All I have to say for right now is: Teyona, you are no Bebe Zahara Benet.
I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.
http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/338274/part-6-of-ep-5-rupauls-drag-race.jhtml?id=1604030
Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Rita Hayworth gave good face
But Allison does not, despite what the judges might believe (or pretend to believe so as to continue on the already-decided weeks ago arc of who exactly will be in the top 3 according to Tyra's master plan).
Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.
In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:
1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!
2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.
3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)
4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?
5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.
6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.
That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.
Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.
Post-makeover Allison:
Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:
And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.
Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.
In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:
1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!
2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.
3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)
4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?
5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.
6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.
That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.
Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.
Post-makeover Allison:
Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:
And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.
Monday, March 30, 2009
SUPER bad
Kids, I'm slightly drunk and listening to Missy Elliot. And I can't apologize enough for being behind in the Weave. Stupid grad school. I actually sat down last week with my laptop, fully prepared to take notes on last week's episode, and then my piece of shit TV did not want to present Channel 11 to me. Fuck! Normally I watch ANTM at my friend Mary's on her fancy cable instead of on our questionable saved-from-the-garbage television. Foiled!
Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.
Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.
Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.
Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.
Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.
Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.
Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.
Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
For Fierce Eyes Only
That is totally the new banner on my cell phone.
Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?
The Bitches:
No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.
Let's start with the ones I like:
....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).
Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.
Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!
I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.
To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.
Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.
Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?
The Bitches:
No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.
Let's start with the ones I like:
....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).
Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.
Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!
I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.
To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.
Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
GIRLS GONE WILD!!
This happened over the weekend, so it might be old news to some of you, fierce readers, but check out the calamity that occurred on Saturday at the New York audition for the next crop of bitches! Did Bianca show up to lead a rumble? Or are the shorties just extra desperate? Either way, this bodes well for a new season that is less boring than the new one already is.
Either way, it was only a matter of time before Tyra inspired a bloodbath:
Also, my apologies to you, fierce readers, for being so behind with the Weavecaps so far. I'm in my last semester of grad school, and for once I must prioritize my own life's work over Tyra's. But some intense writing is about to begin, which means some intense procrastinating will be in order too.
Either way, it was only a matter of time before Tyra inspired a bloodbath:
Also, my apologies to you, fierce readers, for being so behind with the Weavecaps so far. I'm in my last semester of grad school, and for once I must prioritize my own life's work over Tyra's. But some intense writing is about to begin, which means some intense procrastinating will be in order too.
Monday, March 9, 2009
"Gentlemen, start your engines...And may the best woman win!"
Now, ladies. I know that we have an entire new cycle of ANTM to ridicule, and that Ms. Spontaniouse needs to get crackin'! (Rumor has it that the elusive Wholahay might even be contributing to the Weave again during this new rotation of crazies, sob stories and smiling with your eyes.) I would include "epileptics" in that list, but sadly, our token "disordered" model has already been sent on her way to the great photo shoot in the sky, a place where there is only soft glow and no strobe lights.
But before we get to any of that, fierce readers, you must first learn about a show that I believe has actually superseded Top Model in gayness, fierceness and sparkles. I am serious. Spontaniouse has finally taken another lover, and that lover is RuPaul's Drag Race.
I had kind of heard of the show and was kind of skeptical, but last weekend changed all that. I went to Philadelphia for the weekend to celebrate my fierce friend Patria's birthday, and after a night of bar dancing and a day of historical sightseeing nerdery, by the time dinner time rolled around, we needed a break to rest before hitting the town again. The friend we were staying with recommended Miss Ru's show, and from the second it began we were hooked like crack whores. We watched four episodes in a row and moaned when none were left.
