Oh, my fierce ones. Your Weaveologist Spontaniouse is utterly exhausted. A dinner party at my pal Jessica's last night turned into an all-night 90's dance party. It's amazing how many songs you can remember loving in middle school and high school once you get going. I have a renewed love for the Gin Blossoms, and not just because they are a staple of the Empire Records soundtrack. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!
Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.
Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.
She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.
Ahhh, Cycle 5. Probably one of my top two favorite seasons of ANTM, thanks to hot Kim Stolz (more on her later), the overseas trip to one of my top two favorite cities, London, and certainly thanks to the presence of one of the show's top few endearingly crazy contestants: the infinitely quotable, consistently drunk Lisa.*** Jade may have informed us that elephants are part of the dinosaur family, but did she ever pee in a diaper on TV or have a conversation with a plant? No, she did not.
So what has Lisa been up to? She did show up on a later cycle of ANTM to give the girls some posing advice, and I have seen some decent print work that she did for some fairly reputable clothing line, but that is not the point of these segments, is it? Ladies, gentlemen, and those in between, I give you the "Ace of Spades":
Obviously, this video is totally shitty, the song itself sucks, Lisa can't really rap, and her looks have always been a love/hate situation for people. Personally, I don't think she's ugly, and I like me some itty bitty titties, so I can appreciate what Lisa's got going on, even in a leopard print bikini with pink ruffled trim. But what really made me like Lisa in Cycle 5 (even when she was being annoying) is that she was funny and that she didn't take herself too seriously. (Plus, winos have to stick together).
And therein lies the point of this video I think...The comments on youtube were written mostly by haters slamming the video, but to them I say that it's supposed to be funny. I don't think Lisa has any illusions that she's going to be the next Missy Elliot, talent-wise or career-wise. Girl's just having fun! Relax! Take a break! Eat a cookie!
Or am I wrong? Is Lisa really making a serious attempt at a music career here? Like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. Thoughts, fierce readers?
***And NO thanks to Nicole, one of the show's lamest winners EVER (second only to rigged-as-a-ship Saleisha, whose suckiness is beyond comprehensible levels, and stupid token "fatty" Whitney, also a ringer). Gorgeous, gorgeous Nik should have won, not stupid Nicole with her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice and picket fence teeth. Yeah, she was pretty and all and took good pictures, but blahhhhh. Plus I think Nik was secretly a lesbian, and I always root for the lady lovin' ladies! (Okay, except for dumb "bisexual" Michelle from Cycle 4, she of the horrible roots and midnight confessions who is married to a dude and has a baby now. Not that there's anything wrong with that--I was just always annoyed by her. Though she does bring back memories. Where have the days of flesh-eating bacteria gone?)
Okay. I had not even planned on including any of the girls from this Cycle in the YWSMA segments, but I just discovered Brittany's famous "I was the first black girl on a cover in Las Vegas" credential. Technically this doesn't count for YWSMA because it's work she did BEFORE going on ANTM, but I am hoping this is a sign of great things to come for Brittany (and consequently, the Weave). It is so awesome, I can scarcely contain myself.
I can't decide which part of this cover is my favorite. The sensuously steaming ear of corn? The declaration that "THE KIDS DIG RON PAUL!" (Oh god. So frightening).
This also totally looks like the type of magazine that you can get for free in sidewalk dispensers.
But really, the piece de resistance has to be "VISITING THE HOOTERS OF COFFEE SHOPS!" What's got two thumbs and and loves a fine honking pair with her chai tea latte? :::points to self with thumbs, get it?::: THIS GIRL!!
Hey, Brittany should let Sheena know where that place is so she can put those fake tits to good use after her modeling career fails. Even (or perhaps, especially) if she wins ANTM. Which she might, by the way. Even though there can only be ONE Kimora Lee Simmons. Yes, Tyra. Let us not oversaturate the market with working Asian cover girls.
Just to lighten up on all the politics I can't help dragging into the Weave, I'd like to introduce a segment I call You WILL See Me Again! Famous last words from axed ANTM contestants who, despite this declaration, do not become famous themselves. Though to be fair, we do see them again...on ANTM marathons. Hi girls!
Though a few contestants have made decent careers for themselves (Cycle 5's hot lesbian Kim on MTV, Cycle 1's Elyse in Japan, Cycle 2's Yoanna on various TV gigs) most of these girls fade into obscurity faster than you can say "I only have one photo in my hands."**
Or, like the star of today's You WILL See Me Again!, Cycle 6 runner up Joanie Dodds, you model wigs. For Midwestern church ladies, apparently. I really hope she got paid for this, however paltry a sum it might have been. Hey, at least she gave up cage dancing! Papa, don't preach.
**I mean, faster than it takes a normal person to say that. As opposed to: "I. Only...have...ONE. PHO-to. In...my...hands."
