Sunday, November 30, 2008

Back in black!

Fierce readers, I am sorry that I've been neglecting the Weave. I've been super busy with school and GRE exams and many other non-fierce obligations. I originally starting writing this Weavecap a few weeks ago in a post-holiday haze, snuggled up on the couch with my dear college roommate Margaret B. She introduced me to the guilty pleasures of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and The Hills, both at the same time. I've been scrupulously avoiding The Hills because those bitches are SO useless, but it's not like I actually have high standards when it comes to reality TV programming. Clearly. I don't think I'll ever get into The Hills, but the Kardashians might be a decent addition to the roster of things I'll watch when I'm super bored. And hungover.

Anyway!! I can't talk about other shows for too long or I fear that Tyra Banks will turn herself into a murder of crows that will fly through the darkening skies to my fierce lair and claw at my weave until I collapse, trembling before her fury. Didn't you know that she went to Paris when she was seventeen years old to learn how to smile with her eyes AND how to practice black magic?

Finale Weavecap coming soon, as well as some more installments of You WILL See Me Again to tide us over until Cycle 47 or whatever the hell it is we're on begins.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

America's. Next. Top. Model. Is....





Hurrah!! Sorry that I have been neglecting the Weave, fierce readers. Expect a full Weavecap soon about the happy outcome of Cycle 11!!

Seriously, if fucking Samantha and her jowls had won, it would have been even bullshittier than Saleisha or Whitney winning, because at least then Tyra's transparent motives were obvious. Picking Samantha would have just been stupid here. When I was pondering the fact that Samantha MIGHT win, I imagined declaring my allegiance to the show to be through and that I'd never watch it again!! But we all know that would never happen. Damn you, Tyra Banks.

Anyway, congratulations to the Silent Thunder.

And haha, Tyra's face got cut off in that picture. Oh well! I don't know how to fix it, and nor do I want to.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

It's Brittany, bitch!

Also known as McKey. Because initials just don't work for Tyra Banks.

Anyway, McKey is my new superfavorite, and while I liked her weird beauty from the start, I did not pay enough attention. How could I not have noticed it before? It's like when Joey was in the fashion show to try to win scholarship money for college and sang "On My Own" from Les Miserables which totally was totally symbolic of her feelings for Dawson and then Dawson finally noticed that Joey was beautiful and that he had feelings for her and then they talked about it for like five years but never had sex. Kind of like that.

Anyway, let's review McKey's fierce photos because stupid Tyra might not let us get that far:

Okay, let's ignore the hellacious outfit. Perhaps it was a hint of the chain mail to come. But her body and face still look pretty great.

She was a bit stuck in the "boxing" pose, but her body is still posed at an interesting angle, her face looks great, and she can pull off the weird hair.

I love that shade of green on her, and the green eyeshadow looks great too. Her body doesn't look uncomfortable or awkward, which is a feat for someone hanging off of a rope ladder. And her face still looks fierce.

Makeover shot! It took a little time for the haircut to grow on me, and I could still do without the longer hair at the nape of her neck, but she can pull it off

See, the haircut is growing on me. And black hair, pale skin and piercing blue eyes is a HOT combo. Someone also commented quite rightly on the fourfour blog that McKey definitely has a Courtney Cox-Arquette thing happening. I definitely see it, but she is fiercer and more high fashion than Ms. Cox-Arquette, Bruce Springsteen video or no Bruce Springsteen video.

This shot is fine, neither here nor there for me, really. But that might be because I think it's a STUPID photo shoot idea, TYRA. Still, McKey's eyes are connecting to the camera, though her nose looks a little crooked. But I kind of like it.

Again, another totally ludicrous photo shoot idea, but I can't help it: I'm loving McKey in this one as well. For a completely STUPID concept, she still looks really great in the 60's mod look, and is managing to use her whole body on the set and still look fierce in the face.

This is one of the first shots of McKey that got a major reaction out of the judges. If I recall, some loved her face while someone might have pointed out that a losing contender for an award would have a fake smile on their face. (But then they probably would have slammed her for looking fake. Ughhh) Anyway, regardless of your interpretation of the challenge, this girl really doesn't have a bad angle on her.

Yay, one that the judges loved! Eyes, legs, face--all fierce!

