Beer In My Weave

This woman has an Emmy

2010-05-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously? I just...wow. Spontaniouse is speechless for once.

Holy Naima, where have I been??

2010-01-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, fierce readers. Spontaniouse must apologize for the unintended neglect of the Weave (and missing an ENTIRE CYCLE!!) but the end of grad school kept me from doing any smizing for a while, let alone any writing that was not thesis-related...Aside from time restraints, I actually did not even get to watch the shortie cycle at all because I did not have a TV in my new apartment! However, there is still a LOT of ANTM material that I have yet to cover, and I'm sure Tyra must be brewing up a new cycle somewhere especially now that the Tyra Banks Show, that cultural touchstone of fat suits, Vaseline and on-air toilet training, is going off the air.

Anyway, I'd like to thank some faithful readers for inspiring me to sharpen up my Lee Press-On Nails again and get back to it. First of all, Jesa, to whom Spontaniouse owes an apology--let's get back in touch! And thank you especially to a new Weavologist, a Ms. Hoolahay (YES!) who found the blog for obvious name-related reasons. She emailed me with words kind enough to make even Janice Dickinson weep, as well as the latest and greatest addition to the Church of ANTM, the "Hail Tyra" as we will now call it:

From Ms. Hoolahay:

i just found your blog after trying to find the bitches that stole the correct spelling of my Gmail name.

anywho, keep it up. your blog is funnier than televisionwithoutpity. please come back post-midget cycle.

WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! HOW DARE YOU!

i always like to leave in prayer:

hail tyra
full of fierce
wardrobe is with thee
blessed art thou among models
and blessed is thy show, antm.
holy tyra
mother of the fashion related reality show,
pray for us modelettes now
and at the hour of makeover.
amen.

"Anonymous is a better Tyra Banks than Tyra Banks."

2009-06-18T21:39:00.001-07:00

HA! This is a weird yet funny tribute to Allison, everyone's favorite goth Bratz doll. She actually has an interesting history. Check out the fourfour blog too for some awesome new videos starring Allison and a fierce cat.

Also, I love how in the clip of Allison before the judging panel for the first time at semi-finals, Tyra manages to finally prove once and for all that her experience always holds more weight than anything any other aspiring model in the world could possibly go through, including a fixation with blood. Allison WANTS a nosebleed, but Tyra used to "get them ALL the time as a child." Of course you did, Tyra. If you check out the childhood photos on the official Tyra Banks website, you can also see that she had the worst case of chicken pox ever known to humankind. Nobody has ever been more itchy than Tyra Banks. And she ABSOLUTELY had a nose job. I've talked about this before. I can't help it.

MY HERO

2009-06-11T08:27:00.001-07:00

"(202): I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar."

Textual healing

2009-06-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

If you need to waste even more time on the Internets, check out my new favorite website:

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com

It's exactly what it sounds like--people send in the ridiculous texts they've sent or received, usually while under the influence. I have to include this one, which is not the funniest one I've read by a long shot, but is totally appropriate, obviously. Way to go, Coney Island!

(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

You WILL See Me Again: Robin, Cycle 1

2009-06-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, my fierce ones. Your Weaveologist Spontaniouse is utterly exhausted. A dinner party at my pal Jessica's last night turned into an all-night 90's dance party. It's amazing how many songs you can remember loving in middle school and high school once you get going. I have a renewed love for the Gin Blossoms, and not just because they are a staple of the Empire Records soundtrack. Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!

Fortunately, the following pictures of ANTM's first Bible-thumping diva pretty much speak for themselves and for Miss Robin's meteoric career post-ANTM. Remember, "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!" Funny how she refused to do the nude pictures but she still let Tyra's minions give her a bikini wax. I guess Jesus doesn't have a problem with a clean landing strip as long as nobody's actually using the runway. I wonder if she's married yet, otherwise she's got to be like a 43-year old virgin by now. Funny how in Cycle One the biggest and oldest girl managed to make it to the top four. Tyra hadn't quite yet figured out how to be the bedazzled puppet master she is today.

Let's praise the Lord for Robin and her gravity-defying hats, which certainly aren't falling for anything either. And in case you were wondering, yes, she is modeling church hats.

She and Re-Re need to get together to sing some hymns of praise for the magic of bows.

You should only feel the Novocaine in your lips

2009-05-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

All I have to say for right now is: Teyona, you are no Bebe Zahara Benet.

I'm having embedding problems at the moment (Logo's fault!) Go to the website and start watching this at the 1:55 mark and prepare to have your mind blown.

http://www.logoonline.com/video/misc/338274/part-6-of-ep-5-rupauls-drag-race.jhtml?id=1604030

Also, I've done a turnaround on Allison. I've been kind of loving her weirdness for the last few weeks. Though I still believe that her expressions didn't change much. She was way more interesting and beautiful than Te-YAWN-a! Oh snap.

Rita Hayworth gave good face

2009-04-23T14:28:00.000-07:00

But Allison does not, despite what the judges might believe (or pretend to believe so as to continue on the already-decided weeks ago arc of who exactly will be in the top 3 according to Tyra's master plan).

Spontaniouse can't wait to graduate from her Master's program because then she will have all the time in the world to watch the forthcoming marathons of this boring cycle and catch the Weave up as you, O fierce and patient readers, deserve.

In the meantime, however, a few thoughts as we stomp our way toward the finale:

1. Teyona and her six-head are both busted. I never thought I would see a forehead that could do simultaneous battle with Tyra Banks, Helen Hunt and James van der Beek all at once and emerge gleaming with victorious sweat, but Teyona's could do it. And her pictures are unremarkable. Yet for some reason the judges keep licking her ass. This kind of inexplicable praise despite all the evidence before our eyes fills me with foreboding. Like Shitleisha before her, she might win it. Fuck knows why. At the very least, she could be in the top three. And while her face looked pretty good in this week's picture, at first glance her arms look amputated, which is usually one of the judges' favorite things to criticize, but again--inexplicable praise. Or maybe Nigel's eyes were too blinded by his shirt to note the finer details. Seriously, there was a no arms treaty on this one. Oh snap!

2. Smell ya later, Natalie! Have fun being wicked sexy in your normal community. P.S. You're more stuck up than a butt plug in Chelsea on a Saturday night and you're dumber than fucking Miss "Opposite Marriage" California if you think a winning strategy is to tell Tyra that she's mistaken in her judgment of you because Mr. Jay Manuel actually thinks you're perfect. Peace out, eyebrows.

3. Michael Celia continues to do pretty well, although her face has just never quite hit it for me in...a....PHO-to, as Ty-Ty would say. Still, the fab personal style remains, despite the Roxie Hart-on-crack hair she was rocking this week. She might do well in the go-sees because of her style, but I'm willing to bet she could get the boot for being too old, either in the number 4 slot or during the finals. She and Jade can go write some floetry about what it's like to be a model and almost 30. (Actually, Jade probably really IS 30 by now. Yikes!)

4. Aminat. Big pile of whatever. She looked fierce with her original Afro, and I wanted her to be my sass machine for the season, but no. And has anyone else noticed that she looks like a dragalicious Mos Def?

5. Fo, you continue to haunt my lesbian dreams with your freckles, and thank god you haven't pulled a Jaeda and complained incessantly about your haircut this whole time, but...I don't know. I think maybe the problem is that ALL the girls are totally boring this cycle, even the one with whom I would like to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert.

6. And finally, our Goth Bratz doll, Allison. My hate for her has subsided and now I'm just kind of entertained by her weirdness, but SERIOUSLY?? What the HAY-ELL was going on with the excessive praise for her finally using her face differently? Ummmm...she got more praise for last night's photo than the one last week, in which she actually DID force an expression onto her face. And yet the criticism she's been getting week after week for never varying her expression was trounced by her choice to...tilt her chin? The only plausible explanation for all of this is that Tyra is setting her up to be in the top 3, and so must try to convince us that she's progressing.

That leaves the top 3 PROBABLY as Allison, Teyona and I hope, Fo. Michael Celia and Fo are going to be the wild cards I think, which is unfortunate because they both deserve to be there super way more than Teyona, and still more than Allison, but it seems like Forehead and Eyeballs are the shoo-ins based on the judges' nonsensical love for them. Then again, it's all hard to say because we never see these bitches walk down a runway EVER anymore. The go-sees will be interesting.

Let us compare some Allison pictures, because this week's judging really burned my ass. And I feel really inspired to try to be a model in spite of it. Thanks, Tahlia! You and your muffin top have changed my life.

Post-makeover Allison:

Color jizz Allison a few weeks later:

And after weeks of complaining that she only gives this same face (beaver teeth or no beaver teeth being the only difference I can see) suddenly the judges are THRILLED because she's given them...this? Awesome. She turned her neck. I hate this show.

SUPER bad

2009-03-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

Kids, I'm slightly drunk and listening to Missy Elliot. And I can't apologize enough for being behind in the Weave. Stupid grad school. I actually sat down last week with my laptop, fully prepared to take notes on last week's episode, and then my piece of shit TV did not want to present Channel 11 to me. Fuck! Normally I watch ANTM at my friend Mary's on her fancy cable instead of on our questionable saved-from-the-garbage television. Foiled!

Anyway, our dear but frequently absent Wholahay and I watched a Season 1 marathon on Saturday (so awesome for so many reasons) and 1. Rediscovered our love for stoner Adrienne and 2. Rediscovered our love for smart Elyse's bitchy testimonials but 3. Mostly discovered our love for Adrienne and Elyse's apparent lesbian affair which included jumping all over each other in tiny bathrobes and at one point, almost definitely making out. Hot. Also, does everyone know that Elyse's boyfriend-at-the-time who appeared on the show is a dude from The Shins? Yup. And apparently they got into some domestic altercation in Japan at some point (where Elyse is actually a real and very successful model) but mostly I don't care. I just like watching Elyse being infuriated at how stupid the other girls are and cheer for her invention of terms like "shit slice." That may not be an official medical term, but it should be.

Anyway, I shouldn't be loving all up on Cycle 1 when we've got a Cycle 12 to discuss. Speaking of shit slices, holy fucking crap. Cycle 12. I remember when I was young and fresh out of college and became aware that my housemates were watching something called America's Next Top Model and that was round about Cycle 3. God, I feel old. But not as old as Michael Celia. Or Jade. She was almost 30 like 6 seasons ago.

