Wednesday, February 4, 2009

America's Next Top Idol

All right, fierce readers. Just when you thought ANTM couldn't get any gayer, an announcement like this is made. It might be the gayest announcement about ANTM ever. And it has nothing to do with Miss J's inability to wear pants. (Or does it??)

Clay Aiken to appear on 'America's Next Top Model'

Feb 4, 2009. EW has learned exclusively that American Idol's season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will participate in an acting challenge with the ladies -- and serve as a guest judge on the panel -- in an April episode of America's Next Top Model. Ciara will also stop by for a photo shoot that week but -- ah, who cares! Claymates set your Tivo now! The series' 12th cycle kicks off Feb. 25 on The CW.


I don't even know where to start with this one. Oh wait, yes I do. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian leprechaun. Somebody PLEASE cut that hair and I would say do something about his eyebrows, but I suppose that would really only serve to make him look gayer, if that's possible. See, here I'm starting with my complete befuddlement over the Clay Aiken appeal in general. I'll get to the ANTM portion in a moment.

The Claymate thing! I SOOO don't get it! Young girls and middle-aged women everywhere fall all over their damn selves because of him! He does have a very nice voice and he's talented, but the crushing? If you go to the actual web page to read that article, you will notice that the fourth comment is by some woman named Flo (how appropriate) and she's gushing over how handsome he is. What? Liking his music is one thing, but where is this supposed sex appeal coming from? Could they have really had flickering hopes in their little girl (and middle-aged) hearts that one day, somehow, they'd fall in love? (I know that I imagined being Mrs. Jordan Knight more than once, but that made perfect sense. I'll be loving YOU forever, Jordan). Clay has always been more transparently gay than the ghost of Paul Lynde, which isn't to say that we ladies can't desperately crush out on gay dudes with non-traditional sex appeal (hello, Neil Patrick Harris!) but Clay Aiken...I don't get it. Did you know that his "autobiography" is called "Measure of a Man"? Well, Clay, way to make clear what's important in your life.

And he thought we wouldn't figure out the gayness until AFTER he had an inseminated baby with a 50-year old woman named Jaymes? COME. ON.

Anyway. Before you ask yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about fashion?" (Maybe middle-aged ladies like him because they're into the same kind of jeans), start asking yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about acting?" Yes, as the article points out, Clay will be there to judge an acting challenge, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than him being involved in any other way, since he is the rare breed of gay that has absolutely no sense of the fabulous.

(Oh man, I REALLY hope that he tries to queen it up around Miss Jay and Tyra on that panel. It would be like if Anthony Michael Hall's big Breakfast Club secret was that he'd been caught with gay porn in his locker and then decided to really embrace his true self after he made some cool friends).

Here's the thing. Clay Aiken's only real acting credit to date is his starring role on Broadway in Spamalot, in which he basically just had to play himself: A dumb goofy singing white dude. For the love of Taye Diggs, surely there have to be legions of unemployed actors who actually have some kind of resume who would be willing to spend an hour filming a reality show? Was Freddie Prinze Jr. like really busy this fall?

The only explanation I can think of is that gays do revolve around Planet Tyra like glowing little moons, and there might be another layer of some unforeseen reasoning behind this that might become clear when we see the episode. If singing is involved, it could be awesome. I'd love to try to see the girls attempt to have even an iota of Broadway pizzazz. Mostly because I would then like to see what Tyra will do to show them how she could have done it better. Remember: It's not like oooh, it's like ahhhh! Do you see the difference?

T minus 20 days till the new season. Get your weaves sewn on tight, ladies. I have a feeling the ride is going to be bumpier than Furonda's skin.

1 comment:

beliefunwrought said...

First of all...bumpier than Furonda's skin...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ok my inner Jade is now satisfied, so we can skip the improvised beat poetry section of my comment. I really don't understand. Clay Aiken does not have even the most tenuous connection to fashion. Acting? Please. The only reasonable excuse I can see to have Clay on the show is so that he can be pointed at while either Tyra or the Js tell the girls "Don't do that. Ever. EVER!" I mean really Tyra? You're turning to third rate rejects from other reality shows? Don't you have enough third rate rejects from ANTM? I'm sure a number of them are doing the actor/waitress thing, and they'd probably do the show for nothing but a promise that Tyra won't give them makeovers.