer:
hail tyra
full of fierce
wardrobe is with thee
blessed art thou among models
and blessed is thy show, antm.
holy tyra
mother of the fashion related reality show,
pray for us modelettes now
and at the hour of makeover.
amen.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, June 18, 2009
"Anonymous is a better Tyra Banks than Tyra Banks."
HA! This is a weird yet funny tribute to Allison, everyone's favorite goth Bratz doll. She actually has an interesting history. Check out the fourfour blog too for some awesome new videos starring Allison and a fierce cat.
Also, I love how in the clip of Allison before the judging panel for the first time at semi-finals, Tyra manages to finally prove once and for all that her experience always holds more weight than anything any other aspiring model in the world could possibly go through, including a fixation with blood. Allison WANTS a nosebleed, but Tyra used to "get them ALL the time as a child." Of course you did, Tyra. If you check out the childhood photos on the official Tyra Banks website, you can also see that she had the worst case of chicken pox ever known to humankind. Nobody has ever been more itchy than Tyra Banks. And she ABSOLUTELY had a nose job. I've talked about this before. I can't help it.
Also, I love how in the clip of Allison before the judging panel for the first time at semi-finals, Tyra manages to finally prove once and for all that her experience always holds more weight than anything any other aspiring model in the world could possibly go through, including a fixation with blood. Allison WANTS a nosebleed, but Tyra used to "get them ALL the time as a child." Of course you did, Tyra. If you check out the childhood photos on the official Tyra Banks website, you can also see that she had the worst case of chicken pox ever known to humankind. Nobody has ever been more itchy than Tyra Banks. And she ABSOLUTELY had a nose job. I've talked about this before. I can't help it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
MY HERO
"(202): I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Textual healing
If you need to waste even more time on the Internets, check out my new favorite website:
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com
It's exactly what it sounds like--people send in the ridiculous texts they've sent or received, usually while under the influence. I have to include this one, which is not the funniest one I've read by a long shot, but is totally appropriate, obviously. Way to go, Coney Island!
(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com
It's exactly what it sounds like--people send in the ridiculous texts they've sent or received, usually while under the influence. I have to include this one, which is not the funniest one I've read by a long shot, but is totally appropriate, obviously. Way to go, Coney Island!
(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
You WILL See Me Again: Robin, Cycle 1
Oh, my fierce ones. Your Weaveologist Spontaniouse is utterly exhausted. A dinner party at my pal Jessica's last night turned into an all-night 90's dance party. It's amazing how many songs you can remember loving in middle school and high school once you get going. I have a renewed love for the Gin Blossoms, and not just because they are a staple of the Empire Records soundtrack. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!
Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.
Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.
She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.
Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.
Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.
She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
You should only feel the Novocaine in your lips
All I have to say for right now is: Teyona, you are no Bebe Zahara Benet.
I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.
http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/338274/part-6-of-ep-5-rupauls-drag-race.jhtml?id=1604030
Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.
I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.
http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/338274/part-6-of-ep-5-rupauls-drag-race.jhtml?id=1604030
Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Rita Hayworth gave good face
But Allison does not, despite what the judges might believe (or pretend to believe so as to continue on the already-decided weeks ago arc of who exactly will be in the top 3 according to Tyra's master plan).
Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.
In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:
1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!
2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.
3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)
4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?
5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.
6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.
That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.
Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.
Post-makeover Allison:
Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:
And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.
Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.
In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:
1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!
2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.
3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)
4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?
5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.
6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.
That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.
Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.
Post-makeover Allison:
Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:
And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.
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