Speaking of Michael Celia...yikes. Scratch all my predictions that she might make it for a while. Unless Tyra has some sort of redemption arc set up for her, but....oh dear. She totes shot herself in the foot big time this week. Really, the biggest question of my life now and forever will not be What happens to us when we die? or What would Tyra look like now with her original nose? but...have these bitches never seen the show before? Do NOT ever imply that the judging is wrong (even though it frequently is) and most of of all, never imply that Tyra is anything but Jesus in a weave and that being on a shitty reality show that won't get you a a career at all is anything but the greatest experience of your life, and MOSTLY: Do not give Tyra any fuel to feed her self righteous fire. Like accusing another model of not wanting to be there. Even though that is Tyra's favorite reason for kicking off contestants. ESPECIALLY when it's Tyra's favorite reason for kicking contestants off. Michael Celia, you totally just ruined the episode arc that Tyra had planned for three episodes from now, when Tahlia had supposedly "lost her spirit" and "didn't seem like she really wanted to be there anymore" when REALLY she is "plus size and we're not talking about it" and "kind of looks like an interviewee on Law & Order and that's it" and oh yeah, a BURN VICTIM, which I'm sorry--beauty is everywhere, and Tahlia should NOT be ashamed of her scars, but I really don't know where this supposed aspect of the industry exists that Tyra thinks will "hire her BECAUSE of her scars." I mean, maybe for one particular campaign or something, but Ty-Ty, let's be realistic. Oh wait. Don't get me wrong--if some super gorgeous girl had a scar, she could probably forge out a career regardless (Hello, Padma Lakshi) but Tahlia at best looks like an attractive kindergarten teacher. Not gonna happen. I feel ya, Michael Celia, but you are now officially 25 years old and on Tyra's shit list. See you during the marathons.

Again, I wish I had time to go into more details about this ridiculously bullshit season, but again all I have to say is: Allison sucks. She looks like an Edward Gorey nightmare, and not in a good way.

For Fierce Eyes Only

2009-03-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

That is totally the new banner on my cell phone.

Anyway! Sorry again that the Weave is behind, fierce readers...Sadly, sometimes grad school gets in the way of my unfortunate aiding and abetting of Tyra's plans for world domination. I will try to catch up, because as always, there have been so many shiny golden gems of campy absurdity in the last three weeks of Cycle 12 that it will be very difficult to include them all given the limited time I have for the Weave right now. However, let's break it down a bit, shall we?

The Bitches:

No, I don't just mean Tyra and the Jays! Let's talk about the new "models", surely the sorriest crop of wannabes we've seen so far, and that's saying something. It's been pretty obvious that Tyra's been scraping the bottom of the bucket (no, not the KFC bucket, the MODEL bucket) for quite some time, but Holy Furonda, this is a rough crowd.

Let's start with the ones I like:

....Um, that pretty much includes only Fo. And much like Miss Jay's questionable behavior with Aminat's ragged weave remnants, Fo's makeover behavior puts her on shaky ground as far as Spontaniouse is concerned. I was loving her cute "Blaxican" (as she calls herself) freckly little face, and when the makeovers began I prayed to the great diva in the sky that she would get a short haircut because I love me some cutie tooty androgynous freckly models. (Jenny Shimizu, call me).

Sighhhhh. Then she had to go turn into the girl I HATE the MOST at every makeover: The Crying Girl. Not just the crying girl, but the seriously unjustified crying girl. First of all: Ladies, have you NEVER seen this show before? How can they not be aware that getting their hair chopped off is a very real possibility going into this show? And secondly, if you were actually REAL models (har har) you would have to be cropped, waxed and painted within an inch of your life every fucking time you had a job. I know I bitched about this recently in my post about Season 2, but seriously, it bothers me me more than the glow of Mr. Jay's orange skin bothers the eye.

Even in the cases when it's justified (yes, Cassandra was an annoying quitter, but they really did hack her hair into some sex-deprived PTA mom closeted lesbian mess), GET OVER IT! And Fo looks HOTTT! Honestly, Tyra says this all the time and she's usually talking out of her BIG FAT ASS (kiss it, America!) but in this case, the cut really does give Fo an edge. FO REAL!

I can only hope that she'll get over it and not be the Jaeda of this season, and fucking bitch and moan about it at every opportunity FO EVER. (Really, the name puns are going to be hard to stop.) She' s a ho...FO sho'....Hahaha. okay, just had to get that one out, at least.

To be fair, I kind of do like Celia, but only because she genuinely seems sweet and nice. The short haircut was an improvement to her weird face. I can't put a finger on exactly what doesn't work for me about her visage, but what I do know is that she looks exactly like Michael Cera's developmentally challenged older sister. So henceforth, she will be known as Michael Celia. Still, the weird face thing MIGHT work for her, if only she knew how to work it, like the actual working models who look good on the runway or in photos but in real life are actually awkward and strange-looking. Somehow I doubt that she'll pull it off, but I think she'll luck into a few good shots. She would maybe even make it to the finale if she weren't so nice. Certainly there are plenty of other ugly bitches this round who deserve to go home long before she does.

Ughhhh...that's all for now. Except that I hate creepy-eyed Allison. Blah.

GIRLS GONE WILD!!

2009-03-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

This happened over the weekend, so it might be old news to some of you, fierce readers, but check out the calamity that occurred on Saturday at the New York audition for the next crop of bitches! Did Bianca show up to lead a rumble? Or are the shorties just extra desperate? Either way, this bodes well for a new season that is less boring than the new one already is.

Either way, it was only a matter of time before Tyra inspired a bloodbath:

Also, my apologies to you, fierce readers, for being so behind with the Weavecaps so far. I'm in my last semester of grad school, and for once I must prioritize my own life's work over Tyra's. But some intense writing is about to begin, which means some intense procrastinating will be in order too.

"Gentlemen, start your engines...And may the best woman win!"

2009-03-09T09:23:00.001-07:00

Now, ladies. I know that we have an entire new cycle of ANTM to ridicule, and that Ms. Spontaniouse needs to get crackin'! (Rumor has it that the elusive Wholahay might even be contributing to the Weave again during this new rotation of crazies, sob stories and smiling with your eyes.) I would include "epileptics" in that list, but sadly, our token "disordered" model has already been sent on her way to the great photo shoot in the sky, a place where there is only soft glow and no strobe lights.

But before we get to any of that, fierce readers, you must first learn about a show that I believe has actually superseded Top Model in gayness, fierceness and sparkles. I am serious. Spontaniouse has finally taken another lover, and that lover is RuPaul's Drag Race.

I had kind of heard of the show and was kind of skeptical, but last weekend changed all that. I went to Philadelphia for the weekend to celebrate my fierce friend Patria's birthday, and after a night of bar dancing and a day of historical sightseeing nerdery, by the time dinner time rolled around, we needed a break to rest before hitting the town again. The friend we were staying with recommended Miss Ru's show, and from the second it began we were hooked like crack whores. We watched four episodes in a row and moaned when none were left.

Let me try to explain: This is the perfect storm of a reality show. It's like a delicious swirly combination of America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance. (Which are my all-time top three reality shows, just so you know). Each week, the ladies have different challenges: photo shoots, making their own outfits, dance performances, etc. While they're working on their various projects, RuPaul will come in to see how they're doing, much like the esteemed and beloved Miss Tim Gunn. Ru even dresses a bit like La Gunn in these segments, in a fab suit & glasses. He chats with each of the girls, asks them some questions and gives a little bit of advice (but not as explicitly as Tim Gunn) and then gives them a little group pep talk, ending with the inspirational command--no, not "Make it work!"--but "Don't fuck it up!" I give Miss Ru triple snaps for being to the point!

Then we take it to the judges' panel. Our panel is headed up by Miss Ru (in full drag regalia now, of course--girl has to make a serious entrance) and some random fashion people I don't really care about, except for the occasional appearance of Bob Mackie AND permanent judge...Santino, of Project Runway (and Tim Gunn impression) fame! Santino is TOTALLY weird and supposedly bisexual according to his crazy website, but I heart the P.Way and it's funny to have him there. He actually has some pretty sound opinions. Anyway! We get the magical pleasure of a full-on drag runway show, and then the ladies are judged on their challenges. One winner is announced, and then Ru informs the bottom two that the time has come for them to "LIP SYNC FOR YOUR LIFE!!"

Oh yes. Then a dueling lip sync battle ensues, to various fabulous gay anthems, including (of course) "Supermodel (You Better Work)" by Miss Ru herself, and joy of joys, "The Greatest Love of All" by Miss Whitney "Hell to the no!" Houston. RuPaul then decides who will "Chantey...you stay" and who will "Sashay...away." (I am spelling those words the way they're spelled in the lyrics to Supermodel, but I'm sure there's some proper French dance term spelling with accent aigus that I am unable to accomplish because I am still unfamiliar with this Mac).

As my fabulous friend Mike said last night after witnessing his first lip sync battle: "I could watch an hour of just that." ME TOO.

Every single person I have watched this show with in the last week has gotten completely addicted to it, including my straight boy roommate Aniss. Loves it.

Now, I must confess--for all the crazy fabulous campiness of this show, I think the real reason that I am TRULY in love with RuPaul's Drag Race is because for the first time in a while I have developed a celebrity crush that might only rival the days when I was singing "Happy Birthday" to my New Kids on the Block poster on the appropriate five days a year. Yes. I did. Anyway!

I am in love, and I am in love with Nina Flowers. If Nina doesn't win this whole thing, it will be a bigger pile of bullshit than Saleisha winning Top Model just because she was all up in Tyra's T-Zone.

Nina Flowers is so fucking fierce. She's got this crazy androgynous punk rock glam look going on, but she can also turn around and be totally vintage or retro looking. She is from Puerto Rico and has an adorable accent, and is totally sassy but not a bitch. She's a makeup artist in real life, and it shows.

The other thing that I love about her is that I am totally endeared to her when she ISN'T in drag too. And this is where it gets crazy--and proves her talent as a queen, I think--because in person and out of drag, Miss Nina is a dude with a shaved head and tattoo sleeves. He looks like someone who would punch you at a German rave, and he is totally hot. Then he turns into the most glittering bird of fierceness on stage! I am totally sexually attracted to both sides of Nina, and it is causing me lesbian confusion. And I kind of love it.

Best of all, I totally friended Miss Nina on myspace, and wrote her a long gushy message about how fabulous she is, and she totally wrote back to me the next day! She is such a darling and I love her. She's also blogging about each of the episodes on her myspace blog, and her inside scoop is totally cute and sweet!

