Thursday, June 18, 2009

"Anonymous is a better Tyra Banks than Tyra Banks."

HA! This is a weird yet funny tribute to Allison, everyone's favorite goth Bratz doll. She actually has an interesting history. Check out the fourfour blog too for some awesome new videos starring Allison and a fierce cat.

Also, I love how in the clip of Allison before the judging panel for the first time at semi-finals, Tyra manages to finally prove once and for all that her experience always holds more weight than anything any other aspiring model in the world could possibly go through, including a fixation with blood. Allison WANTS a nosebleed, but Tyra used to "get them ALL the time as a child." Of course you did, Tyra. If you check out the childhood photos on the official Tyra Banks website, you can also see that she had the worst case of chicken pox ever known to humankind. Nobody has ever been more itchy than Tyra Banks. And she ABSOLUTELY had a nose job. I've talked about this before. I can't help it.

Thursday, June 11, 2009


"(202): I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Textual healing

If you need to waste even more time on the Internets, check out my new favorite website:

It's exactly what it sounds like--people send in the ridiculous texts they've sent or received, usually while under the influence. I have to include this one, which is not the funniest one I've read by a long shot, but is totally appropriate, obviously. Way to go, Coney Island!

(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

Thursday, June 4, 2009

You WILL See Me Again: Robin, Cycle 1

Oh, my fierce ones. Your Weaveologist Spontaniouse is utterly exhausted. A dinner party at my pal Jessica's last night turned into an all-night 90's dance party. It's amazing how many songs you can remember loving in middle school and high school once you get going. I have a renewed love for the Gin Blossoms, and not just because they are a staple of the Empire Records soundtrack. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!

Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.

Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.





She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.


Thursday, May 14, 2009

You should only feel the Novocaine in your lips

All I have to say for right now is: Teyona, you are no Bebe Zahara Benet.

I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.

Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Rita Hayworth gave good face

But Allison does not, despite what the judges might believe (or pretend to believe so as to continue on the already-decided weeks ago arc of who exactly will be in the top 3 according to Tyra's master plan).

Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.

In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:

1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!


2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.

3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)

4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?

5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.

6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.

That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.

Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.

Post-makeover Allison:


Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:


And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.


Monday, March 30, 2009


Kids, I'm slightly drunk and listening to Missy Elliot. And I can't apologize enough for being behind in the Weave. Stupid grad school. I actually sat down last week with my laptop, fully prepared to take notes on last week's episode, and then my piece of shit TV did not want to present Channel 11 to me. Fuck! Normally I watch ANTM at my friend Mary's on her fancy cable instead of on our questionable saved-from-the-garbage television. Foiled!

Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.

Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.

Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.

Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

For Fierce Eyes Only

That is totally the new banner on my cell phone.

Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?

The Bitches:

No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.

Let's start with the ones I like:

....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).

Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.

Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!

I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.

To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.

Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


This happened over the weekend, so it might be old news to some of you, fierce readers, but check out the calamity that occurred on Saturday at the New York audition for the next crop of bitches! Did Bianca show up to lead a rumble? Or are the shorties just extra desperate? Either way, this bodes well for a new season that is less boring than the new one already is.

Either way, it was only a matter of time before Tyra inspired a bloodbath:

Also, my apologies to you, fierce readers, for being so behind with the Weavecaps so far. I'm in my last semester of grad school, and for once I must prioritize my own life's work over Tyra's. But some intense writing is about to begin, which means some intense procrastinating will be in order too.

Monday, March 9, 2009

"Gentlemen, start your engines...And may the best woman win!"

Now, ladies. I know that we have an entire new cycle of ANTM to ridicule, and that Ms. Spontaniouse needs to get crackin'! (Rumor has it that the elusive Wholahay might even be contributing to the Weave again during this new rotation of crazies, sob stories and smiling with your eyes.) I would include "epileptics" in that list, but sadly, our token "disordered" model has already been sent on her way to the great photo shoot in the sky, a place where there is only soft glow and no strobe lights.

But before we get to any of that, fierce readers, you must first learn about a show that I believe has actually superseded Top Model in gayness, fierceness and sparkles. I am serious. Spontaniouse has finally taken another lover, and that lover is RuPaul's Drag Race.

