Friday, October 31, 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Top Model LIVE!!

Oh. Mah god.

Wholahay signed us up to potentially go see a Top Model challenge being taped next week!! Readers, keep your fierce fingers crossed AND triple snapping that we actually get to go!!

Also, you heard it here first: Marjorie's makeup during the window modeling challenge last night looked almost exactly like Heath Ledger's Joker makeup, minus the horrible disfiguring scars. For. Reals.

I don't have a still of Marjorie, but picture it.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Tears of a clown

Spontaniouse is going insane with grad school right now. I was trying to avoid recapping last week's episode until things had settled down a bit, but as with most tests of willpower, I failed. However, this may have to be an abbreviated recap of what may very well be the most ridiculously piece of shit episode of this show ever, which is saying a lot. Could Tyra be trying ANY harder?

1. Here's my two cents on the European immigrants vs. the stupid Americans. For this one and only time, I kinda have to say I'm on Team Samantha, at least regarding the conversation in the car. Let's break it down: Elina claims that it's because of her European background that she's so controlled and can't express emotion. Samantha makes an astute point (who would have believed it?) that Elina has lived here since she was 8 and there for has had plenty of time to adapt to American culture, including how we process emotions, apparently. Elina acts as though Samantha has just asked her the most offensive and culturally insensitive question in the world. Don't worry, Samantha's best friend is black. Now, my 1,000% MORE astute friend Patria wisely pointed out that just because Elina has lived in America that long, it doesn't mean that her European parents have raised her to be expressive. I agree. However, I think then the problem arguably lies with Elina's parents, not the European culture as a whole, even the stereotypically cold and stoic Eastern Europe.

Bottom line according to Spontaniouse? Elina is making EXCUSES and building up a defense for the judges so they'll forgive her for not showing enough emotion. That's really what I find annoying. It's the same old thing. We see it every cycle: Kim, you're too masculine! Suddenly she's having a gender identity crisis. Blah, blah. Shut up, Kim. You don't know what you're talking about. It's not really the contestants' fault though. They're being forced to react to whatever arbitrary fault Tyra and the judges decide to see in them because the winner was already picked on Day 1.

2. Also, I'm not totally clear how Marjorie got involved in this. Yes, she's from France which is also in Europe, just like Russia or the Ukraine or wherever Elina is from, but....have we not seen her break down in tears, like, several times per episode? THIS episode included? Usually at the slightest hint of pressure or criticism? So...maybe Marjorie is now letting out all of the tears that her parents told her to shut up about? This is so stupid. EXCUSES. Besides, aren't the French stereotypically supposed to be overzealous romantics who will also slap your face with a glove at the slightest hint of insult? So...emotional? She should be figuring out some line of defense about how a childhood spent eating cheese and croissant turns someone into a twitchy hunchback. Ring them bells, girl.

Also, ladies: You're white and European. You're SO oppressed. Get over it.

All of this being said, Elina and Marjorie are actually my two favorites, and are way more beautiful than the rest of the girls in the house put together. Wow, imagine: A five-headed model beast!! Oh wait, that's Tyra.

3. The Aswirl Twins. Do they do anything other than be on this show? Can you really make a career out of being gay twins who know how to work a purse? (Well, maybe.) Where does Tyra find these people? It's like she has some gay metropolis completely under her control where people worship at the gay church fashion show and club kids go to die.

4. Speaking of club kids: All props and respect to James St. James and the original club kids, but come on. I really can't believe the show has stooped to putting aging bald gays in a greenscreen body suit for which to model clothes invisibly. What cutting edge technology, Tyra! It looks like an 80's music video. Hold on, let me grab my BK Knights and I'll run right over to Nony Tochterman's and buy her "avante garde" clothes.

5. Nony Tochterman. WHAT is going on there? She looks like she has on one of those clown wigs with the really long fake rubber forehead. Can that be real? Or is she from Candyland? I can't even think of an appropriately funny comparison, I am so baffled. Also, what exactly is "avante garde" about her clothes? They look like pretty basic outfits to me. Nina Garcia needs to slap some sense into that bitch. But only verbally: Nina has the power. Note: Just because you look like a crazy clown grandma does not make your striped tube dress cutting edge fashion.

