Thursday, March 19, 2009

For Fierce Eyes Only

That is totally the new banner on my cell phone.

Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?

The Bitches:

No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.

Let's start with the ones I like:

....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).

Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.

Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!

I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.

To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.

Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.

2 comments:

parentheticalthoughts said...

Michael Celia - too funny. I like Celia too, probably because she is the most normal to me. How she ended up in this competition is beyond my comprehension.

beliefunwrought said...

Ok...this is getting creepy because I was thinking the exact same thing when Fo was crying about her hair. Seriously, anyone who has seen ANTM knows that if you show up with long hair there's a 75% chance it's going to get chopped. And crying about it is not endearing...at all. And as interesting as some of her pictures have been, I'm still convinced that Celia is a lake troll.