Seriously, watch the show. You won't believe it.

NINAAAAA!!!!

One of you will be America's. Next. Top.....Model

2009-03-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

Here we go again, bitches!!! Who's excited? I am more excited than Tyra at a potato chip factory.

More gratuitous Yoanna

2009-02-25T20:57:00.001-08:00

One our favorite Weaveologists, beliefunwrought, mentioned the gorgeous Yoanna's awesome helmet pic. I once wore a bike helmet in a Christmas card photo with my friends that I lived with the year after I graduated from college. Long story. Anyway, here's the fabulous Yoanna! Her face is flawless.

Cycle Deux: YOU HAD SEX?!?!

2009-02-24T18:30:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'm watching Obama's address to Congress right now, and I'm wondering how many standing O's Nancy Pelosi can actually start. I'd also really love somebody to do a slow clap.

Ha! Somebody totally just tried to start some applause, but it quickly died out in embarrassment. Don't you kind of hate when that happens, like during a play, after a sad musical number or devastating scene? And you can just READ THE FUCKING mind of the audience, because you've become a symbiotic being, all thinking: Do we clap? Do we...clap...clap...uhhh, no. I always imagine the embarrassment of the few people who actually clapped, how they stop clapping as quickly as possible and then look around furtively to see if anyone noticed them clapping.

Okay, my roommate wants to switch over to Desperate Housewives, which is one crappy show I never actually got into, so let us continue to the crappy show that I absolutely am far too into: Nah nah nah nah nah...

"I absolutely refuse to wear heels!...But I would like to be a little taller."

Ahhh...had anyone else forgotten about the nonsensical joys of Season 2's Jenaschia?

I had also forgotten about the shining comic gem that is Xiomara and her crazy eyes. I wish I could show you the still frame that my fierce friends Lauronda and Mike and I were howling over, after Mike managed to pause the show at the exact right moment after the fifth try: "Wait! Wait! I have it this time!" This moment is hard to adequately explain with words alone. Back in the days of panel challenges, the Season 2 girls had to walk down the runway at judging for Miss J. and of course, Tyra and the other forgettable gay judge, plus the awful/useless Nole Marin and the always handsome/skeevy Nigel Barker. Xiomara was a tall girl with kind of a muscular frame, and crazy eyes that made her look like she was about to transform into a werewolf or perhaps rip off her face to reveal the alien creature within. She walks down the runway with her crazy eyes glaring like twin moons of death, stops and poses at the end of the runway, and then does this weird double head bob while her eyes flicker back and forth like an insect, and then finally stop when she is glaring out of the side of her eyes at the judges. We finally managed to pause the screen on this exact moment, and I tell you, fierce readers: Ms. Tyra never had eyes so crazy. And that is saying something.

(Mike also invented this scary throaty monster voice for Xiomara's inner alien. She mostly just said: "ELIMINATED.")

I couldn't find a picture that did the crazy eyes justice, but you can kind of see them in there. Waiting. Okay, I'll stop now because this is clearly going to be funny pretty much only to me, Mike and Lauronda.

Moving on: Season 2! Infamous for the "YOU HAD SEX?!?" incident and one of the original great ANTM bitches: Camille, self described "Miss Jamaica...1st runner up" and a woman who is "maybe just a bit more educated than some of these other girls." Oh, Camille. That is your signature walk, and that is the walk that's going to make you famous. Bitch Avenue, that is! Oh snap!

I loved how Camille thought she was all classy, but let's examine this picture, shall we? What's awesomer? Her Fraggle hair, the visible deodorant in her armpit, or the sweetheart-cut denin tube top with the clothesline halter? Speaking of classy and Camille, there was this other hilarious moment when she was having a little heart-to-heart with Tyra at the house, leaning over the arm of the chair and sipping on her BLUSH wine. Give me a break, Camille, and pass the Carlo Rossi.

Let's also not forget about the first girl to be kicked off this season: Anna, the wife and mother from Georgia or somewhere down South. She got kicked off for refusing to do the semi-nude body paint shoot. While crying to some crew member about this, she explained her feelings about it. I'm going to write it out in play form so that you can get the full effect:

Anna: (through shuddering sobs) It's (gasp!) just that (gasp!) the only one who's seen me (gasp!) is my (sob) HUSBAND! And if I let everybody (gasp!) see it then (weeping, sobbing) it won't be (gasp!) special when I (sob) show it...to...HIM! (sobbing).

I like how she says "it", like she's specifically referring to her vagina, and not her nude body in the abstract. Because you know she is. Also, when confronted about her decision at panel, Nole Marin or perhaps the excellently crazy Janice Dickinson asks her if it's because she's religious. Anna replies, and again this is a direct quote, "I'm not religious. I just try to be Christlike."

You can imagine how Ms. Janice took this. Speaking of which, hollaaaa Janice!! We miss you and your plastic surgery, girl. She was looking supremely wacked out in this episode, too. She was so gorgeous back in the day!

Anyway, I never understand the girls who freak out about the nudity when they come on this show. Like, honestly? Have they never SEEN the show before? There are always photo shoots with a certain degree of nudity. How can you possibly not have known that this was a potential scenario? Also, do you seriously think you want to be an actual working model when you refuse to do nudity? It comes with the territory, ladies, at least for girls with serious careers. Like, even the girls on Project Runway who complain sometimes about feeling too naked and make the designers change things around---1. I don't get it and 2. That is proof enough of how different the fashion world is on reality T.V. vs. the actual world where Donatalla Versace would cut a bitch if some model tried to plead modesty to make them change a garment minutes before a runway show.

Right! The thing people forget about the early seasons is how much more hands-on Tyra was (or at least pretended to be) with the girls. She would show up at the house to talk to them and give sage advice, sometimes with the help of her mother, the inestimable Carol London. She'd actually give some posing lessons or give them suggestions at the actual photo shoot, like showing Xiomara the best way to crouch in front of a wall so as not to flash too much crotch while pretending to be Grace Jones. Now she's only ever at the judging (or the girls meet her at her talk show. Can you believe she's actually won some Emmys?) Or she arrives to show off her remarkable talent as a photographer. The remarkable way she points and clicks in natural light. Remember during the Whitney season when Tyra was SO SCARED to do the photo shoot because it was the FIRST TIME she hadn't shot in NATURAL LIGHT? Bitch, please! Like you set up that lighting. Just like in nature, that shit was set up for you when you got there. You just pressed the button.

Arghhhhhh. Sometimes, when I really think about how much time and energy Tyra Banks has sucked out of my life, it's actually pretty sad. I'm sad for myself. But...then the fierceness takes over again.

Still, it was good to see the show back before it had become a completely insane parody of itself. Back when the majority of the girls actually looked as though they could be models. With, of course, a few exceptions. There always have to be a few crazies/lameos/fuggos that Tyra can pick off at will while she spins the contrived weave we're meant to believe is a fair and unbiased competition. Ha. WEAVE.

Also, I think Yoanna really was the most beautiful contestant ever on the show, and the most deserving winner. Her face is just perfection. She looked so fabulous with that short haircut.

Shandi's might also be the best makeover ever accomplished on the show. Now, feelings on Shandi's beauty are divided.
She was way too skinny, totally awkward in person, and had sort of severe features in a plain face...like a lot of actual working runway models. The scary thing about her, aside from or perhaps because of how incredibly bony she was, Shandi was the one who looked the most like a real model. I say it again. Still, she really did need the old toss-out-the-hair-pull-off-the-glasses 80's teen movie makeover thing to happen. And it did!

Yoanna and Shandi were definitely my two favorites in Season 2, and are probably two of the most beautiful girls out of the whole show for me. So thank you, ANTM. Thank you.

Bitch shot a bullet in my weave!

2009-02-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

OH. MY. GOD.

This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Aside from the fact that some asshole tried to kill a woman, this is truly the greatest story ever told. Sorry, Jesus. A thousand props to my fierce friend Patria for bringing this to my attention:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090220/ap_on_fe_st/odd_bullet_hair_weave

You HAVE to watch the video. That is the best part, not only because of our fierce survivor, but because of how many times the newscasters say "weave" and for their clear confusion about just how a weave functions. They should watch more ANTM.

Also, the bullet in the corner of the video still frame looks like a metal dildo.

Best line: "I've been wearing it for years! And I've invested a lot of money into this weave, and it saved my life! It saved my life."

"Halfway Back To Sane"

2009-02-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah, well--I think we all know that our favorite undiscovered supermodel wasn't ever anywhere close to sane, let alone halfway. However, that phrase is supposed to apply to the wounded feelings of the shitty lead singer of the awful band that made this asstrocious music video, the only redeeming quality of which is that we get to see our own Jade from Cycle 6 run around in a naughty nurse's uniform in mental institution!

Seriously, everything about this video sucks. The song sucks, the singing sucks, the "acting" sucks, the production value sucks, but I think mostly the lyrics suck. I would say watch it without the sound on, because the music makes absolutely no difference in your enjoyment of watching Jade walk fiercely down a hallway pushing a wheelchair, but then again, maybe you want to actually know how craptastic this song is. Who let these people make a video??

The real crowning jewel for me though is that the singer totally looks like Joey Jeremiah in his Degrassi: The Next Generation days, who (as some of you might know) did once have musical aspirations on the show during the junior high years, but I honestly think that the pre-teen gentlemen of The Zit Remedy could have come up with better lyrics than "my hands are still raw from holding on to lost love" and "I already know the name of pain".

GROAAAAAAAN. You know that that dude thinks those words are SO DEEP. And how fucking STUPID is the band name "Telling On Trixie"? Ughhhh....Hoobastank still holds the title of Worst Band Name Ever, but these guys are giving them a run for the money.

Anyway, check out our beautiful biracial butterfly:

And in case you were wondering, fierce readers, I'm not including this video in Jade's You WILL See Me Again segment because I'm sitting on some DELICIOUS pictures of her for that.

Also, this might be old news to some of you, but Jade is actually also in the Jay-Z "Change Clothes" video, so good for her! How hilarious that she would actually be involved with a project that includes Tyra's arch-nemesis, Naomi Campbell. Sorry, Tyra--it doesn't matter how many phones Ms. Campbell throws at her assistant or how many times you mention that she fell on her ass on the runway one time, if you ask someone who THE black supermodel of the 1990's was, they're gonna say Naomi. (Psssst--she's still actually modeling, too, unlike a certain talk show host who shall remain nameless).