6. This might be the worst fashion show the girls have ever put on, and that includes the runway show in the Goodwill Parking lot and the high school fashion show when Sarah's boobs popped out, to the delight of a hundred teen boys, and myself. Judges, get off Marjorie's ass though please: She was wearing a GREENSCREEN body suit that COVERED her head. Obviously she could not feel it that her dress slipped down, otherwise she would have picked it up. If in real life her miniscule French boobies had been exposed, she would have (probably) summoned her wits about her enough to pull up the dress. Big Nose Shoket and Crazy Clown Head Tochterman tell her that she should be able to rely on other senses besides sight to know when a dress falls down.'re in a full body suit that has blocked off your entire head and face, so...sight, smell, sound, touch, taste...DENIED! Is there a sixth sense for fashion? If there is, Nony ain't got it.

All of this advice and whatever the girls are supposed to be learning here is totally negated by the fact that as professional models they would never be in this situation. Like pretty much every other situation or challenge girls face on this show.

Also, back to James St. James for a second: Why is he dressed like a fashion brontosaurus?

7. Back at the house: Sammy gets right back on my shit list for doing an offensive Asian accent. Sheena says she's not offended. O...kay? Also, Samantha has jowls.

8. The Sheena/Elina fight: Boring! Also, it rhymes.

9. Even more boring: Whitney! (Okay, my favorite Contestants Meet A Previous Winner moment: In Cycle 5, when the girls got to meet Eva, and they asked her what it's like to be America's. Next. Top. Model. Eva:'s good! Oh, Eva. You tried so hard to sound convincing.)

10. The Cover Girl commercial: Wow, I guess Joslyn was actually suffering from something besides the perennial dehydration and exhaustion. Did we really have to see her ralph in the trash can though?

I guess Annaleigh did do a good job, but it's definitely advantageous if the director gives you a big closeup beauty shot.

Marjorie: Predictably twitchy deer in the headlights.

Elina: Has no soul or emotion. Because she's from Europe.

Sheena: Say more funny ghetto things! That's all I care about.

Samantha: I hate you. You have jowls. Where's Lauren Brie?

Who's left? Seriously? Oh, Joslyn.

Let's skip all the rest and go to panel. I have to say, Tyra Banks. You got me with the fake out. But only because I was convinced that you would go with "personality" over "talent" as you so often do. Plus I like Elina and her pictures, which means it's only a matter of time before you take her away from me. But I guess even you could not pretend that Joslyn's speedhead commercial was better than Elina's rather flat one, or that her big honker would look better in a Cover Girl ad than Elina's pretty face.

Also, can't you think of a better way to crush the girls' dreams than announcing the trip BEFORE elimination? Also, idiots: Have you never watched the show that you're competing on? Of COURSE one of you is still going home. Paulina didn't put on no blonde pigtail wig for nothing. She wants to see some tears.

Goddammit. I said I wouldn't do a full write up of this episode, and in truth I haven't: I could go into way more detail about the many things that made this episode ridiculous, but I should have been studying for the last hour instead of letting Tyra Banks rule my life. It's a losing battle.

A parting image: An Aswirl twin as a spinning human windmill. And does anyone else feel that Nigel Barker has given up on life? He seems so quiet and depressed during the panel. Maybe he's finally realized what his life has come to: Being groped by Tyra Banks in front of contestants who make a mockery of the industry he supposedly represents.

HA!! I totally forgot about McKey! So sad...the drag queen's honest truth is that last week I said to my friends that I like her but she's so forgettable, even within the confines of one episode...Ohhhh...sorry, McKey. You're weird-looking but I kind of like it, yet...oops.

Tonight: You know they won't be allowed to show anything explicit, but everyone keep a close watch on the girls for any behavior that seems marijuana-induced. Like, more than usual. Also, Tyra totally makes them be prostitutes.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I don't get it

Ack!! I just noticed that Cycle 7's Eugena was also in the Project Runway finale! Ughhh. I never liked her either. There were way more awesome contestants during Cycle 7 (like lesbian twinny Michelle) who so deserved to make it to the top 3 more than Eugena. She was another one who I think looks like a total dude, and again--not in the good way.

Seriously, out of all the girls to be getting work! Although, Eugena and Bianca are not the two most puzzling former contestants to both last until nearly the end of the competition AND actually get some professional work despite being totally fuggo.

Oh well, at least she was only in Jerrell's crappy ass line:


Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hey, we DID see you again!

Top Model sightings on the Project Runway finale!