I had kind of heard of the show and was kind of skeptical, but last weekend changed all that. I went to Philadelphia for the weekend to celebrate my fierce friend Patria's birthday, and after a night of bar dancing and a day of historical sightseeing nerdery, by the time dinner time rolled around, we needed a break to rest before hitting the town again. The friend we were staying with recommended Miss Ru's show, and from the second it began we were hooked like crack whores. We watched four episodes in a row and moaned when none were left.

Let me try to explain: This is the perfect storm of a reality show. It's like a delicious swirly combination of America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance. (Which are my all-time top three reality shows, just so you know). Each week, the ladies have different challenges: photo shoots, making their own outfits, dance performances, etc. While they're working on their various projects, RuPaul will come in to see how they're doing, much like the esteemed and beloved Miss Tim Gunn. Ru even dresses a bit like La Gunn in these segments, in a fab suit & glasses. He chats with each of the girls, asks them some questions and gives a little bit of advice (but not as explicitly as Tim Gunn) and then gives them a little group pep talk, ending with the inspirational command--no, not "Make it work!"--but "Don't fuck it up!" I give Miss Ru triple snaps for being to the point!

Then we take it to the judges' panel. Our panel is headed up by Miss Ru (in full drag regalia now, of course--girl has to make a serious entrance) and some random fashion people I don't really care about, except for the occasional appearance of Bob Mackie AND permanent judge...Santino, of Project Runway (and Tim Gunn impression) fame! Santino is TOTALLY weird and supposedly bisexual according to his crazy website, but I heart the P.Way and it's funny to have him there. He actually has some pretty sound opinions. Anyway! We get the magical pleasure of a full-on drag runway show, and then the ladies are judged on their challenges. One winner is announced, and then Ru informs the bottom two that the time has come for them to "LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!"

Oh yes. Then a dueling lip sync battle ensues, to various fabulous gay anthems, including (of course) "Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Miss Ru herself, and joy of joys, "The Greatest Love of All" by Miss Whitney "Hell to the no!" Houston. RuPaul then decides who will " stay" and who will "Sashay...away." (I am spelling those words the way they're spelled in the lyrics to Supermodel, but I'm sure there's some proper French dance term spelling with accent aigus that I am unable to accomplish because I am still unfamiliar with this Mac).

As my fabulous friend Mike said last night after witnessing his first lip sync battle: "I could watch an hour of just that." ME TOO.

Every single person I have watched this show with in the last week has gotten completely addicted to it, including my straight boy roommate Aniss. Loves it.

Now, I must confess--for all the crazy fabulous campiness of this show, I think the real reason that I am TRULY in love with RuPaul's Drag Race is because for the first time in a while I have developed a celebrity crush that might only rival the days when I was singing "Happy Birthday" to my New Kids on the Block poster on the appropriate five days a year. Yes. I did. Anyway!

I am in love, and I am in love with Nina Flowers. If Nina doesn't win this whole thing, it will be a bigger pile of bullshit than Saleisha winning Top Model just because she was all up in Tyra's T-Zone.

Nina Flowers is so fucking fierce. She's got this crazy androgynous punk rock glam look going on, but she can also turn around and be totally vintage or retro looking. She is from Puerto Rico and has an adorable accent, and is totally sassy but not a bitch. She's a makeup artist in real life, and it shows.

The other thing that I love about her is that I am totally endeared to her when she ISN'T in drag too. And this is where it gets crazy--and proves her talent as a queen, I think--because in person and out of drag, Miss Nina is a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He looks like someone who would punch you at a German rave, and he is totally hot. Then he turns into the most glittering bird of fierceness on stage! I am totally sexually attracted to both sides of Nina, and it is causing me lesbian confusion. And I kind of love it.

Best of all, I totally friended Miss Nina on myspace, and wrote her a long gushy message about how fabulous she is, and she totally wrote back to me the next day! She is such a darling and I love her. She's also blogging about each of the episodes on her myspace blog, and her inside scoop is totally cute and sweet!