Let me try to explain: This is the perfect storm of a reality show. It's like a delicious swirly combination of America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance. (Which are my all-time top three reality shows, just so you know). Each week, the ladies have different challenges: photo shoots, making their own outfits, dance performances, etc. While they're working on their various projects, RuPaul will come in to see how they're doing, much like the esteemed and beloved Miss Tim Gunn. Ru even dresses a bit like La Gunn in these segments, in a fab suit & glasses. He chats with each of the girls, asks them some questions and gives a little bit of advice (but not as explicitly as Tim Gunn) and then gives them a little group pep talk, ending with the inspirational command--no, not "Make it work!"--but "Don't fuck it up!" I give Miss Ru triple snaps for being to the point!
Then we take it to the judges' panel. Our panel is headed up by Miss Ru (in full drag regalia now, of course--girl has to make a serious entrance) and some random fashion people I don't really care about, except for the occasional appearance of Bob Mackie AND permanent judge...Santino, of Project Runway (and Tim Gunn impression) fame! Santino is TOTALLY weird and supposedly bisexual according to his crazy website, but I heart the P.Way and it's funny to have him there. He actually has some pretty sound opinions. Anyway! We get the magical pleasure of a full-on drag runway show, and then the ladies are judged on their challenges. One winner is announced, and then Ru informs the bottom two that the time has come for them to "LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!"
Oh yes. Then a dueling lip sync battle ensues, to various fabulous gay anthems, including (of course) "Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Miss Ru herself, and joy of joys, "The Greatest Love of All" by Miss Whitney "Hell to the no!" Houston. RuPaul then decides who will "Chantey...you stay" and who will "Sashay...away." (I am spelling those words the way they're spelled in the lyrics to Supermodel, but I'm sure there's some proper French dance term spelling with accent aigus that I am unable to accomplish because I am still unfamiliar with this Mac).
As my fabulous friend Mike said last night after witnessing his first lip sync battle: "I could watch an hour of just that." ME TOO.
Every single person I have watched this show with in the last week has gotten completely addicted to it, including my straight boy roommate Aniss. Loves it.
Now, I must confess--for all the crazy fabulous campiness of this show, I think the real reason that I am TRULY in love with RuPaul's Drag Race is because for the first time in a while I have developed a celebrity crush that might only rival the days when I was singing "Happy Birthday" to my New Kids on the Block poster on the appropriate five days a year. Yes. I did. Anyway!
I am in love, and I am in love with Nina Flowers. If Nina doesn't win this whole thing, it will be a bigger pile of bullshit than Saleisha winning Top Model just because she was all up in Tyra's T-Zone.
Nina Flowers is so fucking fierce. She's got this crazy androgynous punk rock glam look going on, but she can also turn around and be totally vintage or retro looking. She is from Puerto Rico and has an adorable accent, and is totally sassy but not a bitch. She's a makeup artist in real life, and it shows.
The other thing that I love about her is that I am totally endeared to her when she ISN'T in drag too. And this is where it gets crazy--and proves her talent as a queen, I think--because in person and out of drag, Miss Nina is a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He looks like someone who would punch you at a German rave, and he is totally hot. Then he turns into the most glittering bird of fierceness on stage! I am totally sexually attracted to both sides of Nina, and it is causing me lesbian confusion. And I kind of love it.
Best of all, I totally friended Miss Nina on myspace, and wrote her a long gushy message about how fabulous she is, and she totally wrote back to me the next day! She is such a darling and I love her. She's also blogging about each of the episodes on her myspace blog, and her inside scoop is totally cute and sweet!
Seriously, watch the show. You won't believe it.
NINAAAAA!!!!
But before we get to any of that, fierce readers, you must first learn about a show that I believe has actually superseded Top Model in gayness, fierceness and sparkles. I am serious. Spontaniouse has finally taken another lover, and that lover is RuPaul's Drag Race.
I had kind of heard of the show and was kind of skeptical, but last weekend changed all that. I went to Philadelphia for the weekend to celebrate my fierce friend Patria's birthday, and after a night of bar dancing and a day of historical sightseeing nerdery, by the time dinner time rolled around, we needed a break to rest before hitting the town again. The friend we were staying with recommended Miss Ru's show, and from the second it began we were hooked like crack whores. We watched four episodes in a row and moaned when none were left.
