This woman has an Emmy

Seriously? I just...wow. Spontaniouse is speechless for once.

Holy Naima, where have I been??

Okay, fierce readers. Spontaniouse must apologize for the unintended neglect of the Weave (and missing an ENTIRE CYCLE!!) but the end of grad school kept me from doing any smizing for a while, let alone any writing that was not thesis-related...Aside from time restraints, I actually did not even get to watch the shortie cycle at all because I did not have a TV in my new apartment! However, there is still a LOT of ANTM material that I have yet to cover, and I'm sure Tyra must be brewing up a new cycle somewhere especially now that the Tyra Banks Show, that cultural touchstone of fat suits, Vaseline and on-air toilet training, is going off the air.

Anyway, I'd like to thank some faithful readers for inspiring me to sharpen up my Lee Press-On Nails again and get back to it. First of all, Jesa, to whom Spontaniouse owes an apology--let's get back in touch! And thank you especially to a new Weavologist, a Ms. Hoolahay (YES!) who found the blog for obvious name-related reasons. She emailed me with words kind enough to make even Janice Dickinson weep, as well as the latest and greatest addition to the Church of ANTM, the "Hail Tyra" as we will now call it:

From Ms. Hoolahay:

i just found your blog after trying to find the bitches that stole the correct spelling of my Gmail name.

anywho, keep it up. your blog is funnier than televisionwithoutpity. please come back post-midget cycle.

WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU!

i always like to leave in prayer:

hail tyra
full of fierce
wardrobe is with thee
blessed art thou among models
and blessed is thy show, antm.
holy tyra
mother of the fashion related reality show,
pray for us modelettes now
and at the hour of makeover.
amen.

"Anonymous is a better Tyra Banks than Tyra Banks."

HA! This is a weird yet funny tribute to Allison, everyone's favorite goth Bratz doll. She actually has an interesting history. Check out the fourfour blog too for some awesome new videos starring Allison and a fierce cat.

Also, I love how in the clip of Allison before the judging panel for the first time at semi-finals, Tyra manages to finally prove once and for all that her experience always holds more weight than anything any other aspiring model in the world could possibly go through, including a fixation with blood. Allison WANTS a nosebleed, but Tyra used to "get them ALL the time as a child." Of course you did, Tyra. If you check out the childhood photos on the official Tyra Banks website, you can also see that she had the worst case of chicken pox ever known to humankind. Nobody has ever been more itchy than Tyra Banks. And she ABSOLUTELY had a nose job. I've talked about this before. I can't help it.

MY HERO

"(202): I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar."

Textual healing

If you need to waste even more time on the Internets, check out my new favorite website:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com

It's exactly what it sounds like--people send in the ridiculous texts they've sent or received, usually while under the influence. I have to include this one, which is not the funniest one I've read by a long shot, but is totally appropriate, obviously. Way to go, Coney Island!

(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

You WILL See Me Again: Robin, Cycle 1

Oh, my fierce ones. Your Weaveologist Spontaniouse is utterly exhausted. A dinner party at my pal Jessica's last night turned into an all-night 90's dance party. It's amazing how many songs you can remember loving in middle school and high school once you get going. I have a renewed love for the Gin Blossoms, and not just because they are a staple of the Empire Records soundtrack. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!

Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.

Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.









She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.

You should only feel the Novocaine in your lips

All I have to say for right now is: Teyona, you are no Bebe Zahara Benet.

I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.

http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/338274/part-6-of-ep-5-rupauls-drag-race.jhtml?id=1604030

Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.