Jay-Z totally mentions weaves in this song! Awesome. Also, is that Kelly Ripa in the audience? Weird. And that model with the shaved head is HOT. And, oh god oh god oh god--that is SO model/actress Omahyra Mota on the runway around the 3:42 and the 3:52 mark, and I think she is basically the hottest thing that has ever lived. Okay, Spontaniouse. Calm yourself. Okay, I am calm. Jade appears right after her, starting around the 3:56 mark. Go Jade! You might not be America's Next Top Model or America's Next Top Best Friend, but you made it into a video with Hova. Nice work. Remind me again which part of the dinosaur family elephants belong to?

Sorry, the embedding is disabled for this video, but here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P1mSI0I29E

And for those of you not familiar with Degrassi, I give you Joey Jeremiah:

LAME!!

2009-02-18T14:51:00.001-08:00

Well, fierce readers, you may have already heard, but the premiere of the new cycle of ANTM has been pushed back a week, from February 25th to March 4th. The premiere will also be a special 2-hour episode. So, basically they are cramming two episodes into one and making us wait an extra week for the addiction to take over our lives again, no matter how hard we try to resist (okay, I never try to resist), no matter how many runway shows in a Goodwill parking lot we have to accept as high-fashion training or how many times Tyra uses onomatopoeia to impart almost 20 years of fashion industry wisdom to racist high school students from Alaska and cage dancers from Beaver Falls, PA.

Actually, all quips aside, the truest indication of how deep Tyra has her claws in me is that fact that I watched the entire Saleisha season and still returned for more torture after that catastrophe was finally over. It was, in the immortal words of Cher Horowitz, a total travesty.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhh.

This also means that your faithful Weavologist Spontaniouse has to wait another week to dish the dirt and her extra-informed opinion of the first runway show of the season! I got to go to the taping if you recall, but I also had to sign a confidentiality agreement that is SO CLOSE to expiring! And now I have to wait! For no good reason, I'm sure. Dammit, Ken Mok!

America's Next Top Idol

2009-02-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

All right, fierce readers. Just when you thought ANTM couldn't get any gayer, an announcement like this is made. It might be the gayest announcement about ANTM ever. And it has nothing to do with Miss J's inability to wear pants. (Or does it??)

Clay Aiken to appear on 'America's Next Top Model'

Feb 4, 2009. EW has learned exclusively that American Idol's season 2 runner-up Clay Aiken will participate in an acting challenge with the ladies -- and serve as a guest judge on the panel -- in an April episode of America's Next Top Model. Ciara will also stop by for a photo shoot that week but -- ah, who cares! Claymates set your Tivo now! The series' 12th cycle kicks off Feb. 25 on The CW.

http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2009/02/clay-aiken-to-a.html

I don't even know where to start with this one. Oh wait, yes I do. Clay Aiken looks like a lesbian leprechaun. Somebody PLEASE cut that hair and I would say do something about his eyebrows, but I suppose that would really only serve to make him look gayer, if that's possible. See, here I'm starting with my complete befuddlement over the Clay Aiken appeal in general. I'll get to the ANTM portion in a moment.

The Claymate thing! I SOOO don't get it! Young girls and middle-aged women everywhere fall all over their damn selves because of him! He does have a very nice voice and he's talented, but the crushing? If you go to the actual web page to read that article, you will notice that the fourth comment is by some woman named Flo (how appropriate) and she's gushing over how handsome he is. What? Liking his music is one thing, but where is this supposed sex appeal coming from? Could they have really had flickering hopes in their little girl (and middle-aged) hearts that one day, somehow, they'd fall in love? (I know that I imagined being Mrs. Jordan Knight more than once, but that made perfect sense. I'll be loving YOU forever, Jordan). Clay has always been more transparently gay than the ghost of Paul Lynde, which isn't to say that we ladies can't desperately crush out on gay dudes with non-traditional sex appeal (hello, Neil Patrick Harris!) but Clay Aiken...I don't get it. Did you know that his "autobiography" is called "Measure of a Man"? Well, Clay, way to make clear what's important in your life.

And he thought we wouldn't figure out the gayness until AFTER he had an inseminated baby with a 50-year old woman named Jaymes? COME. ON.

Anyway. Before you ask yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about fashion?" (Maybe middle-aged ladies like him because they're into the same kind of jeans), start asking yourselves, "What the hell does Clay Aiken know about acting?" Yes, as the article points out, Clay will be there to judge an acting challenge, which I suppose makes slightly more sense than him being involved in any other way, since he is the rare breed of gay that has absolutely no sense of the fabulous.

(Oh man, I REALLY hope that he tries to queen it up around Miss Jay and Tyra on that panel. It would be like if Anthony Michael Hall's big Breakfast Club secret was that he'd been caught with gay porn in his locker and then decided to really embrace his true self after he made some cool friends).

Here's the thing. Clay Aiken's only real acting credit to date is his starring role on Broadway in Spamalot, in which he basically just had to play himself: A dumb goofy singing white dude. For the love of Taye Diggs, surely there have to be legions of unemployed actors who actually have some kind of resume who would be willing to spend an hour filming a reality show? Was Freddie Prinze Jr. like really busy this fall?

The only explanation I can think of is that gays do revolve around Planet Tyra like glowing little moons, and there might be another layer of some unforeseen reasoning behind this that might become clear when we see the episode. If singing is involved, it could be awesome. I'd love to try to see the girls attempt to have even an iota of Broadway pizzazz. Mostly because I would then like to see what Tyra will do to show them how she could have done it better. Remember: It's not like oooh, it's like ahhhh! Do you see the difference?

T minus 20 days till the new season. Get your weaves sewn on tight, ladies. I have a feeling the ride is going to be bumpier than Furonda's skin.

The Return of the Weave

2009-01-29T11:31:00.001-08:00

Kids, the new season is on its way. Spontaniouse will be back in full force, I promise. I swear on Tyra's mama's perspiration.

I spent all day last Sunday watching the new Top Model Obsessed! Marathon of Cycle 6 on Oxygen. (Perhaps my favorite season. Beautiful biracial butterfly! Zip it, bitch! Ebony and ivory, sucka! Floetry!) What did I NOT do? Work on my Master's thesis. I mean, what's more important, really?

In the meantime, check out Cycle 10's Claire on the February 2009 cover of Parents Magazine! I happened to be looking for a magazine to buy to read on the train when I spied her. I also spotted her in a Kodak ad in People Magazine recently. I'm so proud! Claire and I were pals for a semester in college before she transferred. I always wondered what happened to her, when lo and behold, she showed up on ANTM! That's her daughter Halina on the cover with her--adorable!

Back in black!

2008-11-30T09:42:00.001-08:00

Fierce readers, I am sorry that I've been neglecting the Weave. I've been super busy with school and GRE exams and many other non-fierce obligations. I originally starting writing this Weavecap a few weeks ago in a post-holiday haze, snuggled up on the couch with my dear college roommate Margaret B. She introduced me to the guilty pleasures of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and The Hills, both at the same time. I've been scrupulously avoiding The Hills because those bitches are SO useless, but it's not like I actually have high standards when it comes to reality TV programming. Clearly. I don't think I'll ever get into The Hills, but the Kardashians might be a decent addition to the roster of things I'll watch when I'm super bored. And hungover.

Anyway!! I can't talk about other shows for too long or I fear that Tyra Banks will turn herself into a murder of crows that will fly through the darkening skies to my fierce lair and claw at my weave until I collapse, trembling before her fury. Didn't you know that she went to Paris when she was seventeen years old to learn how to smile with her eyes AND how to practice black magic?

Finale Weavecap coming soon, as well as some more installments of You WILL See Me Again to tide us over until Cycle 47 or whatever the hell it is we're on begins.

America's. Next. Top. Model. Is....

2008-11-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

.........

.................

.....................McKey!!

Hurrah!! Sorry that I have been neglecting the Weave, fierce readers. Expect a full Weavecap soon about the happy outcome of Cycle 11!!

Seriously, if fucking Samantha and her jowls had won, it would have been even bullshittier than Saleisha or Whitney winning, because at least then Tyra's transparent motives were obvious. Picking Samantha would have just been stupid here. When I was pondering the fact that Samantha MIGHT win, I imagined declaring my allegiance to the show to be through and that I'd never watch it again!! But we all know that would never happen. Damn you, Tyra Banks.

Anyway, congratulations to the Silent Thunder.

And haha, Tyra's face got cut off in that picture. Oh well! I don't know how to fix it, and nor do I want to.

It's Brittany, bitch!

2008-11-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

Also known as McKey. Because initials just don't work for Tyra Banks.

Anyway, McKey is my new superfavorite, and while I liked her weird beauty from the start, I did not pay enough attention. How could I not have noticed it before? It's like when Joey was in the fashion show to try to win scholarship money for college and sang "On My Own" from Les Miserables which totally was totally symbolic of her feelings for Dawson and then Dawson finally noticed that Joey was beautiful and that he had feelings for her and then they talked about it for like five years but never had sex. Kind of like that.

Anyway, let's review McKey's fierce photos because stupid Tyra might not let us get that far:

Okay, let's ignore the hellacious outfit. Perhaps it was a hint of the chain mail to come. But her body and face still look pretty great.

She was a bit stuck in the "boxing" pose, but her body is still posed at an interesting angle, her face looks great, and she can pull off the weird hair.

I love that shade of green on her, and the green eyeshadow looks great too. Her body doesn't look uncomfortable or awkward, which is a feat for someone hanging off of a rope ladder. And her face still looks fierce.

Makeover shot! It took a little time for the haircut to grow on me, and I could still do without the longer hair at the nape of her neck, but she can pull it off

See, the haircut is growing on me. And black hair, pale skin and piercing blue eyes is a HOT combo. Someone also commented quite rightly on the fourfour blog that McKey definitely has a Courtney Cox-Arquette thing happening. I definitely see it, but she is fiercer and more high fashion than Ms. Cox-Arquette, Bruce Springsteen video or no Bruce Springsteen video.

This shot is fine, neither here nor there for me, really. But that might be because I think it's a STUPID photo shoot idea, TYRA. Still, McKey's eyes are connecting to the camera, though her nose looks a little crooked. But I kind of like it.

