Wednesday, February 25, 2009

More gratuitous Yoanna

One our favorite Weaveologists, beliefunwrought, mentioned the gorgeous Yoanna's awesome helmet pic. I once wore a bike helmet in a Christmas card photo with my friends that I lived with the year after I graduated from college. Long story. Anyway, here's the fabulous Yoanna! Her face is flawless.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Cycle Deux: YOU HAD SEX?!?!

First of all, I'm watching Obama's address to Congress right now, and I'm wondering how many standing O's Nancy Pelosi can actually start. I'd also really love somebody to do a slow clap.

Ha! Somebody totally just tried to start some applause, but it quickly died out in embarrassment. Don't you kind of hate when that happens, like during a play, after a sad musical number or devastating scene? And you can just READ THE FUCKING mind of the audience, because you've become a symbiotic being, all thinking: Do we clap? Do we...clap...clap...uhhh, no. I always imagine the embarrassment of the few people who actually clapped, how they stop clapping as quickly as possible and then look around furtively to see if anyone noticed them clapping.

Okay, my roommate wants to switch over to Desperate Housewives, which is one crappy show I never actually got into, so let us continue to the crappy show that I absolutely am far too into: Nah nah nah nah nah...

"I absolutely refuse to wear heels!...But I would like to be a little taller."

Ahhh...had anyone else forgotten about the nonsensical joys of Season 2's Jenaschia?


I had also forgotten about the shining comic gem that is Xiomara and her crazy eyes. I wish I could show you the still frame that my fierce friends Lauronda and Mike and I were howling over, after Mike managed to pause the show at the exact right moment after the fifth try: "Wait! Wait! I have it this time!" This moment is hard to adequately explain with words alone. Back in the days of panel challenges, the Season 2 girls had to walk down the runway at judging for Miss J. and of course, Tyra and the other forgettable gay judge, plus the awful/useless Nole Marin and the always handsome/skeevy Nigel Barker. Xiomara was a tall girl with kind of a muscular frame, and crazy eyes that made her look like she was about to transform into a werewolf or perhaps rip off her face to reveal the alien creature within. She walks down the runway with her crazy eyes glaring like twin moons of death, stops and poses at the end of the runway, and then does this weird double head bob while her eyes flicker back and forth like an insect, and then finally stop when she is glaring out of the side of her eyes at the judges. We finally managed to pause the screen on this exact moment, and I tell you, fierce readers: Ms. Tyra never had eyes so crazy. And that is saying something.

(Mike also invented this scary throaty monster voice for Xiomara's inner alien. She mostly just said: "ELIMINATED.")


I couldn't find a picture that did the crazy eyes justice, but you can kind of see them in there. Waiting. Okay, I'll stop now because this is clearly going to be funny pretty much only to me, Mike and Lauronda.

Moving on: Season 2! Infamous for the "YOU HAD SEX?!?" incident and one of the original great ANTM bitches: Camille, self described "Miss Jamaica...1st runner up" and a woman who is "maybe just a bit more educated than some of these other girls." Oh, Camille. That is your signature walk, and that is the walk that's going to make you famous. Bitch Avenue, that is! Oh snap!


I loved how Camille thought she was all classy, but let's examine this picture, shall we? What's awesomer? Her Fraggle hair, the visible deodorant in her armpit, or the sweetheart-cut denin tube top with the clothesline halter? Speaking of classy and Camille, there was this other hilarious moment when she was having a little heart-to-heart with Tyra at the house, leaning over the arm of the chair and sipping on her BLUSH wine. Give me a break, Camille, and pass the Carlo Rossi.

Let's also not forget about the first girl to be kicked off this season: Anna, the wife and mother from Georgia or somewhere down South. She got kicked off for refusing to do the semi-nude body paint shoot. While crying to some crew member about this, she explained her feelings about it. I'm going to write it out in play form so that you can get the full effect:

Anna: (through shuddering sobs) It's (gasp!) just that (gasp!) the only one who's seen me (gasp!) is my (sob) HUSBAND! And if I let everybody (gasp!) see it then (weeping, sobbing) it won't be (gasp!) special when I (sob) show! (sobbing).