And then Spontaniouse really started to fall in love. GORGEOUS. Simple, unadorned, and still gorgeous. And nothing to do with Tyra's photography.

Oh god. Oh god. Be still my heart. This is fucking HOT. This looks like a real ad. Awesome angles, hot ass, gorgeous face, and she is rocking the slicked-back hair.

Holy god, when she was getting ready for this shot and wearing that outfit, I was dying. I'm a sucker for this kind of look. It's the only thing that keeps me watching The L Word. SHAAAAAAAANE.


Oh yes, Shane. Yes, yes I do.

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway, that is what McKey really has going for her. Androgyny is ragingly hot in editorial ads right now. (See, the early 90's are totally back!) Tyra HAS to know that. And McKey is really versatile in the kind of makeup and hair she can pull off. She can look gorgeous all across the spectrum.

I'm going to try to do a retrospective of the rest of the girls, but I might not have time. I tell you though, I looked at Anneleigh's portfolio, and all of the pictures the judges liked were TOTALLY overrated. And Samantha is just a total fucking nonentity. She had ONE good picture last week, and the rest are basically crap. JOWLS.

I do love ma petite Marjorie, but alas...she won't make it. I would love to see a McKey/Marjorie finale, but we may be stuck with the Clown Face. Predictions, fierce readers?

Also, I'm sorry that some of these pictures are getting cut off. I am too technologically stupid to know how to fix it. They're all on the official ANTM site!


First, I just watched the preview for next week on the ANTM website, which I missed last week. Marjorie gets totally plastered!! I can't wait!!!

Now, let's talk a bit more about McKey, who I am from now on dubbing Silent Thunder. My very astute friend Patria is calling her for the winner, and the hilarious and smart Rich from fourfour also thinks that she's going to pull it off. I hope they're right! But I do not doubt Tyra Banks's capacity to disappoint me.

Now, I don't think that I was mesmerized by McKey's beauty when I watched the last episode just because I was snoop doggin' it a bit on Sunday afternoon. I've been kind of into her since the beginning, but twitchy little Marjorie with her lesbian hair has been distracting me. (Loved the trim. Loved it!) However, she has seemed kind of forgettable...I mean, I literally forgot about her in one of my posts a few weeks ago. Yet, Tyra has never called her out on that at all, despite the fact that she hasn't gotten a ton of screen time. That means either that they've been editing McKey to keep her in the background, or Tyra has once again been a complete hypocrite about how much "personality" America's. Next. Top. Model. is supposed to have.

As much as I love Marjorie's photos, there's no way that she's going to make it through the Cover Girl commercial without absolutely losing her shit. To me, that leaves McKey as the logical winner, based on photos and performance. (Not forgetting that we never see the girls walk in more than like, two episodes, because most of them suck at it.) Anyway, please note that I said LOGICAL winner. We all know that logic usually has NOTHING to do with who Tyra chooses as the winner. SALEISHA. WHITNEY.

Now, I think McKey could still have a chance. She's really different from anyone who's won in a while. The edgy girl with short hair hasn't won...well, EVER really, even though that's who I always root for. (A.J., Mollie Sue, Kim...sighhhhh). Really, the edgy short hair thing has never won: Yoanna looked gorgeous with short hair, but she was just that: gorgeous, classic--not edgy. I wouldn't put Eva in the edgy category necessarily either. McKey's body is also fierce, but not too emaciated, and with the Linda Evangelista hair, she totally looks like a classic early 90's model, which is a look that is starting to make a little comeback these days, I think. Plus now that Sheena is gone, all my predictions about the first Asian ANTM winner are out the window.

Here's what I FEAR will happen though: That poor McKey will go the way of Cycle 9's Jenna. As in, she will technically be the most beautiful, with the best pictures by far, but she will be kicked off because she is not part of Tyra's master plan to pit Shitleisha against the weakass Chantal, supposedly justifying Shitleisha's win. Which translates into: Tyra has already decided that Annaleigh Clown Face should be the winner, which means that Marjorie will get kicked off next week for being too tetchy, which leaves a final 3 of McKey, Annaleigh Clown Face and Jowls Samantha. McKey could get kicked off for supposedly not looking "Cover Girl" enough (when in reality she is just the stiffest competition) which leaves the lame-o blondes to battle it out, and Annaleigh will win and completely not deserve it. I'm worried about Clown Face. The judges have been giving her disproportionate amounts of praise, and they loved her first Cover Girl commercial. Grrrrrrr.

