Monday, March 30, 2009


Kids, I'm slightly drunk and listening to Missy Elliot. And I can't apologize enough for being behind in the Weave. Stupid grad school. I actually sat down last week with my laptop, fully prepared to take notes on last week's episode, and then my piece of shit TV did not want to present Channel 11 to me. Fuck! Normally I watch ANTM at my friend Mary's on her fancy cable instead of on our questionable saved-from-the-garbage television. Foiled!

Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.

Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.

Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.

Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

For Fierce Eyes Only

That is totally the new banner on my cell phone.

Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?

The Bitches:

No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.

Let's start with the ones I like:

....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).

Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.

Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!

I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.

To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.

Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


This happened over the weekend, so it might be old news to some of you, fierce readers, but check out the calamity that occurred on Saturday at the New York audition for the next crop of bitches! Did Bianca show up to lead a rumble? Or are the shorties just extra desperate? Either way, this bodes well for a new season that is less boring than the new one already is.

Either way, it was only a matter of time before Tyra inspired a bloodbath:

Also, my apologies to you, fierce readers, for being so behind with the Weavecaps so far. I'm in my last semester of grad school, and for once I must prioritize my own life's work over Tyra's. But some intense writing is about to begin, which means some intense procrastinating will be in order too.

Monday, March 9, 2009

"Gentlemen, start your engines...And may the best woman win!"

Now, ladies. I know that we have an entire new cycle of ANTM to ridicule, and that Ms. Spontaniouse needs to get crackin'! (Rumor has it that the elusive Wholahay might even be contributing to the Weave again during this new rotation of crazies, sob stories and smiling with your eyes.) I would include "epileptics" in that list, but sadly, our token "disordered" model has already been sent on her way to the great photo shoot in the sky, a place where there is only soft glow and no strobe lights.

But before we get to any of that, fierce readers, you must first learn about a show that I believe has actually superseded Top Model in gayness, fierceness and sparkles. I am serious. Spontaniouse has finally taken another lover, and that lover is RuPaul's Drag Race.

I had kind of heard of the show and was kind of skeptical, but last weekend changed all that. I went to Philadelphia for the weekend to celebrate my fierce friend Patria's birthday, and after a night of bar dancing and a day of historical sightseeing nerdery, by the time dinner time rolled around, we needed a break to rest before hitting the town again. The friend we were staying with recommended Miss Ru's show, and from the second it began we were hooked like crack whores. We watched four episodes in a row and moaned when none were left.

Let me try to explain: This is the perfect storm of a reality show. It's like a delicious swirly combination of America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance. (Which are my all-time top three reality shows, just so you know). Each week, the ladies have different challenges: photo shoots, making their own outfits, dance performances, etc. While they're working on their various projects, RuPaul will come in to see how they're doing, much like the esteemed and beloved Miss Tim Gunn. Ru even dresses a bit like La Gunn in these segments, in a fab suit & glasses. He chats with each of the girls, asks them some questions and gives a little bit of advice (but not as explicitly as Tim Gunn) and then gives them a little group pep talk, ending with the inspirational command--no, not "Make it work!"--but "Don't fuck it up!" I give Miss Ru triple snaps for being to the point!

Then we take it to the judges' panel. Our panel is headed up by Miss Ru (in full drag regalia now, of course--girl has to make a serious entrance) and some random fashion people I don't really care about, except for the occasional appearance of Bob Mackie AND permanent judge...Santino, of Project Runway (and Tim Gunn impression) fame! Santino is TOTALLY weird and supposedly bisexual according to his crazy website, but I heart the P.Way and it's funny to have him there. He actually has some pretty sound opinions. Anyway! We get the magical pleasure of a full-on drag runway show, and then the ladies are judged on their challenges. One winner is announced, and then Ru informs the bottom two that the time has come for them to "LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!"

Oh yes. Then a dueling lip sync battle ensues, to various fabulous gay anthems, including (of course) "Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Miss Ru herself, and joy of joys, "The Greatest Love of All" by Miss Whitney "Hell to the no!" Houston. RuPaul then decides who will " stay" and who will "Sashay...away." (I am spelling those words the way they're spelled in the lyrics to Supermodel, but I'm sure there's some proper French dance term spelling with accent aigus that I am unable to accomplish because I am still unfamiliar with this Mac).

As my fabulous friend Mike said last night after witnessing his first lip sync battle: "I could watch an hour of just that." ME TOO.

Every single person I have watched this show with in the last week has gotten completely addicted to it, including my straight boy roommate Aniss. Loves it.

Now, I must confess--for all the crazy fabulous campiness of this show, I think the real reason that I am TRULY in love with RuPaul's Drag Race is because for the first time in a while I have developed a celebrity crush that might only rival the days when I was singing "Happy Birthday" to my New Kids on the Block poster on the appropriate five days a year. Yes. I did. Anyway!

I am in love, and I am in love with Nina Flowers. If Nina doesn't win this whole thing, it will be a bigger pile of bullshit than Saleisha winning Top Model just because she was all up in Tyra's T-Zone.

Nina Flowers is so fucking fierce. She's got this crazy androgynous punk rock glam look going on, but she can also turn around and be totally vintage or retro looking. She is from Puerto Rico and has an adorable accent, and is totally sassy but not a bitch. She's a makeup artist in real life, and it shows.

The other thing that I love about her is that I am totally endeared to her when she ISN'T in drag too. And this is where it gets crazy--and proves her talent as a queen, I think--because in person and out of drag, Miss Nina is a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He looks like someone who would punch you at a German rave, and he is totally hot. Then he turns into the most glittering bird of fierceness on stage! I am totally sexually attracted to both sides of Nina, and it is causing me lesbian confusion. And I kind of love it.

Best of all, I totally friended Miss Nina on myspace, and wrote her a long gushy message about how fabulous she is, and she totally wrote back to me the next day! She is such a darling and I love her. She's also blogging about each of the episodes on her myspace blog, and her inside scoop is totally cute and sweet!

Seriously, watch the show. You won't believe it.


nina flowers

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

One of you will be America's. Next. Top.....Model

Here we go again, bitches!!! Who's excited? I am more excited than Tyra at a potato chip factory.