Thursday, April 23, 2009

Rita Hayworth gave good face

But Allison does not, despite what the judges might believe (or pretend to believe so as to continue on the already-decided weeks ago arc of who exactly will be in the top 3 according to Tyra's master plan).

Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.

In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:

1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!


2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.

3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)

4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?

5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.

6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.

That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.

Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.

Post-makeover Allison:


Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:


And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.