I like how she says "it", like she's specifically referring to her vagina, and not her nude body in the abstract. Because you know she is. Also, when confronted about her decision at panel, Nole Marin or perhaps the excellently crazy Janice Dickinson asks her if it's because she's religious. Anna replies, and again this is a direct quote, "I'm not religious. I just try to be Christlike."

You can imagine how Ms. Janice took this. Speaking of which, hollaaaa Janice!! We miss you and your plastic surgery, girl. She was looking supremely wacked out in this episode, too. She was so gorgeous back in the day!

Anyway, I never understand the girls who freak out about the nudity when they come on this show. Like, honestly? Have they never SEEN the show before? There are always photo shoots with a certain degree of nudity. How can you possibly not have known that this was a potential scenario? Also, do you seriously think you want to be an actual working model when you refuse to do nudity? It comes with the territory, ladies, at least for girls with serious careers. Like, even the girls on Project Runway who complain sometimes about feeling too naked and make the designers change things around---1. I don't get it and 2. That is proof enough of how different the fashion world is on reality T.V. vs. the actual world where Donatalla Versace would cut a bitch if some model tried to plead modesty to make them change a garment minutes before a runway show.

Right! The thing people forget about the early seasons is how much more hands-on Tyra was (or at least pretended to be) with the girls. She would show up at the house to talk to them and give sage advice, sometimes with the help of her mother, the inestimable Carol London. She'd actually give some posing lessons or give them suggestions at the actual photo shoot, like showing Xiomara the best way to crouch in front of a wall so as not to flash too much crotch while pretending to be Grace Jones. Now she's only ever at the judging (or the girls meet her at her talk show. Can you believe she's actually won some Emmys?) Or she arrives to show off her remarkable talent as a photographer. The remarkable way she points and clicks in natural light. Remember during the Whitney season when Tyra was SO SCARED to do the photo shoot because it was the FIRST TIME she hadn't shot in NATURAL LIGHT? Bitch, please! Like you set up that lighting. Just like in nature, that shit was set up for you when you got there. You just pressed the button.

Arghhhhhh. Sometimes, when I really think about how much time and energy Tyra Banks has sucked out of my life, it's actually pretty sad. I'm sad for myself. But...then the fierceness takes over again.

Still, it was good to see the show back before it had become a completely insane parody of itself. Back when the majority of the girls actually looked as though they could be models. With, of course, a few exceptions. There always have to be a few crazies/lameos/fuggos that Tyra can pick off at will while she spins the contrived weave we're meant to believe is a fair and unbiased competition. Ha. WEAVE.

Also, I think Yoanna really was the most beautiful contestant ever on the show, and the most deserving winner. Her face is just perfection. She looked so fabulous with that short haircut.


Shandi's might also be the best makeover ever accomplished on the show. Now, feelings on Shandi's beauty are divided.
She was way too skinny, totally awkward in person, and had sort of severe features in a plain a lot of actual working runway models. The scary thing about her, aside from or perhaps because of how incredibly bony she was, Shandi was the one who looked the most like a real model. I say it again. Still, she really did need the old toss-out-the-hair-pull-off-the-glasses 80's teen movie makeover thing to happen. And it did!



Yoanna and Shandi were definitely my two favorites in Season 2, and are probably two of the most beautiful girls out of the whole show for me. So thank you, ANTM. Thank you.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Bitch shot a bullet in my weave!


This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Aside from the fact that some asshole tried to kill a woman, this is truly the greatest story ever told. Sorry, Jesus. A thousand props to my fierce friend Patria for bringing this to my attention:

You HAVE to watch the video. That is the best part, not only because of our fierce survivor, but because of how many times the newscasters say "weave" and for their clear confusion about just how a weave functions. They should watch more ANTM.