Seriously, watch the show. You won't believe it.


nina flowers

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

One of you will be America's. Next. Top.....Model

Here we go again, bitches!!! Who's excited? I am more excited than Tyra at a potato chip factory.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

More gratuitous Yoanna

One our favorite Weaveologists, beliefunwrought, mentioned the gorgeous Yoanna's awesome helmet pic. I once wore a bike helmet in a Christmas card photo with my friends that I lived with the year after I graduated from college. Long story. Anyway, here's the fabulous Yoanna! Her face is flawless.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cycle Deux: YOU HAD SEX?!?!

First of all, I'm watching Obama's address to Congress right now, and I'm wondering how many standing O's Nancy Pelosi can actually start. I'd also really love somebody to do a slow clap.

Ha! Somebody totally just tried to start some applause, but it quickly died out in embarrassment. Don't you kind of hate when that happens, like during a play, after a sad musical number or devastating scene? And you can just READ THE FUCKING mind of the audience, because you've become a symbiotic being, all thinking: Do we clap? Do we...clap...clap...uhhh, no. I always imagine the embarrassment of the few people who actually clapped, how they stop clapping as quickly as possible and then look around furtively to see if anyone noticed them clapping.

Okay, my roommate wants to switch over to Desperate Housewives, which is one crappy show I never actually got into, so let us continue to the crappy show that I absolutely am far too into: Nah nah nah nah nah...

"I absolutely refuse to wear heels!...But I would like to be a little taller."

Ahhh...had anyone else forgotten about the nonsensical joys of Season 2's Jenaschia?


I had also forgotten about the shining comic gem that is Xiomara and her crazy eyes. I wish I could show you the still frame that my fierce friends Lauronda and Mike and I were howling over, after Mike managed to pause the show at the exact right moment after the fifth try: "Wait! Wait! I have it this time!" This moment is hard to adequately explain with words alone. Back in the days of panel challenges, the Season 2 girls had to walk down the runway at judging for Miss J. and of course, Tyra and the other forgettable gay judge, plus the awful/useless Nole Marin and the always handsome/skeevy Nigel Barker. Xiomara was a tall girl with kind of a muscular frame, and crazy eyes that made her look like she was about to transform into a werewolf or perhaps rip off her face to reveal the alien creature within. She walks down the runway with her crazy eyes glaring like twin moons of death, stops and poses at the end of the runway, and then does this weird double head bob while her eyes flicker back and forth like an insect, and then finally stop when she is glaring out of the side of her eyes at the judges. We finally managed to pause the screen on this exact moment, and I tell you, fierce readers: Ms. Tyra never had eyes so crazy. And that is saying something.

(Mike also invented this scary throaty monster voice for Xiomara's inner alien. She mostly just said: "ELIMINATED.")


I couldn't find a picture that did the crazy eyes justice, but you can kind of see them in there. Waiting. Okay, I'll stop now because this is clearly going to be funny pretty much only to me, Mike and Lauronda.

Moving on: Season 2! Infamous for the "YOU HAD SEX?!?" incident and one of the original great ANTM bitches: Camille, self described "Miss Jamaica...1st runner up" and a woman who is "maybe just a bit more educated than some of these other girls." Oh, Camille. That is your signature walk, and that is the walk that's going to make you famous. Bitch Avenue, that is! Oh snap!


I loved how Camille thought she was all classy, but let's examine this picture, shall we? What's awesomer? Her Fraggle hair, the visible deodorant in her armpit, or the sweetheart-cut denin tube top with the clothesline halter? Speaking of classy and Camille, there was this other hilarious moment when she was having a little heart-to-heart with Tyra at the house, leaning over the arm of the chair and sipping on her BLUSH wine. Give me a break, Camille, and pass the Carlo Rossi.

Let's also not forget about the first girl to be kicked off this season: Anna, the wife and mother from Georgia or somewhere down South. She got kicked off for refusing to do the semi-nude body paint shoot. While crying to some crew member about this, she explained her feelings about it. I'm going to write it out in play form so that you can get the full effect:

Anna: (through shuddering sobs) It's (gasp!) just that (gasp!) the only one who's seen me (gasp!) is my (sob) HUSBAND! And if I let everybody (gasp!) see it then (weeping, sobbing) it won't be (gasp!) special when I (sob) show! (sobbing).

