Kids, I'm slightly drunk and listening to Missy Elliot. And I can't apologize enough for being behind in the Weave. Stupid grad school. I actually sat down last week with my laptop, fully prepared to take notes on last week's episode, and then my piece of shit TV did not want to present Channel 11 to me. Fuck! Normally I watch ANTM at my friend Mary's on her fancy cable instead of on our questionable saved-from-the-garbage television. Foiled!
Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.
Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.
Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.
Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.