Sunday, September 21, 2008


To return to a brief point in my last post: Tyra, your wildest dream will never come true. You will never be Oprah. And this pathetic attempt on your show to rival Oprah's generosity is just the most hilarious example of the failure of what I like to call Tyra's Oprah ASSpirations.

Okay, I know that Bedazzled VaselineGate is pretty old news by now, but let's re-examine this clip from Tyra's show again, because it's just fucking insane. Sorry that the sound is a little out of sync.

1. I haven't seen the rest of the episode, but I'm assuming there's a reason why Tyra looks like she just rolled out of bed. She's so REAL!

2. Those poor ladies in the audience know they're not getting car keys under their seats, but I think it's a safe bet to say that at the very least they were hoping that the gift of Tyra's "biggest beauty secret" was going to at least be something they normally couldn't afford, like $30 an ounce Clinique eye cream or something.

3. Instead, they're forced to go apeshit for fucking Vaseline. I don't care how long Tyra's minions spent hot gluing rhinestones on those containers, it's just fucking Vaseline. Like I said in an earlier post, I went to a taping of Tyra's show last year and the crew preps you to act excited and cheer, and I'm sure the ladies in this audience got a big lecture on going crazy for Tyra's big reveal. Ugh. Tyra, you could afford to give these women actual gift baskets. Stop trying to be "real". You're not real. (And rumor has it that her nose definitely isn't real, even though supposedly her boobs are). You're an ex-supermodel and you're loaded. Give the women some Estee Lauder products, for chrissakes. At the very least, some items from Cover Girl. God knows they've been up your ass long enough.

4. She's mimicking Oprah's "And you! And you! And you!" speech while rolling around on the floor like an epileptic. You will not be catching Ms. O with her ass in the grass any time soon.

5. I love how you can spot the people in the audience who know this is total bullshit, and are all like, Okay. I am done screaming for something I can get at CVS for like $3.99. Check out the awesome look on the face of the blonde girl in red around the 1:57 mark after Tyra screams "These Vaselines are worth ONE HUNDRED DOLLAAAAARS!!" The blonde's frozen smile is so "Are you kidding me? Bitch, please."
I love it. Also, Tyra is hilariously out of breath by that point.

6. Ummmm...maybe Tyra hasn't had this problem, but excessive use of Vaseline can actually really fuck with your skin. For a while in high school I was using Vaseline every day instead of Chapstick, and my lips got so addicted to it that when I finally stopped using it, my lips and the skin around my mouth dried up like a desert basin. I could barely speak, and I had to walk around for weeks looking like I had made out with the Cryptkeeper. All my wildest dreams had come true.

Therefore, if it's true that Tyra does use Vaseline as her only moisturizer (which I have a hard time believing) the chances are good that she would end up looking completely like the Cryptkeeper if she stopped using it.


You know this is what she looks like on the inside anyway. Look, he even has a scraggly weave and a five-head! It's like the Picture of Tyrian Gray.


Anonymous said...

Not that the entire post isn't hilarious, but the Oscar Wilde allusion at the end just made me jump for joy.


Anonymous said...

HA! Thanks for bringing my attention to this. I've only recently started watching ANTM on youtube... now I may have to start watching Tyra's talk show. She is truly... something.

Great blog, btw!

Spontaniouse said...

I can't even bring myself to watch more than a few minutes of Tyra's show from time to time, but clearly there are priceless moments of crazy just waiting to be discovered.

Glad you like the Weave!! Thank you!

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