And we will also be forced to watch a retrospective of Anneleigh and Samantha's "portfolios" which will probably consist of the TWO pictures from last week that were sort of good. Just like Shitleisha and Chantal. Seriously, remember? Back in the day it sort of used to be a finale between two girls who had strong photos, and we would see a side-by-side comparison of their photos from almost every week. We saw two photos of those bitches. Same with Whitney. Lame!!

Also, I've been trying to think of the best way to describe Annaleigh's weird exaggerated clown face features, and for some reason I keep thinking that she looks like Biff Tannen mated with a Bratz Doll.






Doesn't her head look too small for her body? Booooo. She better not win. Sighhhh. None of her photos are that impressive, either, but I can just HEAR Tyra creaming her pants all over Annaleigh's portfolio. We'll get to that later.

HOWEVER, I perused McKey's entire portfolio, and you know what, fierce readers? It's actually kind of awesome. Pretty. Fierce. Indeed. In fact, I'd go so far as to say there isn't really a bad one in the bunch, and there are a few that are actually really great. And I thought she was cool-looking when she had long red hair, and I dig her with the short black hair too. She could be a totally versatile model.

Also, isn't it weird to rememember that her real name is Brittany? Doesn't that seem completely unsuitable for her? Much like the British accent she somehow picked up in two days in Amsterdam? However, all Madonna-ish accent pretensions can be forgiven when we examine her pictures, which I will do in the next post since this one is already too long!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Go and Sees

Ok, before I say anything else: McKey looked SO FUCKING HOT in that rock star white blouse and the skinny black tie. Holy hot. I love that skinny black and white early 90's rock star chic androgyny thing. Hot damn. I just watched the most recent episode and for some reason McKey just look totally gorgeous to me throughout the whole episode. Maybe that was magic chain mail she was wearing last week. Her fairy godmother gave it to her, and wearing it turns her into a beautiful elven warrior princess.

Right. Now, I must apologize to you, fierce readers, that I have been slacking on the Weavecaps lately. I've been studying like crazy for the GRE subject test in literature. Which I took yesterday and oh my god. I would rather spend three hours listening to Tyra tell me stories about when she was 17 than go through that again.

Anyway, I will try to get back to some of the finer points of last week's episode, because there were some golden moments, but I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about the go-sees episode instead!

Aside from my newfound love for McKey, Marjorie also continues to look really beautiful to me (when she is not talking). Her trim was actually an improvement and I LOVED her makeup shot. With the black and white striped dress in the black and white film and the HOT short hair and dark lips, it all looked so classic and Parisian but with a modern twist. If only she wasn't so freaking awkward and completely incapable of handling any kind of social interaction. Way to go, home schooling. Anyway, she has a lot of moments when she's posing when she just moves her face to a certain angle and she just looks really genuinely beautiful. When she talks she looks like a 14-year old boy with ADHD. I've been saying for weeks that the go-sees would be a disastrous challenge for her BUT at least she did not go the predictable way of Heather. Good thing her European heritage makes her SO controlled that she doesn't let her nerves get the better of her and end up a hot tranny mess in tears all the time. Oh wait.

Oh, ANG-Elina. Oh my god. Is it possible that I didn't notice until this moment how similar the NAMES Elina and Angelina are, let alone the faces and tattoos? That is hilarious. How much do you want to bet that Elina's real name is like Oksana or something? She totally named herself after Mrs. Pitt. Well, I knew she couldn't last much longer. Once Tyra starts really pushing the personality flaw at the judging, you know that girl is going to be out of there faster than you can mispronounce Katarzyna.