I like how she says "it", like she's specifically referring to her vagina, and not her nude body in the abstract. Because you know she is. Also, when confronted about her decision at panel, Nole Marin or perhaps the excellently crazy Janice Dickinson asks her if it's because she's religious. Anna replies, and again this is a direct quote, "I'm not religious. I just try to be Christlike."

You can imagine how Ms. Janice took this. Speaking of which, hollaaaa Janice!! We miss you and your plastic surgery, girl. She was looking supremely wacked out in this episode, too. She was so gorgeous back in the day!

Anyway, I never understand the girls who freak out about the nudity when they come on this show. Like, honestly? Have they never SEEN the show before? There are always photo shoots with a certain degree of nudity. How can you possibly not have known that this was a potential scenario? Also, do you seriously think you want to be an actual working model when you refuse to do nudity? It comes with the territory, ladies, at least for girls with serious careers. Like, even the girls on Project Runway who complain sometimes about feeling too naked and make the designers change things around---1. I don't get it and 2. That is proof enough of how different the fashion world is on reality T.V. vs. the actual world where Donatalla Versace would cut a bitch if some model tried to plead modesty to make them change a garment minutes before a runway show.

Right! The thing people forget about the early seasons is how much more hands-on Tyra was (or at least pretended to be) with the girls. She would show up at the house to talk to them and give sage advice, sometimes with the help of her mother, the inestimable Carol London. She'd actually give some posing lessons or give them suggestions at the actual photo shoot, like showing Xiomara the best way to crouch in front of a wall so as not to flash too much crotch while pretending to be Grace Jones. Now she's only ever at the judging (or the girls meet her at her talk show. Can you believe she's actually won some Emmys?) Or she arrives to show off her remarkable talent as a photographer. The remarkable way she points and clicks in natural light. Remember during the Whitney season when Tyra was SO SCARED to do the photo shoot because it was the FIRST TIME she hadn't shot in NATURAL LIGHT? Bitch, please! Like you set up that lighting. Just like in nature, that shit was set up for you when you got there. You just pressed the button.

Arghhhhhh. Sometimes, when I really think about how much time and energy Tyra Banks has sucked out of my life, it's actually pretty sad. I'm sad for myself. But...then the fierceness takes over again.

Still, it was good to see the show back before it had become a completely insane parody of itself. Back when the majority of the girls actually looked as though they could be models. With, of course, a few exceptions. There always have to be a few crazies/lameos/fuggos that Tyra can pick off at will while she spins the contrived weave we're meant to believe is a fair and unbiased competition. Ha. WEAVE.

Also, I think Yoanna really was the most beautiful contestant ever on the show, and the most deserving winner. Her face is just perfection. She looked so fabulous with that short haircut.


Shandi's might also be the best makeover ever accomplished on the show. Now, feelings on Shandi's beauty are divided.
She was way too skinny, totally awkward in person, and had sort of severe features in a plain a lot of actual working runway models. The scary thing about her, aside from or perhaps because of how incredibly bony she was, Shandi was the one who looked the most like a real model. I say it again. Still, she really did need the old toss-out-the-hair-pull-off-the-glasses 80's teen movie makeover thing to happen. And it did!



Yoanna and Shandi were definitely my two favorites in Season 2, and are probably two of the most beautiful girls out of the whole show for me. So thank you, ANTM. Thank you.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Bitch shot a bullet in my weave!


This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Aside from the fact that some asshole tried to kill a woman, this is truly the greatest story ever told. Sorry, Jesus. A thousand props to my fierce friend Patria for bringing this to my attention:

You HAVE to watch the video. That is the best part, not only because of our fierce survivor, but because of how many times the newscasters say "weave" and for their clear confusion about just how a weave functions. They should watch more ANTM.

Also, the bullet in the corner of the video still frame looks like a metal dildo.

Best line: "I've been wearing it for years! And I've invested a lot of money into this weave, and it saved my life! It saved my life."