Again, another totally ludicrous photo shoot idea, but I can't help it: I'm loving McKey in this one as well. For a completely STUPID concept, she still looks really great in the 60's mod look, and is managing to use her whole body on the set and still look fierce in the face.

This is one of the first shots of McKey that got a major reaction out of the judges. If I recall, some loved her face while someone might have pointed out that a losing contender for an award would have a fake smile on their face. (But then they probably would have slammed her for looking fake. Ughhh) Anyway, regardless of your interpretation of the challenge, this girl really doesn't have a bad angle on her.

Yay, one that the judges loved! Eyes, legs, face--all fierce!

And then Spontaniouse really started to fall in love. GORGEOUS. Simple, unadorned, and still gorgeous. And nothing to do with Tyra's photography.

Oh god. Oh god. Be still my heart. This is fucking HOT. This looks like a real ad. Awesome angles, hot ass, gorgeous face, and she is rocking the slicked-back hair.

Holy god, when she was getting ready for this shot and wearing that outfit, I was dying. I'm a sucker for this kind of look. It's the only thing that keeps me watching The L Word. SHAAAAAAAANE.

Oh yes, Shane. Yes, yes I do.

BUT I DIGRESS. Anyway, that is what McKey really has going for her. Androgyny is ragingly hot in editorial ads right now. (See, the early 90's are totally back!) Tyra HAS to know that. And McKey is really versatile in the kind of makeup and hair she can pull off. She can look gorgeous all across the spectrum.

I'm going to try to do a retrospective of the rest of the girls, but I might not have time. I tell you though, I looked at Anneleigh's portfolio, and all of the pictures the judges liked were TOTALLY overrated. And Samantha is just a total fucking nonentity. She had ONE good picture last week, and the rest are basically crap. JOWLS.

I do love ma petite Marjorie, but alas...she won't make it. I would love to see a McKey/Marjorie finale, but we may be stuck with the Clown Face. Predictions, fierce readers?

Also, I'm sorry that some of these pictures are getting cut off. I am too technologically stupid to know how to fix it. They're all on the official ANTM site!

Predictions!

2008-11-11T13:05:00.000-08:00

First, I just watched the preview for next week on the ANTM website, which I missed last week. Marjorie gets totally plastered!! I can't wait!!!

Now, let's talk a bit more about McKey, who I am from now on dubbing Silent Thunder. My very astute friend Patria is calling her for the winner, and the hilarious and smart Rich from fourfour also thinks that she's going to pull it off. I hope they're right! But I do not doubt Tyra Banks's capacity to disappoint me.

Now, I don't think that I was mesmerized by McKey's beauty when I watched the last episode just because I was snoop doggin' it a bit on Sunday afternoon. I've been kind of into her since the beginning, but twitchy little Marjorie with her lesbian hair has been distracting me. (Loved the trim. Loved it!) However, she has seemed kind of forgettable...I mean, I literally forgot about her in one of my posts a few weeks ago. Yet, Tyra has never called her out on that at all, despite the fact that she hasn't gotten a ton of screen time. That means either that they've been editing McKey to keep her in the background, or Tyra has once again been a complete hypocrite about how much "personality" America's. Next. Top. Model. is supposed to have.

As much as I love Marjorie's photos, there's no way that she's going to make it through the Cover Girl commercial without absolutely losing her shit. To me, that leaves McKey as the logical winner, based on photos and performance. (Not forgetting that we never see the girls walk in more than like, two episodes, because most of them suck at it.) Anyway, please note that I said LOGICAL winner. We all know that logic usually has NOTHING to do with who Tyra chooses as the winner. SALEISHA. WHITNEY.

Now, I think McKey could still have a chance. She's really different from anyone who's won in a while. The edgy girl with short hair hasn't won...well, EVER really, even though that's who I always root for. (A.J., Mollie Sue, Kim...sighhhhh). Really, the edgy short hair thing has never won: Yoanna looked gorgeous with short hair, but she was just that: gorgeous, classic--not edgy. I wouldn't put Eva in the edgy category necessarily either. McKey's body is also fierce, but not too emaciated, and with the Linda Evangelista hair, she totally looks like a classic early 90's model, which is a look that is starting to make a little comeback these days, I think. Plus now that Sheena is gone, all my predictions about the first Asian ANTM winner are out the window.

Here's what I FEAR will happen though: That poor McKey will go the way of Cycle 9's Jenna. As in, she will technically be the most beautiful, with the best pictures by far, but she will be kicked off because she is not part of Tyra's master plan to pit Shitleisha against the weakass Chantal, supposedly justifying Shitleisha's win. Which translates into: Tyra has already decided that Annaleigh Clown Face should be the winner, which means that Marjorie will get kicked off next week for being too tetchy, which leaves a final 3 of McKey, Annaleigh Clown Face and Jowls Samantha. McKey could get kicked off for supposedly not looking "Cover Girl" enough (when in reality she is just the stiffest competition) which leaves the lame-o blondes to battle it out, and Annaleigh will win and completely not deserve it. I'm worried about Clown Face. The judges have been giving her disproportionate amounts of praise, and they loved her first Cover Girl commercial. Grrrrrrr.

And we will also be forced to watch a retrospective of Anneleigh and Samantha's "portfolios" which will probably consist of the TWO pictures from last week that were sort of good. Just like Shitleisha and Chantal. Seriously, remember? Back in the day it sort of used to be a finale between two girls who had strong photos, and we would see a side-by-side comparison of their photos from almost every week. We saw two photos of those bitches. Same with Whitney. Lame!!

Also, I've been trying to think of the best way to describe Annaleigh's weird exaggerated clown face features, and for some reason I keep thinking that she looks like Biff Tannen mated with a Bratz Doll.

PLUS

EQUALS

Doesn't her head look too small for her body? Booooo. She better not win. Sighhhh. None of her photos are that impressive, either, but I can just HEAR Tyra creaming her pants all over Annaleigh's portfolio. We'll get to that later.

HOWEVER, I perused McKey's entire portfolio, and you know what, fierce readers? It's actually kind of awesome. Pretty. Fierce. Indeed. In fact, I'd go so far as to say there isn't really a bad one in the bunch, and there are a few that are actually really great. And I thought she was cool-looking when she had long red hair, and I dig her with the short black hair too. She could be a totally versatile model.

Also, isn't it weird to rememember that her real name is Brittany? Doesn't that seem completely unsuitable for her? Much like the British accent she somehow picked up in two days in Amsterdam? However, all Madonna-ish accent pretensions can be forgiven when we examine her pictures, which I will do in the next post since this one is already too long!

Go and Sees

2008-11-09T07:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, before I say anything else: McKey looked SO FUCKING HOT in that rock star white blouse and the skinny black tie. Holy hot. I love that skinny black and white early 90's rock star chic androgyny thing. Hot damn. I just watched the most recent episode and for some reason McKey just look totally gorgeous to me throughout the whole episode. Maybe that was magic chain mail she was wearing last week. Her fairy godmother gave it to her, and wearing it turns her into a beautiful elven warrior princess.

Right. Now, I must apologize to you, fierce readers, that I have been slacking on the Weavecaps lately. I've been studying like crazy for the GRE subject test in literature. Which I took yesterday and oh my god. I would rather spend three hours listening to Tyra tell me stories about when she was 17 than go through that again.

Anyway, I will try to get back to some of the finer points of last week's episode, because there were some golden moments, but I'm going to take this opportunity to talk about the go-sees episode instead!

Aside from my newfound love for McKey, Marjorie also continues to look really beautiful to me (when she is not talking). Her trim was actually an improvement and I LOVED her makeup shot. With the black and white striped dress in the black and white film and the HOT short hair and dark lips, it all looked so classic and Parisian but with a modern twist. If only she wasn't so freaking awkward and completely incapable of handling any kind of social interaction. Way to go, home schooling. Anyway, she has a lot of moments when she's posing when she just moves her face to a certain angle and she just looks really genuinely beautiful. When she talks she looks like a 14-year old boy with ADHD. I've been saying for weeks that the go-sees would be a disastrous challenge for her BUT at least she did not go the predictable way of Heather. Good thing her European heritage makes her SO controlled that she doesn't let her nerves get the better of her and end up a hot tranny mess in tears all the time. Oh wait.

Oh, ANG-Elina. Oh my god. Is it possible that I didn't notice until this moment how similar the NAMES Elina and Angelina are, let alone the faces and tattoos? That is hilarious. How much do you want to bet that Elina's real name is like Oksana or something? She totally named herself after Mrs. Pitt. Well, I knew she couldn't last much longer. Once Tyra starts really pushing the personality flaw at the judging, you know that girl is going to be out of there faster than you can mispronounce Katarzyna.

Though Elina was fading a bit for me, I still think she deserves to be thIere more than Samantha the Jowls and Annaleigh the Clown Face Cheerleader. Ughhhhhhhh. It's too much to hope that Tyra will grant my wishes and give me a Marjorie/McKey top 2. One of those blonde bitches is bound to be in the finale, and I'm betting it's Annaleigh. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Annaleigh wins this whole thing at this point. She's the most traditionally "Cover Girl" out of the girls who are left. Marjorie could look pretty and classic in a Cover Girl ad, but there's no way she can handle the spokesmodel aspect of it. And I think McKey's weird edgy face makes her the most runway ready of the girls (because real runway models are totally weird-looking) but I don't know if that will translate into the kind of Cover Girl look that the show pushes. She's too EDGY. Which is always better than being commercial until you do a Cover Girl ad and you aren't commercial enough. Even though being "commercial" is the big modeling sin. Until you try to book a Cover Girl campaign, because a majorly successful yet still pretty affordable makeup line isn't commercial at all. This doesn't even make sense when I try to write it. O Hypocrisy, thy name is Tyra and your advice about modeling.

I'm also really looking forward to fourfour's still frames of Tyra's crazy face this episode, because there were a lot of potential moments.

SUTAN WITH SHORT HAIR!! SO HOT!!

Did anyone else love Annaleigh's crestfallen look when Tyra announced at panel that McKey would have been the challenge winner if she wasn't late? Hahaha--like, Annaleigh seriously did not realize that before Tyra announced it. I'm serious, she didn't. There is not much going on in that girl's head besides missing her boyfriend and wondering what's happening on Gossip Girl.