I forget this girl's name and which season she auditioned, because she was only a semi-finalist and didn't make the final cut. BUT she was the girl from like, Wisconsin or wherever, who really loved her family and just cried the whole time about how she wanted to go back home and smash grapes with her feet. She gave Tyra a grape-stomping lesson in front of the panel, remember? And she was insanely skinny and had disturbing bruises and generally looked like a heroin addict and that's why they didn't let her on the show. Aaaaaaand, clearly the sad truth is that it's the insanely skinny heroin addict-looking girls who actually have a better shot of becoming working models. That is the recipe for model success. That and not making it onto ANTM. I've seen her in other ads and things before and was like, go skinny girl! You're working! Not loving the hair though. Though apparently a life stomping on grapes will aid your ability to stomp down a runway. She was in Jerrell's show so we didn't get to actually see her on the finale, but thar she blows!


Danielle!! Or Dani, as we must now call her. I love her, and she looks great. She's actually been on of the more successful ANTM winners. Her contract with Cover Girl was extended, and she was in a CG commercial with Queen Latifah. I think she was in the Project Runway finale last season too. Ebony and ivory, suckah!


Ewwww. Bianca. What a stank ho. She's such a bitch. She was in Chris March's runway show last season too. I really don't understand why she is getting work, since I still think she totally looks like a dude, and not in a good way.

One more photo of Bianca, even though I hate her, just so we can laugh at how short that dress is and how close the Bryant Park audience was to seeing her hoo-ha. That could not be pleasant.


Naima totally auditioned too but from what I can tell, she wasn't cast. Unless she was in one of the decoy shows, because I haven't watched all of them yet. Poor Naima. I always thought she was really pretty, and I dug her faux hawk, but she seriously has had the least success out of all the winners. Oh well.

Also, Jaslene was in Jillian's show on the P.Way finale last season, too! She totally got a diva cheer when she walked down the runway, looking pretty fierce I must say.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Let's hear it for the boys!

I think this says so much more about my life than perhaps I even want it to:

Last night I was shirking my grad school responsibilities by drinking the night away with some friends. I drunkenly decided to text some of my best gay boyfriends to ask their advice on what I should be for Halloween (my absolute favorite holiday) since so far I haven't had any fierce brainstorms on costumes.

Spontaniouse: What should I be for Halloween? I'm appealing to my gays

So far I have received the following awesome responses:

1. Tyra
2. A cheeseburger

Those two things go together like drag queens and wigs, don't they? And certainly they are two things that have given me much pleasure (and pain) in life.

I heart my gays!

Also, if you have any suggestions, fierce readers, I'd love to hear them! Or read them. You know.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

You WILL see me again! Lisa, Cycle 5

I love BUBBLES!!

You're my only friend, Cousin Itt.

Ahhh, Cycle 5. Probably one of my top two favorite seasons of ANTM, thanks to hot Kim Stolz (more on her later), the overseas trip to one of my top two favorite cities, London, and certainly thanks to the presence of one of the show's top few endearingly crazy contestants: the infinitely quotable, consistently drunk Lisa.*** Jade may have informed us that elephants are part of the dinosaur family, but did she ever pee in a diaper on TV or have a conversation with a plant? No, she did not.

So what has Lisa been up to? She did show up on a later cycle of ANTM to give the girls some posing advice, and I have seen some decent print work that she did for some fairly reputable clothing line, but that is not the point of these segments, is it? Ladies, gentlemen, and those in between, I give you the "Ace of Spades":

Obviously, this video is totally shitty, the song itself sucks, Lisa can't really rap, and her looks have always been a love/hate situation for people. Personally, I don't think she's ugly, and I like me some itty bitty titties, so I can appreciate what Lisa's got going on, even in a leopard print bikini with pink ruffled trim. But what really made me like Lisa in Cycle 5 (even when she was being annoying) is that she was funny and that she didn't take herself too seriously. (Plus, winos have to stick together).

And therein lies the point of this video I think...The comments on youtube were written mostly by haters slamming the video, but to them I say that it's supposed to be funny. I don't think Lisa has any illusions that she's going to be the next Missy Elliot, talent-wise or career-wise. Girl's just having fun! Relax! Take a break! Eat a cookie!

Or am I wrong? Is Lisa really making a serious attempt at a music career here? Like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. Thoughts, fierce readers?

***And NO thanks to Nicole, one of the show's lamest winners EVER (second only to rigged-as-a-ship Saleisha, whose suckiness is beyond comprehensible levels, and stupid token "fatty" Whitney, also a ringer). Gorgeous, gorgeous Nik should have won, not stupid Nicole with her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice and picket fence teeth. Yeah, she was pretty and all and took good pictures, but blahhhhh. Plus I think Nik was secretly a lesbian, and I always root for the lady lovin' ladies! (Okay, except for dumb "bisexual" Michelle from Cycle 4, she of the horrible roots and midnight confessions who is married to a dude and has a baby now. Not that there's anything wrong with that--I was just always annoyed by her. Though she does bring back memories. Where have the days of flesh-eating bacteria gone?)