"Halfway Back To Sane"

Yeah, well--I think we all know that our favorite undiscovered supermodel wasn't ever anywhere close to sane, let alone halfway. However, that phrase is supposed to apply to the wounded feelings of the shitty lead singer of the awful band that made this asstrocious music video, the only redeeming quality of which is that we get to see our own Jade from Cycle 6 run around in a naughty nurse's uniform in mental institution!

Seriously, everything about this video sucks. The song sucks, the singing sucks, the "acting" sucks, the production value sucks, but I think mostly the lyrics suck. I would say watch it without the sound on, because the music makes absolutely no difference in your enjoyment of watching Jade walk fiercely down a hallway pushing a wheelchair, but then again, maybe you want to actually know how craptastic this song is. Who let these people make a video??

The real crowning jewel for me though is that the singer totally looks like Joey Jeremiah in his Degrassi: The Next Generation days, who (as some of you might know) did once have musical aspirations on the show during the junior high years, but I honestly think that the pre-teen gentlemen of The Zit Remedy could have come up with better lyrics than "my hands are still raw from holding on to lost love" and "I already know the name of pain".

GROAAAAAAAN. You know that that dude thinks those words are SO DEEP. And how fucking STUPID is the band name "Telling On Trixie"? Ughhhh....Hoobastank still holds the title of Worst Band Name Ever, but these guys are giving them a run for the money.

Anyway, check out our beautiful biracial butterfly:

And in case you were wondering, fierce readers, I'm not including this video in Jade's You WILL See Me Again segment because I'm sitting on some DELICIOUS pictures of her for that.

Also, this might be old news to some of you, but Jade is actually also in the Jay-Z "Change Clothes" video, so good for her! How hilarious that she would actually be involved with a project that includes Tyra's arch-nemesis, Naomi Campbell. Sorry, Tyra--it doesn't matter how many phones Ms. Campbell throws at her assistant or how many times you mention that she fell on her ass on the runway one time, if you ask someone who THE black supermodel of the 1990's was, they're gonna say Naomi. (Psssst--she's still actually modeling, too, unlike a certain talk show host who shall remain nameless).

Jay-Z totally mentions weaves in this song! Awesome. Also, is that Kelly Ripa in the audience? Weird. And that model with the shaved head is HOT. And, oh god oh god oh god--that is SO model/actress Omahyra Mota on the runway around the 3:42 and the 3:52 mark, and I think she is basically the hottest thing that has ever lived. Okay, Spontaniouse. Calm yourself. Okay, I am calm. Jade appears right after her, starting around the 3:56 mark. Go Jade! You might not be America's Next Top Model or America's Next Top Best Friend, but you made it into a video with Hova. Nice work. Remind me again which part of the dinosaur family elephants belong to?

Sorry, the embedding is disabled for this video, but here's the link:

And for those of you not familiar with Degrassi, I give you Joey Jeremiah:


Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Well, fierce readers, you may have already heard, but the premiere of the new cycle of ANTM has been pushed back a week, from February 25th to March 4th. The premiere will also be a special 2-hour episode. So, basically they are cramming two episodes into one and making us wait an extra week for the addiction to take over our lives again, no matter how hard we try to resist (okay, I never try to resist), no matter how many runway shows in a Goodwill parking lot we have to accept as high-fashion training or how many times Tyra uses onomatopoeia to impart almost 20 years of fashion industry wisdom to racist high school students from Alaska and cage dancers from Beaver Falls, PA.

Actually, all quips aside, the truest indication of how deep Tyra has her claws in me is that fact that I watched the entire Saleisha season and still returned for more torture after that catastrophe was finally over. It was, in the immortal words of Cher Horowitz, a total travesty.


This also means that your faithful Weavologist Spontaniouse has to wait another week to dish the dirt and her extra-informed opinion of the first runway show of the season! I got to go to the taping if you recall, but I also had to sign a confidentiality agreement that is SO CLOSE to expiring! And now I have to wait! For no good reason, I'm sure. Dammit, Ken Mok!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

America's Next Top Idol

All right, fierce readers. Just when you thought ANTM couldn't get any gayer, an announcement like this is made. It might be the gayest announcement about ANTM ever. And it has nothing to do with Miss J's inability to wear pants. (Or does it??)