I think if there is anything truly consistent about ANTM (yes, there actually IS something consistent about ANTM besides Tyra's continuously inflating ego and dumb girls) it's that probably at every single panel judging I have ever seen, I have either thought or yelled, "TYRA, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING???" This episode was no exception. She is TOTALLY getting fat again. And I don't know what happening with the early 90's stiff shiny material dress with the doorjamb pillow straps and the huge cum stain on her boob, but it was not NOT flattering. And I'll tell ya, I am no Kate Moss, but that was one meaty thigh Tyra had peeking out at a slimming angle from under that monstrosity.

That's all for now, fierce ones. I am battling a mountain of schoolwork bigger than Miss Jay's heels. Almost time for the finale!! Who's gonna be on top??

P.S.

2008-11-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

Also, I forgot to mention that they film the runway show TWICE. Which means that whenever you see a bitch take a major digger on the runway (or, you know, fall off the floating runway dock into the water), they kept that take on purpose. Tyra, you sneaky vindictive bastard.

Non-disclosure agreement

2008-11-05T20:57:00.000-08:00

Fierce readers, I made a promise. A promise to Tyra. I promised not to reveal any of the fierceness that I witnessed this evening, and I won't. BUT I feel no ethical qualms about telling you some of the tidbits I learned about how ANTM is made AND who I saw there.

I don't think it's wrong either to say that we saw a runway challenge--I will say nothing about the designer, the girls, or the show itself. What I learned is that every time you thought the girls were competing in a "real" runway show, you were wrong. (But we didn't really believe that anyway, did we?) The people in the audience are just regular old peeps like Spontaniouse here who somehow lucked their way into getting on the guest list, NOT any fashion industry people.*** It's a runway show filmed exclusively for ANTM. But we knew that.

Also, they film the audience cheering and applauding while crew people work the catwalk as decoy models because when the actual contestants are walking, they only film them and not the audience. So yes! This show is even faker and more edited than we thought!

The truly exciting part is that Paulina, Nigel and Mr. Jay were in the house, as well as Miss Jay working her fierce way down the runway. And yes:

1. Mr. Jay is just as orange-skinned and silver-haired in real life

2. Nigel Barker is totally hot

3. And Paulina is actually really beautiful and a lot younger-looking in real life

And that's all I think I can really say for now. Believe me, I would LOVE to share my opinion on the girls that I saw, but I believe that would violate the Tyra contract.

I don't know if you'll be able to spot me and Wholahay in the audience when the episode airs because we were about seven rows back, but maybe we'll be sparkly little spots in the crowd! What a dream come true...

***Again, major props to Wholahay for having cool friends who let us know about this.

AMERICA!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

2008-11-04T23:34:00.000-08:00

I AM TOTALLY SMILING WITH MY EYES AND EVERY OTHER PART OF ME.

FIERCE NEWS!!

2008-11-03T09:51:00.000-08:00

Hell to the yes. Wholahay's diligence as a Top Model fan has paid off, and we are going to the taping!!

This is super exciting of course, not only because we actually get to see ANTM live and in action, but because we might possibly be spotted IN an episode of American's Next Top Model!!! And it isn't the idea of being on TV that's exciting--it's being on ANTM. Let's be clear.

Thanks Wholahay!!! And to all the fierce readers who prayed to Tyra to make our wishes come true.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

2008-10-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

BOO!!

Top Model LIVE!!

2008-10-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

Oh. Mah god.

Wholahay signed us up to potentially go see a Top Model challenge being taped next week!! Readers, keep your fierce fingers crossed AND triple snapping that we actually get to go!!

Also, you heard it here first: Marjorie's makeup during the window modeling challenge last night looked almost exactly like Heath Ledger's Joker makeup, minus the horrible disfiguring scars. For. Reals.

I don't have a still of Marjorie, but picture it.

Tears of a clown

2008-10-29T08:29:00.001-07:00

Spontaniouse is going insane with grad school right now. I was trying to avoid recapping last week's episode until things had settled down a bit, but as with most tests of willpower, I failed. However, this may have to be an abbreviated recap of what may very well be the most ridiculously piece of shit episode of this show ever, which is saying a lot. Could Tyra be trying ANY harder?

1. Here's my two cents on the European immigrants vs. the stupid Americans. For this one and only time, I kinda have to say I'm on Team Samantha, at least regarding the conversation in the car. Let's break it down: Elina claims that it's because of her European background that she's so controlled and can't express emotion. Samantha makes an astute point (who would have believed it?) that Elina has lived here since she was 8 and there for has had plenty of time to adapt to American culture, including how we process emotions, apparently. Elina acts as though Samantha has just asked her the most offensive and culturally insensitive question in the world. Don't worry, Samantha's best friend is black. Now, my 1,000% MORE astute friend Patria wisely pointed out that just because Elina has lived in America that long, it doesn't mean that her European parents have raised her to be expressive. I agree. However, I think then the problem arguably lies with Elina's parents, not the European culture as a whole, even the stereotypically cold and stoic Eastern Europe.

Bottom line according to Spontaniouse? Elina is making EXCUSES and building up a defense for the judges so they'll forgive her for not showing enough emotion. That's really what I find annoying. It's the same old thing. We see it every cycle: Kim, you're too masculine! Suddenly she's having a gender identity crisis. Blah, blah. Shut up, Kim. You don't know what you're talking about. It's not really the contestants' fault though. They're being forced to react to whatever arbitrary fault Tyra and the judges decide to see in them because the winner was already picked on Day 1.

2. Also, I'm not totally clear how Marjorie got involved in this. Yes, she's from France which is also in Europe, just like Russia or the Ukraine or wherever Elina is from, but....have we not seen her break down in tears, like, several times per episode? THIS episode included? Usually at the slightest hint of pressure or criticism? So...maybe Marjorie is now letting out all of the tears that her parents told her to shut up about? This is so stupid. EXCUSES. Besides, aren't the French stereotypically supposed to be overzealous romantics who will also slap your face with a glove at the slightest hint of insult? So...emotional? She should be figuring out some line of defense about how a childhood spent eating cheese and croissant turns someone into a twitchy hunchback. Ring them bells, girl.

Also, ladies: You're white and European. You're SO oppressed. Get over it.

All of this being said, Elina and Marjorie are actually my two favorites, and are way more beautiful than the rest of the girls in the house put together. Wow, imagine: A five-headed model beast!! Oh wait, that's Tyra.

3. The Aswirl Twins. Do they do anything other than be on this show? Can you really make a career out of being gay twins who know how to work a purse? (Well, maybe.) Where does Tyra find these people? It's like she has some gay metropolis completely under her control where people worship at the gay church fashion show and club kids go to die.

4. Speaking of club kids: All props and respect to James St. James and the original club kids, but come on. I really can't believe the show has stooped to putting aging bald gays in a greenscreen body suit for which to model clothes invisibly. What cutting edge technology, Tyra! It looks like an 80's music video. Hold on, let me grab my BK Knights and I'll run right over to Nony Tochterman's and buy her "avante garde" clothes.

5. Nony Tochterman. WHAT is going on there? She looks like she has on one of those clown wigs with the really long fake rubber forehead. Can that be real? Or is she from Candyland? I can't even think of an appropriately funny comparison, I am so baffled. Also, what exactly is "avante garde" about her clothes? They look like pretty basic outfits to me. Nina Garcia needs to slap some sense into that bitch. But only verbally: Nina has the power. Note: Just because you look like a crazy clown grandma does not make your striped tube dress cutting edge fashion.

6. This might be the worst fashion show the girls have ever put on, and that includes the runway show in the Goodwill Parking lot and the high school fashion show when Sarah's boobs popped out, to the delight of a hundred teen boys, and myself. Judges, get off Marjorie's ass though please: She was wearing a GREENSCREEN body suit that COVERED her head. Obviously she could not feel it that her dress slipped down, otherwise she would have picked it up. If in real life her miniscule French boobies had been exposed, she would have (probably) summoned her wits about her enough to pull up the dress. Big Nose Shoket and Crazy Clown Head Tochterman tell her that she should be able to rely on other senses besides sight to know when a dress falls down. Hmmmm...you're in a full body suit that has blocked off your entire head and face, so...sight, smell, sound, touch, taste...DENIED! Is there a sixth sense for fashion? If there is, Nony ain't got it.

All of this advice and whatever the girls are supposed to be learning here is totally negated by the fact that as professional models they would never be in this situation. Like pretty much every other situation or challenge girls face on this show.

Also, back to James St. James for a second: Why is he dressed like a fashion brontosaurus?

7. Back at the house: Sammy gets right back on my shit list for doing an offensive Asian accent. Sheena says she's not offended. O...kay? Also, Samantha has jowls.

8. The Sheena/Elina fight: Boring! Also, it rhymes.

9. Even more boring: Whitney! (Okay, my favorite Contestants Meet A Previous Winner moment: In Cycle 5, when the girls got to meet Eva, and they asked her what it's like to be America's. Next. Top. Model. Eva: Ummmm.....it's good! Oh, Eva. You tried so hard to sound convincing.)

10. The Cover Girl commercial: Wow, I guess Joslyn was actually suffering from something besides the perennial dehydration and exhaustion. Did we really have to see her ralph in the trash can though?

I guess Annaleigh did do a good job, but it's definitely advantageous if the director gives you a big closeup beauty shot.

Marjorie: Predictably twitchy deer in the headlights.

Elina: Has no soul or emotion. Because she's from Europe.

Sheena: Say more funny ghetto things! That's all I care about.

Samantha: I hate you. You have jowls. Where's Lauren Brie?

Who's left? Seriously? Oh, Joslyn.

Let's skip all the rest and go to panel. I have to say, Tyra Banks. You got me with the fake out. But only because I was convinced that you would go with "personality" over "talent" as you so often do. Plus I like Elina and her pictures, which means it's only a matter of time before you take her away from me. But I guess even you could not pretend that Joslyn's speedhead commercial was better than Elina's rather flat one, or that her big honker would look better in a Cover Girl ad than Elina's pretty face.

Also, can't you think of a better way to crush the girls' dreams than announcing the trip BEFORE elimination? Also, idiots: Have you never watched the show that you're competing on? Of COURSE one of you is still going home. Paulina didn't put on no blonde pigtail wig for nothing. She wants to see some tears.

Goddammit. I said I wouldn't do a full write up of this episode, and in truth I haven't: I could go into way more detail about the many things that made this episode ridiculous, but I should have been studying for the last hour instead of letting Tyra Banks rule my life. It's a losing battle.