Tyra'z in the hood

I believe I may have said earlier that Tyra was looking a little more normal and presentable this season, and I was bemoaning the days when she was apparently being dressed by gypsies, tramps and thieves...but then Little Black Riding Hood arrived. As is usually the case with Tyra Banks, I spoke too soon.

I just don't even know where to start (but please see fourfour and Television Without Pity for some hilarious comparisons) so all I will say for now is that the hood might simply be a secret homage to what Tyra looks like on the inside:


That's some ugly-pretty, y'all.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"Stop trying to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!"

We try to keep the Weave as Top Model-related as possible, but again I defend this post by saying that Tyra started it.

So speaking again of mavericks and making fun of shithead Sarah Palin, I want to marry Tina Fey. It's all funny because it's scarily, scarily true:


I wanted to put it to a vote: Who DOES have the bigger forehead, Tyra or Helen Hunt?:

tyra forehead

helen hunt

But damn, Helen. I think you win!! Somebody has beat Tyra Banks at something! Someone call E!News!!

Anyway, what say you, fierce readers? If Tyra Banks has a five-head, is it possible that Helen Hunt has a six-head? Discuss.

(Though, we do know who the girl with the biggest forehead of all is. That's a seven-head if I've ever seen one.)

van der beek

"J'adore her when she makes pee-pee!"

A few immediate observations on tonight's episode:

First, someone place a dictionary next to Tyra's plate of cheese fries tomorrow morning so she can learn the difference between "pose" and "facial expression". Miss Jay may be the expert on fierce walking, but Tyra tells the girls that she is the expert at signature poses...with her face. That is called a facial expression. So she is an expert at facial expressions. With her eyes. Or something. I'm right here, Michael! (Arrested Development? Anyone?)


Pose. –verb (used without object)

1. to assume a particular attitude or stance, esp. with the hope of impressing others: He likes to pose as an authority on literature.
2. to present oneself insincerely: He seems to be posing in all his behavior.
3. to assume or hold a physical attitude, as for an artistic purpose: to pose for a painter.

Hmmmmm...then again, maybe Tyra IS an expert!

Speaking of Tyra's expertise, I have been wanting to post the following clip from the Tyra show for a few days now, but I'm glad I waited since the photo challenge tonight has given me the perfect opportunity for it. Once again, proof that Tyra's genius photo shoot ideas are inspired by the experiences in her life that are important to her. Marjorie really learned a lot from Tyra about how to use her awkwardness during their "teach" (what a bullshit bastardization of that word) and translated it into her winning photo, but Tyra must have given her this little tidbit as well before she climbed up on that john:

All joking aside, Marjorie did look really great. I always love the pixie haircutted girl (A.J. and Mollie Sue, you were so robbed!) and while Marjorie and her crazed squirrel energy and lack of confidence are getting un peu annoying, I still like her look and she's taking pretty good photos.

On the flip side, while Samantha's short hair was one of the only remotely good makeovers, she sucks and is boring and for some reason is starting to mimic Tyra's tendency to break into weird accents at random. For that reason alone she should have been kicked off tonight. Lauren Brie getting kicked off was BULLSHIT!!!! She isn't one of my favorites at all and she looks pretty porny in person, but she's been taking the most consisently pretty and interesting photos this whole time so SHE should be the frontrunner to be America's...oh. I forgot. Taking good pictures is in no way a requirement to win this competition. SALEISHA. The winner is whomever Tyra decided was the winner many weeks ago and the fact that Lauren Brie's photos have generally been really good is the REASON she just got the chop. Tyra is eliminating the real competitors so that at the end she can pretend that Sheena or fucking Joslyn actually had the best pictures the whole time.

Really, I wasn't into Lauren Brie much at all, but as a parting gift, let us give her props for her amazing arms in this shot:

lauren brie

And Elina, oh Elina...I am so tired of the transparent attempts to push the girls' buttons by giving them a photo shoot that is blatantly based on their "weakness". Anchal, you think you're fat! You be a giant in the carnival shoot! Kim, you're too masculine! Be the Birth of Venus! Elina, they don't have emotions in Russia and your mom hates you and you have an icicle up your ass! CRY REAL TEARS!! LEARN FROM THIS!! Wah, wah. Way to make it look like she was actually having a real problem in the commercials as opposed to...performing as she was asked to do in the photo shoot.