Clay Aiken to appear on 'America's Next Top Model'

Feb 4, 2009. EW has learned exclusively that American Idol's season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will participate in an acting challenge with the ladies -- and serve as a guest judge on the panel -- in an April episode of America's Next Top Model. Ciara will also stop by for a photo shoot that week but -- ah, who cares! Claymates set your Tivo now! The series' 12th cycle kicks off Feb. 25 on The CW.


I don't even know where to start with this one. Oh wait, yes I do. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian leprechaun. Somebody PLEASE cut that hair and I would say do something about his eyebrows, but I suppose that would really only serve to make him look gayer, if that's possible. See, here I'm starting with my complete befuddlement over the Clay Aiken appeal in general. I'll get to the ANTM portion in a moment.

The Claymate thing! I SOOO don't get it! Young girls and middle-aged women everywhere fall all over their damn selves because of him! He does have a very nice voice and he's talented, but the crushing? If you go to the actual web page to read that article, you will notice that the fourth comment is by some woman named Flo (how appropriate) and she's gushing over how handsome he is. What? Liking his music is one thing, but where is this supposed sex appeal coming from? Could they have really had flickering hopes in their little girl (and middle-aged) hearts that one day, somehow, they'd fall in love? (I know that I imagined being Mrs. Jordan Knight more than once, but that made perfect sense. I'll be loving YOU forever, Jordan). Clay has always been more transparently gay than the ghost of Paul Lynde, which isn't to say that we ladies can't desperately crush out on gay dudes with non-traditional sex appeal (hello, Neil Patrick Harris!) but Clay Aiken...I don't get it. Did you know that his "autobiography" is called "Measure of a Man"? Well, Clay, way to make clear what's important in your life.

And he thought we wouldn't figure out the gayness until AFTER he had an inseminated baby with a 50-year old woman named Jaymes? COME. ON.

Anyway. Before you ask yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about fashion?" (Maybe middle-aged ladies like him because they're into the same kind of jeans), start asking yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about acting?" Yes, as the article points out, Clay will be there to judge an acting challenge, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than him being involved in any other way, since he is the rare breed of gay that has absolutely no sense of the fabulous.

(Oh man, I REALLY hope that he tries to queen it up around Miss Jay and Tyra on that panel. It would be like if Anthony Michael Hall's big Breakfast Club secret was that he'd been caught with gay porn in his locker and then decided to really embrace his true self after he made some cool friends).

Here's the thing. Clay Aiken's only real acting credit to date is his starring role on Broadway in Spamalot, in which he basically just had to play himself: A dumb goofy singing white dude. For the love of Taye Diggs, surely there have to be legions of unemployed actors who actually have some kind of resume who would be willing to spend an hour filming a reality show? Was Freddie Prinze Jr. like really busy this fall?

The only explanation I can think of is that gays do revolve around Planet Tyra like glowing little moons, and there might be another layer of some unforeseen reasoning behind this that might become clear when we see the episode. If singing is involved, it could be awesome. I'd love to try to see the girls attempt to have even an iota of Broadway pizzazz. Mostly because I would then like to see what Tyra will do to show them how she could have done it better. Remember: It's not like oooh, it's like ahhhh! Do you see the difference?

T minus 20 days till the new season. Get your weaves sewn on tight, ladies. I have a feeling the ride is going to be bumpier than Furonda's skin.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Return of the Weave

Kids, the new season is on its way. Spontaniouse will be back in full force, I promise. I swear on Tyra's mama's perspiration.

I spent all day last Sunday watching the new Top Model Obsessed! Marathon of Cycle 6 on Oxygen. (Perhaps my favorite season. Beautiful biracial butterfly! Zip it, bitch! Ebony and ivory, sucka! Floetry!) What did I NOT do? Work on my Master's thesis. I mean, what's more important, really?

In the meantime, check out Cycle 10's Claire on the February 2009 cover of Parents Magazine! I happened to be looking for a magazine to buy to read on the train when I spied her. I also spotted her in a Kodak ad in People Magazine recently. I'm so proud! Claire and I were pals for a semester in college before she transferred. I always wondered what happened to her, when lo and behold, she showed up on ANTM! That's her daughter Halina on the cover with her--adorable!