Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cycle Deux: YOU HAD SEX?!?!

First of all, I'm watching Obama's address to Congress right now, and I'm wondering how many standing O's Nancy Pelosi can actually start. I'd also really love somebody to do a slow clap.

Ha! Somebody totally just tried to start some applause, but it quickly died out in embarrassment. Don't you kind of hate when that happens, like during a play, after a sad musical number or devastating scene? And you can just READ THE FUCKING mind of the audience, because you've become a symbiotic being, all thinking: Do we clap? Do we...clap...clap...uhhh, no. I always imagine the embarrassment of the few people who actually clapped, how they stop clapping as quickly as possible and then look around furtively to see if anyone noticed them clapping.

Okay, my roommate wants to switch over to Desperate Housewives, which is one crappy show I never actually got into, so let us continue to the crappy show that I absolutely am far too into: Nah nah nah nah nah...

"I absolutely refuse to wear heels!...But I would like to be a little taller."

Ahhh...had anyone else forgotten about the nonsensical joys of Season 2's Jenaschia?

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I had also forgotten about the shining comic gem that is Xiomara and her crazy eyes. I wish I could show you the still frame that my fierce friends Lauronda and Mike and I were howling over, after Mike managed to pause the show at the exact right moment after the fifth try: "Wait! Wait! I have it this time!" This moment is hard to adequately explain with words alone. Back in the days of panel challenges, the Season 2 girls had to walk down the runway at judging for Miss J. and of course, Tyra and the other forgettable gay judge, plus the awful/useless Nole Marin and the always handsome/skeevy Nigel Barker. Xiomara was a tall girl with kind of a muscular frame, and crazy eyes that made her look like she was about to transform into a werewolf or perhaps rip off her face to reveal the alien creature within. She walks down the runway with her crazy eyes glaring like twin moons of death, stops and poses at the end of the runway, and then does this weird double head bob while her eyes flicker back and forth like an insect, and then finally stop when she is glaring out of the side of her eyes at the judges. We finally managed to pause the screen on this exact moment, and I tell you, fierce readers: Ms. Tyra never had eyes so crazy. And that is saying something.

(Mike also invented this scary throaty monster voice for Xiomara's inner alien. She mostly just said: "ELIMINATED.")

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I couldn't find a picture that did the crazy eyes justice, but you can kind of see them in there. Waiting. Okay, I'll stop now because this is clearly going to be funny pretty much only to me, Mike and Lauronda.

Moving on: Season 2! Infamous for the "YOU HAD SEX?!?" incident and one of the original great ANTM bitches: Camille, self described "Miss Jamaica...1st runner up" and a woman who is "maybe just a bit more educated than some of these other girls." Oh, Camille. That is your signature walk, and that is the walk that's going to make you famous. Bitch Avenue, that is! Oh snap!

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I loved how Camille thought she was all classy, but let's examine this picture, shall we? What's awesomer? Her Fraggle hair, the visible deodorant in her armpit, or the sweetheart-cut denin tube top with the clothesline halter? Speaking of classy and Camille, there was this other hilarious moment when she was having a little heart-to-heart with Tyra at the house, leaning over the arm of the chair and sipping on her BLUSH wine. Give me a break, Camille, and pass the Carlo Rossi.

Let's also not forget about the first girl to be kicked off this season: Anna, the wife and mother from Georgia or somewhere down South. She got kicked off for refusing to do the semi-nude body paint shoot. While crying to some crew member about this, she explained her feelings about it. I'm going to write it out in play form so that you can get the full effect:

Anna: (through shuddering sobs) It's (gasp!) just that (gasp!) the only one who's seen me (gasp!) is my (sob) HUSBAND! And if I let everybody (gasp!) see it then (weeping, sobbing) it won't be (gasp!) special when I (sob) show it...to...HIM! (sobbing).