I'm also over the Tyra Mail. Does she really not realize that those shots make her look like she has a mailbag for a uterus and that she's just become a woman all over the floor?

Finally, Sheena has been kind of quiet for the last few weeks, but I have to say I enjoyed her feeling all up on Marjorie's fake boobies (the grass is always greener!) and I had forgotten how "ghetto" her voice can be, though not as much as Tyra's stupid impression of her.

Last but not least, Mr. Jay and his sparkling tuxedo again tonight looked like he was about to start handing out roses to competitors for his heart who may or may not be gay.

Welcome back, Wholahay! It has been my pleasure to make fun of Tyra on my own, but it will be more fun with you back. Although now everyone will realize how much more funny and fierce you are than poor Spontaniouse. I'm still cracking up over the Maverick poster.

My friends, my friends...please be my friends?

Hey kids. Wholahay here. (God, I love that I can write sentences like that and they make sense to people. Well certain people. Awesome people.) It's been ages since I've posted and for this I apologize (Spontaniouse has been dutifully picking up the slack, because she is one of said awesome people, in more ways than one).

So on to the nitty gritty, the point of post: how good Putin is, according to John McCain, at modeling with his eyes. Seriously! My favorite part of last night's debate was when John McCain assured us that he didn't think there would be another Cold War, even though he had looked into Putin's eyes and seen the letters K-G-B.

That is some serious talent.

In semi-related news, I really think the McCain/Palin campaign posters should be modified to look something like this:

Is that a lantern next to Jodie Foster/Sarah Palin, or the awesomest bong ever?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

He did the mash

You know, I almost feel bad for Mr. Jay this cycle. Has a week gone by that he hasn't in one way or another looked like a contestant on Sci-Fi Channel gay dating show? Despite rumors that he and Ms. Tyra aren't getting along (thanks to his ever-flourishing career as the host of Canada's Next Top Model), she apparently still has him gripped fiercely in her clutches. Last week was probably the best example of his still complete surrender to the train wreck that is this show, as well as an example of probably the most nonsensical introduction to a photo challenge ever, which is saying a lot:

Someone please explain to me why Mr. Jay arriving on set dressed like a Hellmouth demon extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer somehow translates into the natural disaster/60's mod hair & makeup photo shoot? Like, was the makeup crew just totally bored and thought: "Monster makeup! Hurrah! Then we'll put the girls into their Laugh In hair!" What about natural disaster screams "beehives and go-go boots"? (And what about natural disaster screams...traffic jam?) I also loved that Before and After split screen--it's really hard to decide which is scarier, Jay Manuel the monster or Jay Manuel in his "natural" orange-skinned and silver-haired state.

The more I think about it, the more I really think that Tyra's minions got high and watched a few episodes of Buffy before hitting on this idea:

spike & demon

(I'm seriously having an epiphany here about how Mr. Jay and Spike the vampire have the exact same hair. It really explains so much.)

Then someone must have taken another bong hit and thought, "Paulina is such a bitch with bad hair and boring comments and nobody knew who she was before she joined the show! Gee, I miss Twiggy!"


[inhaaaaale] "Who has a bigger forehead, Tyra or Helen Hunt?"


And that somehow became last week's photo shoot. Sighhhhh. I miss the days of falling fairy tale characters and girls dressed in ice cream. Though I guess it's not as bad as all of Tyra's "issue" photo shoots, like smoking and murdered models.

Tomorrow night: Elina breaks down!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

The greatest moment in ANTM history

This is not debatable.

Though Tyra never fails to be hypocritical, self-righteous and generally full of shit, no other moment in the history of the show has yet to rival this moment of competely intentional diva glory. Fierce readers, let's revisit this moment from Cycle 4, shall we?

Oh, where to start?

1. As it has been proven to us in many other moments such as Tyra "fainting", Tyra making her own Spanish silent film, and especially in her starring role in Life-Size, Tyra Banks is a great actress. Usually she points this out by telling the girls afterward that they have been fooled by her mad skillz, but in this case, Tyra is trying to fool us more than them and manufacture some show drama. Watch her face at the 0:14 second mark as she begins to summon her fake rage that Tiffany could actually be handling her elimination with, oh, I don't know, humor and maturity instead of tears. ACTING!! If Tyra hasn't made a girl cry by the end of the day, she considers it a day wasted, and god forbid that Tiffany not be sobbing her weave off now that she's lost the opportunity to be on a Wal-Mart billboard. Because Tiffany's emotional reactions must be dictated by Tyra's exact expectations, of course. NOW THAT SHE'S BEEN KICKED OFF THE SHOW. I'm on Tiffany's side: she's no longer required to pretend like she gives a fuck what Tyra thinks, so why should she? Oh, Tyra will tell us why.