Though Elina was fading a bit for me, I still think she deserves to be thIere more than Samantha the Jowls and Annaleigh the Clown Face Cheerleader. Ughhhhhhhh. It's too much to hope that Tyra will grant my wishes and give me a Marjorie/McKey top 2. One of those blonde bitches is bound to be in the finale, and I'm betting it's Annaleigh. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Annaleigh wins this whole thing at this point. She's the most traditionally "Cover Girl" out of the girls who are left. Marjorie could look pretty and classic in a Cover Girl ad, but there's no way she can handle the spokesmodel aspect of it. And I think McKey's weird edgy face makes her the most runway ready of the girls (because real runway models are totally weird-looking) but I don't know if that will translate into the kind of Cover Girl look that the show pushes. She's too EDGY. Which is always better than being commercial until you do a Cover Girl ad and you aren't commercial enough. Even though being "commercial" is the big modeling sin. Until you try to book a Cover Girl campaign, because a majorly successful yet still pretty affordable makeup line isn't commercial at all. This doesn't even make sense when I try to write it. O Hypocrisy, thy name is Tyra and your advice about modeling.

I'm also really looking forward to fourfour's still frames of Tyra's crazy face this episode, because there were a lot of potential moments.


Did anyone else love Annaleigh's crestfallen look when Tyra announced at panel that McKey would have been the challenge winner if she wasn't late? Hahaha--like, Annaleigh seriously did not realize that before Tyra announced it. I'm serious, she didn't. There is not much going on in that girl's head besides missing her boyfriend and wondering what's happening on Gossip Girl.

I think if there is anything truly consistent about ANTM (yes, there actually IS something consistent about ANTM besides Tyra's continuously inflating ego and dumb girls) it's that probably at every single panel judging I have ever seen, I have either thought or yelled, "TYRA, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???" This episode was no exception. She is TOTALLY getting fat again. And I don't know what happening with the early 90's stiff shiny material dress with the doorjamb pillow straps and the huge cum stain on her boob, but it was not NOT flattering. And I'll tell ya, I am no Kate Moss, but that was one meaty thigh Tyra had peeking out at a slimming angle from under that monstrosity.

That's all for now, fierce ones. I am battling a mountain of schoolwork bigger than Miss Jay's heels. Almost time for the finale!! Who's gonna be on top??

Friday, November 7, 2008


Also, I forgot to mention that they film the runway show TWICE. Which means that whenever you see a bitch take a major digger on the runway (or, you know, fall off the floating runway dock into the water), they kept that take on purpose. Tyra, you sneaky vindictive bastard.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Non-disclosure agreement

Fierce readers, I made a promise. A promise to Tyra. I promised not to reveal any of the fierceness that I witnessed this evening, and I won't. BUT I feel no ethical qualms about telling you some of the tidbits I learned about how ANTM is made AND who I saw there.

I don't think it's wrong either to say that we saw a runway challenge--I will say nothing about the designer, the girls, or the show itself. What I learned is that every time you thought the girls were competing in a "real" runway show, you were wrong. (But we didn't really believe that anyway, did we?) The people in the audience are just regular old peeps like Spontaniouse here who somehow lucked their way into getting on the guest list, NOT any fashion industry people.*** It's a runway show filmed exclusively for ANTM. But we knew that.

Also, they film the audience cheering and applauding while crew people work the catwalk as decoy models because when the actual contestants are walking, they only film them and not the audience. So yes! This show is even faker and more edited than we thought!

The truly exciting part is that Paulina, Nigel and Mr. Jay were in the house, as well as Miss Jay working her fierce way down the runway. And yes:

1. Mr. Jay is just as orange-skinned and silver-haired in real life

2. Nigel Barker is totally hot

3. And Paulina is actually really beautiful and a lot younger-looking in real life

And that's all I think I can really say for now. Believe me, I would LOVE to share my opinion on the girls that I saw, but I believe that would violate the Tyra contract.

I don't know if you'll be able to spot me and Wholahay in the audience when the episode airs because we were about seven rows back, but maybe we'll be sparkly little spots in the crowd! What a dream come true...

***Again, major props to Wholahay for having cool friends who let us know about this.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008




Monday, November 3, 2008


Hell to the yes. Wholahay's diligence as a Top Model fan has paid off, and we are going to the taping!!

This is super exciting of course, not only because we actually get to see ANTM live and in action, but because we might possibly be spotted IN an episode of American's Next Top Model!!! And it isn't the idea of being on TV that's exciting--it's being on ANTM. Let's be clear.

Thanks Wholahay!!! And to all the fierce readers who prayed to Tyra to make our wishes come true.