Also, the bullet in the corner of the video still frame looks like a metal dildo.

Best line: "I've been wearing it for years! And I've invested a lot of money into this weave, and it saved my life! It saved my life."

"Halfway Back To Sane"

Yeah, well--I think we all know that our favorite undiscovered supermodel wasn't ever anywhere close to sane, let alone halfway. However, that phrase is supposed to apply to the wounded feelings of the shitty lead singer of the awful band that made this asstrocious music video, the only redeeming quality of which is that we get to see our own Jade from Cycle 6 run around in a naughty nurse's uniform in mental institution!

Seriously, everything about this video sucks. The song sucks, the singing sucks, the "acting" sucks, the production value sucks, but I think mostly the lyrics suck. I would say watch it without the sound on, because the music makes absolutely no difference in your enjoyment of watching Jade walk fiercely down a hallway pushing a wheelchair, but then again, maybe you want to actually know how craptastic this song is. Who let these people make a video??

The real crowning jewel for me though is that the singer totally looks like Joey Jeremiah in his Degrassi: The Next Generation days, who (as some of you might know) did once have musical aspirations on the show during the junior high years, but I honestly think that the pre-teen gentlemen of The Zit Remedy could have come up with better lyrics than "my hands are still raw from holding on to lost love" and "I already know the name of pain".

GROAAAAAAAN. You know that that dude thinks those words are SO DEEP. And how fucking STUPID is the band name "Telling On Trixie"? Ughhhh....Hoobastank still holds the title of Worst Band Name Ever, but these guys are giving them a run for the money.

Anyway, check out our beautiful biracial butterfly:

And in case you were wondering, fierce readers, I'm not including this video in Jade's You WILL See Me Again segment because I'm sitting on some DELICIOUS pictures of her for that.

Also, this might be old news to some of you, but Jade is actually also in the Jay-Z "Change Clothes" video, so good for her! How hilarious that she would actually be involved with a project that includes Tyra's arch-nemesis, Naomi Campbell. Sorry, Tyra--it doesn't matter how many phones Ms. Campbell throws at her assistant or how many times you mention that she fell on her ass on the runway one time, if you ask someone who THE black supermodel of the 1990's was, they're gonna say Naomi. (Psssst--she's still actually modeling, too, unlike a certain talk show host who shall remain nameless).

Jay-Z totally mentions weaves in this song! Awesome. Also, is that Kelly Ripa in the audience? Weird. And that model with the shaved head is HOT. And, oh god oh god oh god--that is SO model/actress Omahyra Mota on the runway around the 3:42 and the 3:52 mark, and I think she is basically the hottest thing that has ever lived. Okay, Spontaniouse. Calm yourself. Okay, I am calm. Jade appears right after her, starting around the 3:56 mark. Go Jade! You might not be America's Next Top Model or America's Next Top Best Friend, but you made it into a video with Hova. Nice work. Remind me again which part of the dinosaur family elephants belong to?

Sorry, the embedding is disabled for this video, but here's the link:

And for those of you not familiar with Degrassi, I give you Joey Jeremiah:


Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Well, fierce readers, you may have already heard, but the premiere of the new cycle of ANTM has been pushed back a week, from February 25th to March 4th. The premiere will also be a special 2-hour episode. So, basically they are cramming two episodes into one and making us wait an extra week for the addiction to take over our lives again, no matter how hard we try to resist (okay, I never try to resist), no matter how many runway shows in a Goodwill parking lot we have to accept as high-fashion training or how many times Tyra uses onomatopoeia to impart almost 20 years of fashion industry wisdom to racist high school students from Alaska and cage dancers from Beaver Falls, PA.

Actually, all quips aside, the truest indication of how deep Tyra has her claws in me is that fact that I watched the entire Saleisha season and still returned for more torture after that catastrophe was finally over. It was, in the immortal words of Cher Horowitz, a total travesty.