2. "Tiffany, I'm extremely disappointed in you...This is a joke to you." Here we go. I love how Tyra prefaces this entire rant by reminding Tiffany that she's been through anger management...before screaming at her. However, before Tyra blows her red weave, Tiffany quite rightly says that she could be hurting on the inside and not showing it on the outside, and that she "can't change it". Before she explains that she means she can't change the fact that she's been kicked off (which again makes perfect sense, but don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to give Tiffany TOO much credit here) Tyra and the panel seem to think she means she can't change her emotional reaction. Stupid Nole Marin (I think) or perhaps his little dog says "Yes, you can" and the rest of them agree: Yes, you CAN weep bitterly in front of us if you so choose!! And Tyra is about to make you do that!!!

3. Then Tyra really gets going. Really, this makes no sense at all. Tiffany says that she's sick of crying about things she can't change and that she's sick of being disappointed. Tyra of course has to contradict her and tell her that if she was sick of being disappointed she would stand up and take control of her destiny. just determined that her destiny is NOT to be American's Next Top Model, so...?

"Did you know that you had a possibility to WIN?" (Only if you decided that for her Tyra, since as we well know, the winner is not actually picked based on performance or talent).

"Did you know that all of America is rooting for YOU?? Do you KNOW that??" Wow, on top of being an expert at eye smiling and a great actress, Tyra is apparently a clairvoyant as well! Because this freak out happened while the show was still filming and hadn't yet aired on television at all, Tyra apparently saw into the future and read the minds and hearts of all of the girls and gays watching the show and saw Tiffany's name emblazoned there in big sparkly letters. Or, this bullshit is entirely intentional and not the genuine product of Tyra's indignant rage.

"You read better than half those girls over there!" Um, no she didn't. If you recall, this was back when the girls had to undergo panel challenges, and in this one, they had to read a teleprompter as if they were commenting on fashions at a red carpet event or something. The script was intentionally filled with "difficult" words and designers' names, and all of them stumbled over the words, especially Tiffany, who totally made up different words to replace the ones she couldn't pronounce. Tyra, I so tire of your LIES.

"I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS!!" This is my favorite ANTM quote ever, and that includes all of Jade's floetry.


"WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!! HOW DARE YOU!! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS!!" Um, maybe she dares because you just FUCKING KICKED HER OFF even though you were rooting for her so hard. Please, Tyra. If you really wanted her to win, she would win, even if she took the worst fucking pictures of the entire cycle. SALEISHA.


"YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I BEEN THROUGH! BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM! I GROW FROM IT AND I LEARN!" Um, you come from California, you have loving supportive parents (a fashion manager/NASA photographer [Hilarious. What does that mean, really?] and a computer consultant, according to Wikipedia. How ghetto!) and you were a rich working model by the time you were seventeen, as we goddamn well know. Tiffany was a teen mother who lived with her grandmother in poverty, and you just told us that their lights got shut off so Tiffany's grandmother could buy her a bathing suit for the competition. As usual, I'm weeping for Tyra and her difficult, difficult life.

The icing on the cake is that in her exit interview, Tiffany acted all appreciative of Tyra for yelling at her, because like her mama, Tyra yells because she cares. And Tiffany felt special knowing that someone like Tyra cared about her. Riiiiiiight. Then she totally admitted later in an interview that the producers cajoled her into saying that, and that she actually was pissed about being screamed at. And that's why we call it reality TV.

Oh, Ty-Ty. You were really working hard this episode. First you did a surprise double elimination, and then you gave a performance that even I have to admit could have possibly won you a Daytime Emmy. Because you were ACTING. With a shitty, nonsensical script. And it was so pathetically obvious. Yet hilarious and totally entertaining, so...sigh. You win. Again.

If you would like more information on where the hell Tyra Banks comes from (if only we had a real answer for this mystery) I recommend checking out her bio on her website, which has hilariously elaborate graphics, and lots of photos from her early years, introduced by a tiny video Tyra reading from what apparently is the storybook of her life.