A parting image: An Aswirl twin as a spinning human windmill. And does anyone else feel that Nigel Barker has given up on life? He seems so quiet and depressed during the panel. Maybe he's finally realized what his life has come to: Being groped by Tyra Banks in front of contestants who make a mockery of the industry he supposedly represents.

HA!! I totally forgot about McKey! So sad...the drag queen's honest truth is that last week I said to my friends that I like her but she's so forgettable, even within the confines of one episode...Ohhhh...sorry, McKey. You're weird-looking but I kind of like it, yet...oops.

Tonight: You know they won't be allowed to show anything explicit, but everyone keep a close watch on the girls for any behavior that seems marijuana-induced. Like, more than usual. Also, Tyra totally makes them be prostitutes.

I don't get it

2008-10-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

Ack!! I just noticed that Cycle 7's Eugena was also in the Project Runway finale! Ughhh. I never liked her either. There were way more awesome contestants during Cycle 7 (like lesbian twinny Michelle) who so deserved to make it to the top 3 more than Eugena. She was another one who I think looks like a total dude, and again--not in the good way.

Seriously, out of all the girls to be getting work! Although, Eugena and Bianca are not the two most puzzling former contestants to both last until nearly the end of the competition AND actually get some professional work despite being totally fuggo.
FURONDA.

Oh well, at least she was only in Jerrell's crappy ass line:

Hey, we DID see you again!

2008-10-26T12:45:00.000-07:00

Top Model sightings on the Project Runway finale!

I forget this girl's name and which season she auditioned, because she was only a semi-finalist and didn't make the final cut. BUT she was the girl from like, Wisconsin or wherever, who really loved her family and just cried the whole time about how she wanted to go back home and smash grapes with her feet. She gave Tyra a grape-stomping lesson in front of the panel, remember? And she was insanely skinny and had disturbing bruises and generally looked like a heroin addict and that's why they didn't let her on the show. Aaaaaaand, clearly the sad truth is that it's the insanely skinny heroin addict-looking girls who actually have a better shot of becoming working models. That is the recipe for model success. That and not making it onto ANTM. I've seen her in other ads and things before and was like, go skinny girl! You're working! Not loving the hair though. Though apparently a life stomping on grapes will aid your ability to stomp down a runway. She was in Jerrell's show so we didn't get to actually see her on the finale, but thar she blows!

Danielle!! Or Dani, as we must now call her. I love her, and she looks great. She's actually been on of the more successful ANTM winners. Her contract with Cover Girl was extended, and she was in a CG commercial with Queen Latifah. I think she was in the Project Runway finale last season too. Ebony and ivory, suckah!

Ewwww. Bianca. What a stank ho. She's such a bitch. She was in Chris March's runway show last season too. I really don't understand why she is getting work, since I still think she totally looks like a dude, and not in a good way.

One more photo of Bianca, even though I hate her, just so we can laugh at how short that dress is and how close the Bryant Park audience was to seeing her hoo-ha. That could not be pleasant.

Naima totally auditioned too but from what I can tell, she wasn't cast. Unless she was in one of the decoy shows, because I haven't watched all of them yet. Poor Naima. I always thought she was really pretty, and I dug her faux hawk, but she seriously has had the least success out of all the winners. Oh well.

Also, Jaslene was in Jillian's show on the P.Way finale last season, too! She totally got a diva cheer when she walked down the runway, looking pretty fierce I must say.

2008-10-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

Let's hear it for the boys!

2008-10-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

I think this says so much more about my life than perhaps I even want it to:

Last night I was shirking my grad school responsibilities by drinking the night away with some friends. I drunkenly decided to text some of my best gay boyfriends to ask their advice on what I should be for Halloween (my absolute favorite holiday) since so far I haven't had any fierce brainstorms on costumes.

Spontaniouse: What should I be for Halloween? I'm appealing to my gays

So far I have received the following awesome responses:

1. Tyra
2. A cheeseburger

Those two things go together like drag queens and wigs, don't they? And certainly they are two things that have given me much pleasure (and pain) in life.

I heart my gays!

Also, if you have any suggestions, fierce readers, I'd love to hear them! Or read them. You know.

You WILL see me again! Lisa, Cycle 5

2008-10-14T18:43:00.001-07:00

I love BUBBLES!!

You're my only friend, Cousin Itt.

Ahhh, Cycle 5. Probably one of my top two favorite seasons of ANTM, thanks to hot Kim Stolz (more on her later), the overseas trip to one of my top two favorite cities, London, and certainly thanks to the presence of one of the show's top few endearingly crazy contestants: the infinitely quotable, consistently drunk Lisa.*** Jade may have informed us that elephants are part of the dinosaur family, but did she ever pee in a diaper on TV or have a conversation with a plant? No, she did not.

So what has Lisa been up to? She did show up on a later cycle of ANTM to give the girls some posing advice, and I have seen some decent print work that she did for some fairly reputable clothing line, but that is not the point of these segments, is it? Ladies, gentlemen, and those in between, I give you the "Ace of Spades":

Obviously, this video is totally shitty, the song itself sucks, Lisa can't really rap, and her looks have always been a love/hate situation for people. Personally, I don't think she's ugly, and I like me some itty bitty titties, so I can appreciate what Lisa's got going on, even in a leopard print bikini with pink ruffled trim. But what really made me like Lisa in Cycle 5 (even when she was being annoying) is that she was funny and that she didn't take herself too seriously. (Plus, winos have to stick together).

And therein lies the point of this video I think...The comments on youtube were written mostly by haters slamming the video, but to them I say that it's supposed to be funny. I don't think Lisa has any illusions that she's going to be the next Missy Elliot, talent-wise or career-wise. Girl's just having fun! Relax! Take a break! Eat a cookie!

Or am I wrong? Is Lisa really making a serious attempt at a music career here? Like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know. Thoughts, fierce readers?

***And NO thanks to Nicole, one of the show's lamest winners EVER (second only to rigged-as-a-ship Saleisha, whose suckiness is beyond comprehensible levels, and stupid token "fatty" Whitney, also a ringer). Gorgeous, gorgeous Nik should have won, not stupid Nicole with her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice and picket fence teeth. Yeah, she was pretty and all and took good pictures, but blahhhhh. Plus I think Nik was secretly a lesbian, and I always root for the lady lovin' ladies! (Okay, except for dumb "bisexual" Michelle from Cycle 4, she of the horrible roots and midnight confessions who is married to a dude and has a baby now. Not that there's anything wrong with that--I was just always annoyed by her. Though she does bring back memories. Where have the days of flesh-eating bacteria gone?)

Tyra'z in the hood

2008-10-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

I believe I may have said earlier that Tyra was looking a little more normal and presentable this season, and I was bemoaning the days when she was apparently being dressed by gypsies, tramps and thieves...but then Little Black Riding Hood arrived. As is usually the case with Tyra Banks, I spoke too soon.

I just don't even know where to start (but please see fourfour and Television Without Pity for some hilarious comparisons) so all I will say for now is that the hood might simply be a secret homage to what Tyra looks like on the inside:

That's some ugly-pretty, y'all.

"Stop trying to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!"

2008-10-08T22:51:00.001-07:00

We try to keep the Weave as Top Model-related as possible, but again I defend this post by saying that Tyra started it.

So speaking again of mavericks and making fun of shithead Sarah Palin, I want to marry Tina Fey. It's all funny because it's scarily, scarily true:

FORE!!!!

2008-10-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

I wanted to put it to a vote: Who DOES have the bigger forehead, Tyra or Helen Hunt?:

But damn, Helen. I think you win!! Somebody has beat Tyra Banks at something! Someone call E!News!!

Anyway, what say you, fierce readers? If Tyra Banks has a five-head, is it possible that Helen Hunt has a six-head? Discuss.

(Though, we do know who the girl with the biggest forehead of all is. That's a seven-head if I've ever seen one.)

"J'adore her when she makes pee-pee!"

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

A few immediate observations on tonight's episode:

First, someone place a dictionary next to Tyra's plate of cheese fries tomorrow morning so she can learn the difference between "pose" and "facial expression". Miss Jay may be the expert on fierce walking, but Tyra tells the girls that she is the expert at signature poses...with her face. That is called a facial expression. So she is an expert at facial expressions. With her eyes. Or something. I'm right here, Michael! (Arrested Development? Anyone?)

From dictionary.com:

Pose. –verb (used without object)

1. to assume a particular attitude or stance, esp. with the hope of impressing others: He likes to pose as an authority on literature.
2. to present oneself insincerely: He seems to be posing in all his behavior.
3. to assume or hold a physical attitude, as for an artistic purpose: to pose for a painter.

Hmmmmm...then again, maybe Tyra IS an expert!

Speaking of Tyra's expertise, I have been wanting to post the following clip from the Tyra show for a few days now, but I'm glad I waited since the photo challenge tonight has given me the perfect opportunity for it. Once again, proof that Tyra's genius photo shoot ideas are inspired by the experiences in her life that are important to her. Marjorie really learned a lot from Tyra about how to use her awkwardness during their "teach" (what a bullshit bastardization of that word) and translated it into her winning photo, but Tyra must have given her this little tidbit as well before she climbed up on that john:

All joking aside, Marjorie did look really great. I always love the pixie haircutted girl (A.J. and Mollie Sue, you were so robbed!) and while Marjorie and her crazed squirrel energy and lack of confidence are getting un peu annoying, I still like her look and she's taking pretty good photos.

On the flip side, while Samantha's short hair was one of the only remotely good makeovers, she sucks and is boring and for some reason is starting to mimic Tyra's tendency to break into weird accents at random. For that reason alone she should have been kicked off tonight. Lauren Brie getting kicked off was BULLSHIT!!!! She isn't one of my favorites at all and she looks pretty porny in person, but she's been taking the most consisently pretty and interesting photos this whole time so SHE should be the frontrunner to be America's...oh. I forgot. Taking good pictures is in no way a requirement to win this competition. SALEISHA. The winner is whomever Tyra decided was the winner many weeks ago and the fact that Lauren Brie's photos have generally been really good is the REASON she just got the chop. Tyra is eliminating the real competitors so that at the end she can pretend that Sheena or fucking Joslyn actually had the best pictures the whole time.