This also means that your faithful Weavologist Spontaniouse has to wait another week to dish the dirt and her extra-informed opinion of the first runway show of the season! I got to go to the taping if you recall, but I also had to sign a confidentiality agreement that is SO CLOSE to expiring! And now I have to wait! For no good reason, I'm sure. Dammit, Ken Mok!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

America's Next Top Idol

All right, fierce readers. Just when you thought ANTM couldn't get any gayer, an announcement like this is made. It might be the gayest announcement about ANTM ever. And it has nothing to do with Miss J's inability to wear pants. (Or does it??)

Clay Aiken to appear on 'America's Next Top Model'

Feb 4, 2009. EW has learned exclusively that American Idol's season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will participate in an acting challenge with the ladies -- and serve as a guest judge on the panel -- in an April episode of America's Next Top Model. Ciara will also stop by for a photo shoot that week but -- ah, who cares! Claymates set your Tivo now! The series' 12th cycle kicks off Feb. 25 on The CW.


I don't even know where to start with this one. Oh wait, yes I do. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian leprechaun. Somebody PLEASE cut that hair and I would say do something about his eyebrows, but I suppose that would really only serve to make him look gayer, if that's possible. See, here I'm starting with my complete befuddlement over the Clay Aiken appeal in general. I'll get to the ANTM portion in a moment.

The Claymate thing! I SOOO don't get it! Young girls and middle-aged women everywhere fall all over their damn selves because of him! He does have a very nice voice and he's talented, but the crushing? If you go to the actual web page to read that article, you will notice that the fourth comment is by some woman named Flo (how appropriate) and she's gushing over how handsome he is. What? Liking his music is one thing, but where is this supposed sex appeal coming from? Could they have really had flickering hopes in their little girl (and middle-aged) hearts that one day, somehow, they'd fall in love? (I know that I imagined being Mrs. Jordan Knight more than once, but that made perfect sense. I'll be loving YOU forever, Jordan). Clay has always been more transparently gay than the ghost of Paul Lynde, which isn't to say that we ladies can't desperately crush out on gay dudes with non-traditional sex appeal (hello, Neil Patrick Harris!) but Clay Aiken...I don't get it. Did you know that his "autobiography" is called "Measure of a Man"? Well, Clay, way to make clear what's important in your life.

And he thought we wouldn't figure out the gayness until AFTER he had an inseminated baby with a 50-year old woman named Jaymes? COME. ON.

Anyway. Before you ask yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about fashion?" (Maybe middle-aged ladies like him because they're into the same kind of jeans), start asking yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about acting?" Yes, as the article points out, Clay will be there to judge an acting challenge, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than him being involved in any other way, since he is the rare breed of gay that has absolutely no sense of the fabulous.

(Oh man, I REALLY hope that he tries to queen it up around Miss Jay and Tyra on that panel. It would be like if Anthony Michael Hall's big Breakfast Club secret was that he'd been caught with gay porn in his locker and then decided to really embrace his true self after he made some cool friends).

Here's the thing. Clay Aiken's only real acting credit to date is his starring role on Broadway in Spamalot, in which he basically just had to play himself: A dumb goofy singing white dude. For the love of Taye Diggs, surely there have to be legions of unemployed actors who actually have some kind of resume who would be willing to spend an hour filming a reality show? Was Freddie Prinze Jr. like really busy this fall?

The only explanation I can think of is that gays do revolve around Planet Tyra like glowing little moons, and there might be another layer of some unforeseen reasoning behind this that might become clear when we see the episode. If singing is involved, it could be awesome. I'd love to try to see the girls attempt to have even an iota of Broadway pizzazz. Mostly because I would then like to see what Tyra will do to show them how she could have done it better. Remember: It's not like oooh, it's like ahhhh! Do you see the difference?

T minus 20 days till the new season. Get your weaves sewn on tight, ladies. I have a feeling the ride is going to be bumpier than Furonda's skin.