You can learn many interesting facts, such as the name of her high school best friend (Midnight) and see some awesome pictures of little Tyra, including one of her on a schoolbus that says ASS and a really beautiful shot of her with the chicken pox. Which I'm sure was the itchiest case of chicken pox ever known to the world, because no matter what we have suffered, Tyra has suffered more deeply and longer. Also, I said it before and I'll say it again: I'm convinced that she had a nose job, no matter how real those boobs are supposed to be.

Friday, October 3, 2008

You WILL See Me Again! Brittany, Cycle 11

Okay. I had not even planned on including any of the girls from this Cycle in the YWSMA segments, but I just discovered Brittany's famous "I was the first black girl on a cover in Las Vegas" credential. Technically this doesn't count for YWSMA because it's work she did BEFORE going on ANTM, but I am hoping this is a sign of great things to come for Brittany (and consequently, the Weave). It is so awesome, I can scarcely contain myself.

Brittany Las Vegas

I can't decide which part of this cover is my favorite. The sensuously steaming ear of corn? The declaration that "THE KIDS DIG RON PAUL!" (Oh god. So frightening).

This also totally looks like the type of magazine that you can get for free in sidewalk dispensers.

But really, the piece de resistance has to be "VISITING THE HOOTERS OF COFFEE SHOPS!" What's got two thumbs and and loves a fine honking pair with her chai tea latte? :::points to self with thumbs, get it?::: THIS GIRL!!

Hey, Brittany should let Sheena know where that place is so she can put those fake tits to good use after her modeling career fails. Even (or perhaps, especially) if she wins ANTM. Which she might, by the way. Even though there can only be ONE Kimora Lee Simmons. Yes, Tyra. Let us not oversaturate the market with working Asian cover girls.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

"The meat falls on top of your eyes."

Sorry, fierce readers! The Weave is seriously behind. These are the perils of work and grad school, though Wholahay and I would like nothing better than to devote all of our time and energies to making fun of Tyra Banks.

Still, I will do my best to touch upon the highlights of the last few episodes:

First, I don't know if words can properly describe the precursor to the makeovers this year. Of course it was entirely necessary for Tyra to meet with the girls while wearing the biggest tiara in the room and begin by telling another story about just how hard it was to move to Paris at age 17 and become a rich and successful supermodel, as well as describing the trials and tribulations of "MAKING OVER" (god, the subtext is killing me! What could possibly be next!) her career to achieve her lifelong dream of being a talk show host. I'm weeping glycerine tears for her. (Take my portrait, Tyra! You do it so well!) Then Mr. Jay showed up looking like the gayest Prince Charming ever dreamed up somewhere over the rainbow. Apparently the princes of fairy tale dreams also have the same floppy silver Rider Strong hair as gay aliens from the future. Seriously, hair & makeup department: Get Mr. Jay a new wig. Sutan, I'm not blaming you.

Then, sighhhhhhh...Do I even have the energy to discuss Miss Jay showing up as the Evil Queen disguised as a witch? (Hmmm...I guess that's pretty accurate). Tyra spewing apple chunks out of her mouth? Mr. Jay's look of distaste as he leaned in for the Tyra kiss, and then staggered under her weight as he attempted to carry her out of the room? No, not really. All I can say is, new levels of gaydom have been reached. That shit was gayer than RuPaul on crystal meth getting a blow job from Richard Simmons at a Sunday afternoon matinee of Xanadu.

The makeovers. Not much to say about the makeovers, since they really didn't do a whole lot to change the girls' looks. I'm glad that they didn't give my Marjorie a big long weave as I suspected, but the poopy brown isn't really doing anything for her. Also, Tyra: Just because Sheena is Asian and an aspiring model doesn't automatically mean she resembles Kimora Lee Simmons, and so giving her cheap chunky highlights won't do much else but make her hair party like it's 1999.

As for Elina's new look: Meh. It doesn't look that horrible on her, but when Jay first described it, it seemed like he was talking about long, Renaissance-type hair, which sounded like it could be pretty with Elina's pale skin and big eyes:


Instead, she got the clown hair. Also, what was with the whole THIS IS UNLIKE ANY MAKEOVER WE'VE EVER DONE BEFORE!! thing? Somewhere, Cycle 8's Brittany is still slapping at a phantom weave on her head in protest:


I love it too that by giving Elina red hair, that somehow makes her "racially ambiguous." I mean, I have seen some sassy black ladies rocking some fierce red weaves, but Elina still looks whiter than an albino's ass. Though with Tyra's sage advice to be aware while smiling that "the meat falls on top of your eyes", I'm sure she'll be giving Kimora a run for the money soon. Sheena, beware!