Let me try to explain: This is the perfect storm of a reality show. It's like a delicious swirly combination of America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance. (Which are my all-time top three reality shows, just so you know). Each week, the ladies have different challenges: photo shoots, making their own outfits, dance performances, etc. While they're working on their various projects, RuPaul will come in to see how they're doing, much like the esteemed and beloved Miss Tim Gunn. Ru even dresses a bit like La Gunn in these segments, in a fab suit & glasses. He chats with each of the girls, asks them some questions and gives a little bit of advice (but not as explicitly as Tim Gunn) and then gives them a little group pep talk, ending with the inspirational command--no, not "Make it work!"--but "Don't fuck it up!" I give Miss Ru triple snaps for being to the point!
Then we take it to the judges' panel. Our panel is headed up by Miss Ru (in full drag regalia now, of course--girl has to make a serious entrance) and some random fashion people I don't really care about, except for the occasional appearance of Bob Mackie AND permanent judge...Santino, of Project Runway (and Tim Gunn impression) fame! Santino is TOTALLY weird and supposedly bisexual according to his crazy website, but I heart the P.Way and it's funny to have him there. He actually has some pretty sound opinions. Anyway! We get the magical pleasure of a full-on drag runway show, and then the ladies are judged on their challenges. One winner is announced, and then Ru informs the bottom two that the time has come for them to "LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!"
Oh yes. Then a dueling lip sync battle ensues, to various fabulous gay anthems, including (of course) "Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Miss Ru herself, and joy of joys, "The Greatest Love of All" by Miss Whitney "Hell to the no!" Houston. RuPaul then decides who will "Chantey...you stay" and who will "Sashay...away." (I am spelling those words the way they're spelled in the lyrics to Supermodel, but I'm sure there's some proper French dance term spelling with accent aigus that I am unable to accomplish because I am still unfamiliar with this Mac).
As my fabulous friend Mike said last night after witnessing his first lip sync battle: "I could watch an hour of just that." ME TOO.
Every single person I have watched this show with in the last week has gotten completely addicted to it, including my straight boy roommate Aniss. Loves it.
Now, I must confess--for all the crazy fabulous campiness of this show, I think the real reason that I am TRULY in love with RuPaul's Drag Race is because for the first time in a while I have developed a celebrity crush that might only rival the days when I was singing "Happy Birthday" to my New Kids on the Block poster on the appropriate five days a year. Yes. I did. Anyway!
I am in love, and I am in love with Nina Flowers. If Nina doesn't win this whole thing, it will be a bigger pile of bullshit than Saleisha winning Top Model just because she was all up in Tyra's T-Zone.
Nina Flowers is so fucking fierce. She's got this crazy androgynous punk rock glam look going on, but she can also turn around and be totally vintage or retro looking. She is from Puerto Rico and has an adorable accent, and is totally sassy but not a bitch. She's a makeup artist in real life, and it shows.
The other thing that I love about her is that I am totally endeared to her when she ISN'T in drag too. And this is where it gets crazy--and proves her talent as a queen, I think--because in person and out of drag, Miss Nina is a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He looks like someone who would punch you at a German rave, and he is totally hot. Then he turns into the most glittering bird of fierceness on stage! I am totally sexually attracted to both sides of Nina, and it is causing me lesbian confusion. And I kind of love it.
Best of all, I totally friended Miss Nina on myspace, and wrote her a long gushy message about how fabulous she is, and she totally wrote back to me the next day! She is such a darling and I love her. She's also blogging about each of the episodes on her myspace blog, and her inside scoop is totally cute and sweet!
Seriously, watch the show. You won't believe it.
NINAAAAA!!!!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
One of you will be America's. Next. Top.....Model
Here we go again, bitches!!! Who's excited? I am more excited than Tyra at a potato chip factory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