I like how she says "it", like she's specifically referring to her vagina, and not her nude body in the abstract. Because you know she is. Also, when confronted about her decision at panel, Nole Marin or perhaps the excellently crazy Janice Dickinson asks her if it's because she's religious. Anna replies, and again this is a direct quote, "I'm not religious. I just try to be Christlike."

You can imagine how Ms. Janice took this. Speaking of which, hollaaaa Janice!! We miss you and your plastic surgery, girl. She was looking supremely wacked out in this episode, too. She was so gorgeous back in the day!

Anyway, I never understand the girls who freak out about the nudity when they come on this show. Like, honestly? Have they never SEEN the show before? There are always photo shoots with a certain degree of nudity. How can you possibly not have known that this was a potential scenario? Also, do you seriously think you want to be an actual working model when you refuse to do nudity? It comes with the territory, ladies, at least for girls with serious careers. Like, even the girls on Project Runway who complain sometimes about feeling too naked and make the designers change things around---1. I don't get it and 2. That is proof enough of how different the fashion world is on reality T.V. vs. the actual world where Donatalla Versace would cut a bitch if some model tried to plead modesty to make them change a garment minutes before a runway show.

Right! The thing people forget about the early seasons is how much more hands-on Tyra was (or at least pretended to be) with the girls. She would show up at the house to talk to them and give sage advice, sometimes with the help of her mother, the inestimable Carol London. She'd actually give some posing lessons or give them suggestions at the actual photo shoot, like showing Xiomara the best way to crouch in front of a wall so as not to flash too much crotch while pretending to be Grace Jones. Now she's only ever at the judging (or the girls meet her at her talk show. Can you believe she's actually won some Emmys?) Or she arrives to show off her remarkable talent as a photographer. The remarkable way she points and clicks in natural light. Remember during the Whitney season when Tyra was SO SCARED to do the photo shoot because it was the FIRST TIME she hadn't shot in NATURAL LIGHT? Bitch, please! Like you set up that lighting. Just like in nature, that shit was set up for you when you got there. You just pressed the button.

Arghhhhhh. Sometimes, when I really think about how much time and energy Tyra Banks has sucked out of my life, it's actually pretty sad. I'm sad for myself. But...then the fierceness takes over again.

Still, it was good to see the show back before it had become a completely insane parody of itself. Back when the majority of the girls actually looked as though they could be models. With, of course, a few exceptions. There always have to be a few crazies/lameos/fuggos that Tyra can pick off at will while she spins the contrived weave we're meant to believe is a fair and unbiased competition. Ha. WEAVE.

Also, I think Yoanna really was the most beautiful contestant ever on the show, and the most deserving winner. Her face is just perfection. She looked so fabulous with that short haircut.

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Shandi's might also be the best makeover ever accomplished on the show. Now, feelings on Shandi's beauty are divided.
She was way too skinny, totally awkward in person, and had sort of severe features in a plain face...like a lot of actual working runway models. The scary thing about her, aside from or perhaps because of how incredibly bony she was, Shandi was the one who looked the most like a real model. I say it again. Still, she really did need the old toss-out-the-hair-pull-off-the-glasses 80's teen movie makeover thing to happen. And it did!

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Yoanna and Shandi were definitely my two favorites in Season 2, and are probably two of the most beautiful girls out of the whole show for me. So thank you, ANTM. Thank you.

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3 comments:

beliefunwrought said...

I completely agree about Yoanna. That shot of her in the helmet is absolutely breath taking. She looked so hot with short hair. However, did you see her on Queen Bees? I really did not care for the super long blond-ish extensions. Why Yoanna why? You have a gorgeous face, don't cover it up with Barbie hair!

Spontaniouse said...

I didn't see her on Queen Bee, but I heard about it! I've seen a few pictures of her with the long blonde hair though, and I don't like it either. I'm totally biased for the short dark hair!

MACK said...

where did she find invisible toothpicks to hold her eyes open like that - she looks more like 49 than 29!
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