And let us not the forget the "I've never loved my mother" comment from Elina and the subsequent outrage from some of the other girls. She and Hannah have now both been totally gang raped. Look, ladies--her schtick is being all intense and depressed and "edgy". She has a tattoo above her vag that says "Ditto Angelina" for chrissakes. (As in the famous one above Angelina's famous vag that says in Latin "What nourishes me, destroys me." Really Elina, I can't roll my eyes back in my head far enough. They've rolled all the way around and come back to center). Of course she hates her mother. And maybe even with good reason. I forget who said it, but just because your mother provides you with food and shelter (which is like, the first rule of motherhood, wouldn't you say?) that doesn't mean that she is emotionally supportive or kind or understanding. That being said, I'm sure Elina is also a big old drama queen on a reality show. But still.

Honestly, I can't even remember who got kicked off two weeks ago. That wicked skinny girl, right? It's all starting to blur together in my mind. But I do know that Tyra prefaced one of the panel discussions by wondering, "Who's goin' back to their hizzle? Fo' shizzle?" She's so racially ambiguous.

On to the controversial elimination of Hannah! Whatever. She walked down that runway like she had a gigantic Alaskan pipeline up her ass, and I was thrilled to see her ignorance and crazy eyes get kicked to the curb. Smell ya later! The only surprising part of it was that I thought for sure they'd keep her around for "controversy" and "drama" for a while longer, but she was just too boring to sustain it.

Same thing with the surprise eliminations of Isis and then Clark this week! In almost one fell swoop, Tyra has gotten rid of all the people on the show who might be deemed "controversial" or the "villain". Further proof that this show stopped bothering to pretend it's not completely rigged by Tyra many a cycle ago. I mean, even before Saleisha "won".

Poor Isis. Despite all of her godfather Tremain's wise advice about being herself, she just couldn't bring it. And for some reason, Tyra decided not to beat the "cause" horse to death. She clearly wanted Isis to feel uncomfortable though, because what else could have truly inspired that water shoot? I mean, besides Tyra's vacation with her friend when she had the GENIUS and ORIGINAL idea to take photos with her eyes just above the water! Wow!!! Will Tyra's creativity never cease? I haven't seen that kind of shot in like 40 perfume/diamonds ads, ever! Also, I love that Tyra thinks she's being all "real" (as usual) by admitting that she takes modeling shots even when she's on vacation with a "friend" (who clearly is not as beautiful or fierce as Tyra, even Tyra sans makeup). Anyway, I wish Isis hadn't been so worried about her bits floating free, since it was only supposed to be an eyes shot. Girl, you are a fierce tranny from Transylvania and you're not even apologizing for it. And I hope you're not homeless anymore.

P.S. Where was Tremain in those difficult days, btw? Too bad they didn't keep Isis on long enough so that Cycle 8's Renee could come back and have a heartfelt discussion with her about being homeless. On a beach in Hawaii. Riiiiiiight. Whatever you say, NeNe.

I was dancing with glee to see Clark go of course, although I will miss making fun of her goat nose every week. Actually, several people have pointed out that she looks sort of like Cycle 4 runner up Kahlen***, which is sort of true. If Kahlen had journeyed through a wardrobe into a magical land called Narnia, and met a friendly faun beneath a lamppost and then gotten down with him to produce a homophobic bitch named Clark:



mr. tumnus



Tell me she does not look like the illegitimate child of Mr. Tumnus. With a denim vagina. Anyway, happy trails to you and your camel toe, Clark! Try not to shoot anyone after you get back home.

My final comment for now is on Tyra's sanctimonious farewell speech to Isis. What the fuck was up with her stumbling through the " I get all of those, Miss Jay?" comment. And with such a fucking eyes-rolled-back-in-her-head insulting shit-eating look on her face? As if she doesn't owe her entire career to the LGBT community? Ughhh. I hate her.

Coming soon: More comments on the last few weeks, and the next segment of You Will See Me Again!

***Side note Kahlen story: My sister lives here in New York too, and over the summer she went out to dinner and her waitress was...Kahlen! Man, this show has done wonders for her. Anyway, my sister hates Tyra Banks with such a passion that she can't even bring herself to watch ANTM anymore (unlike the rest of us desperate addicted souls who just can't look away). But she must have seen it back in the day, because she recognized Kahlen and said, "Hey, didn't you come in third on America's Next Top Model?" Kahlen gave her some major stank eye and said, "Actually, I came in second." Sorry Kahlen! You are beautiful, no matter what they say! Words can't bring you down.