Really, I wasn't into Lauren Brie much at all, but as a parting gift, let us give her props for her amazing arms in this shot:

And Elina, oh Elina...I am so tired of the transparent attempts to push the girls' buttons by giving them a photo shoot that is blatantly based on their "weakness". Anchal, you think you're fat! You be a giant in the carnival shoot! Kim, you're too masculine! Be the Birth of Venus! Elina, they don't have emotions in Russia and your mom hates you and you have an icicle up your ass! CRY REAL TEARS!! LEARN FROM THIS!! Wah, wah. Way to make it look like she was actually having a real problem in the commercials as opposed to...performing as she was asked to do in the photo shoot.

I'm also over the Tyra Mail. Does she really not realize that those shots make her look like she has a mailbag for a uterus and that she's just become a woman all over the floor?

Finally, Sheena has been kind of quiet for the last few weeks, but I have to say I enjoyed her feeling all up on Marjorie's fake boobies (the grass is always greener!) and I had forgotten how "ghetto" her voice can be, though not as much as Tyra's stupid impression of her.

Last but not least, Mr. Jay and his sparkling tuxedo again tonight looked like he was about to start handing out roses to competitors for his heart who may or may not be gay.

Welcome back, Wholahay! It has been my pleasure to make fun of Tyra on my own, but it will be more fun with you back. Although now everyone will realize how much more funny and fierce you are than poor Spontaniouse. I'm still cracking up over the Maverick poster.

My friends, my friends...please be my friends?

2008-10-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

Hey kids. Wholahay here. (God, I love that I can write sentences like that and they make sense to people. Well certain people. Awesome people.) It's been ages since I've posted and for this I apologize (Spontaniouse has been dutifully picking up the slack, because she is one of said awesome people, in more ways than one).

So on to the nitty gritty, the point of post: how good Putin is, according to John McCain, at modeling with his eyes. Seriously! My favorite part of last night's debate was when John McCain assured us that he didn't think there would be another Cold War, even though he had looked into Putin's eyes and seen the letters K-G-B.

That is some serious talent.

In semi-related news, I really think the McCain/Palin campaign posters should be modified to look something like this:

Is that a lantern next to Jodie Foster/Sarah Palin, or the awesomest bong ever?

He did the mash

2008-10-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

You know, I almost feel bad for Mr. Jay this cycle. Has a week gone by that he hasn't in one way or another looked like a contestant on Sci-Fi Channel gay dating show? Despite rumors that he and Ms. Tyra aren't getting along (thanks to his ever-flourishing career as the host of Canada's Next Top Model), she apparently still has him gripped fiercely in her clutches. Last week was probably the best example of his still complete surrender to the train wreck that is this show, as well as an example of probably the most nonsensical introduction to a photo challenge ever, which is saying a lot:

Someone please explain to me why Mr. Jay arriving on set dressed like a Hellmouth demon extra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer somehow translates into the natural disaster/60's mod hair & makeup photo shoot? Like, was the makeup crew just totally bored and thought: "Monster makeup! Hurrah! Then we'll put the girls into their Laugh In hair!" What about natural disaster screams "beehives and go-go boots"? (And what about natural disaster screams...traffic jam?) I also loved that Before and After split screen--it's really hard to decide which is scarier, Jay Manuel the monster or Jay Manuel in his "natural" orange-skinned and silver-haired state.

The more I think about it, the more I really think that Tyra's minions got high and watched a few episodes of Buffy before hitting on this idea:

(I'm seriously having an epiphany here about how Mr. Jay and Spike the vampire have the exact same hair. It really explains so much.)

Then someone must have taken another bong hit and thought, "Paulina is such a bitch with bad hair and boring comments and nobody knew who she was before she joined the show! Gee, I miss Twiggy!"

[inhaaaaale] "Who has a bigger forehead, Tyra or Helen Hunt?"

And that somehow became last week's photo shoot. Sighhhhh. I miss the days of falling fairy tale characters and girls dressed in ice cream. Though I guess it's not as bad as all of Tyra's "issue" photo shoots, like smoking and murdered models.

Tomorrow night: Elina breaks down!

The greatest moment in ANTM history

2008-10-04T14:17:00.000-07:00

This is not debatable.

Though Tyra never fails to be hypocritical, self-righteous and generally full of shit, no other moment in the history of the show has yet to rival this moment of competely intentional diva glory. Fierce readers, let's revisit this moment from Cycle 4, shall we?

Oh, where to start?

1. As it has been proven to us in many other moments such as Tyra "fainting", Tyra making her own Spanish silent film, and especially in her starring role in Life-Size, Tyra Banks is a great actress. Usually she points this out by telling the girls afterward that they have been fooled by her mad skillz, but in this case, Tyra is trying to fool us more than them and manufacture some show drama. Watch her face at the 0:14 second mark as she begins to summon her fake rage that Tiffany could actually be handling her elimination with, oh, I don't know, humor and maturity instead of tears. ACTING!! If Tyra hasn't made a girl cry by the end of the day, she considers it a day wasted, and god forbid that Tiffany not be sobbing her weave off now that she's lost the opportunity to be on a Wal-Mart billboard. Because Tiffany's emotional reactions must be dictated by Tyra's exact expectations, of course. NOW THAT SHE'S BEEN KICKED OFF THE SHOW. I'm on Tiffany's side: she's no longer required to pretend like she gives a fuck what Tyra thinks, so why should she? Oh, Tyra will tell us why.

2. "Tiffany, I'm extremely disappointed in you...This is a joke to you." Here we go. I love how Tyra prefaces this entire rant by reminding Tiffany that she's been through anger management...before screaming at her. However, before Tyra blows her red weave, Tiffany quite rightly says that she could be hurting on the inside and not showing it on the outside, and that she "can't change it". Before she explains that she means she can't change the fact that she's been kicked off (which again makes perfect sense, but don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to give Tiffany TOO much credit here) Tyra and the panel seem to think she means she can't change her emotional reaction. Stupid Nole Marin (I think) or perhaps his little dog says "Yes, you can" and the rest of them agree: Yes, you CAN weep bitterly in front of us if you so choose!! And Tyra is about to make you do that!!!

3. Then Tyra really gets going. Really, this makes no sense at all. Tiffany says that she's sick of crying about things she can't change and that she's sick of being disappointed. Tyra of course has to contradict her and tell her that if she was sick of being disappointed she would stand up and take control of her destiny. But...you just determined that her destiny is NOT to be American's Next Top Model, so...?

"Did you know that you had a possibility to WIN?" (Only if you decided that for her Tyra, since as we well know, the winner is not actually picked based on performance or talent).

"Did you know that all of America is rooting for YOU?? Do you KNOW that??" Wow, on top of being an expert at eye smiling and a great actress, Tyra is apparently a clairvoyant as well! Because this freak out happened while the show was still filming and hadn't yet aired on television at all, Tyra apparently saw into the future and read the minds and hearts of all of the girls and gays watching the show and saw Tiffany's name emblazoned there in big sparkly letters. Or, this bullshit is entirely intentional and not the genuine product of Tyra's indignant rage.

"You read better than half those girls over there!" Um, no she didn't. If you recall, this was back when the girls had to undergo panel challenges, and in this one, they had to read a teleprompter as if they were commenting on fashions at a red carpet event or something. The script was intentionally filled with "difficult" words and designers' names, and all of them stumbled over the words, especially Tiffany, who totally made up different words to replace the ones she couldn't pronounce. Tyra, I so tire of your LIES.

"I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS!!" This is my favorite ANTM quote ever, and that includes all of Jade's floetry.

"WHEN MY MOTHER YELLS AT ME LIKE THIS IT'S BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME!!" Elina, take note.

"WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!! HOW DARE YOU!! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS!!" Um, maybe she dares because you just FUCKING KICKED HER OFF even though you were rooting for her so hard. Please, Tyra. If you really wanted her to win, she would win, even if she took the worst fucking pictures of the entire cycle. SALEISHA.

"YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT, YOU LAY THERE AND YOU TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!" By using condoms?

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL I COME FROM! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I BEEN THROUGH! BUT I'M NOT A VICTIM! I GROW FROM IT AND I LEARN!" Um, you come from California, you have loving supportive parents (a fashion manager/NASA photographer [Hilarious. What does that mean, really?] and a computer consultant, according to Wikipedia. How ghetto!) and you were a rich working model by the time you were seventeen, as we goddamn well know. Tiffany was a teen mother who lived with her grandmother in poverty, and you just told us that their lights got shut off so Tiffany's grandmother could buy her a bathing suit for the competition. As usual, I'm weeping for Tyra and her difficult, difficult life.

The icing on the cake is that in her exit interview, Tiffany acted all appreciative of Tyra for yelling at her, because like her mama, Tyra yells because she cares. And Tiffany felt special knowing that someone like Tyra cared about her. Riiiiiiight. Then she totally admitted later in an interview that the producers cajoled her into saying that, and that she actually was pissed about being screamed at. And that's why we call it reality TV.

Oh, Ty-Ty. You were really working hard this episode. First you did a surprise double elimination, and then you gave a performance that even I have to admit could have possibly won you a Daytime Emmy. Because you were ACTING. With a shitty, nonsensical script. And it was so pathetically obvious. Yet hilarious and totally entertaining, so...sigh. You win. Again.

If you would like more information on where the hell Tyra Banks comes from (if only we had a real answer for this mystery) I recommend checking out her bio on her website, which has hilariously elaborate graphics, and lots of photos from her early years, introduced by a tiny video Tyra reading from what apparently is the storybook of her life.

You can learn many interesting facts, such as the name of her high school best friend (Midnight) and see some awesome pictures of little Tyra, including one of her on a schoolbus that says ASS and a really beautiful shot of her with the chicken pox. Which I'm sure was the itchiest case of chicken pox ever known to the world, because no matter what we have suffered, Tyra has suffered more deeply and longer. Also, I said it before and I'll say it again: I'm convinced that she had a nose job, no matter how real those boobs are supposed to be.

http://www.tyrabanks.com/

You WILL See Me Again! Brittany, Cycle 11

2008-10-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Okay. I had not even planned on including any of the girls from this Cycle in the YWSMA segments, but I just discovered Brittany's famous "I was the first black girl on a cover in Las Vegas" credential. Technically this doesn't count for YWSMA because it's work she did BEFORE going on ANTM, but I am hoping this is a sign of great things to come for Brittany (and consequently, the Weave). It is so awesome, I can scarcely contain myself.

I can't decide which part of this cover is my favorite. The sensuously steaming ear of corn? The declaration that "THE KIDS DIG RON PAUL!" (Oh god. So frightening).

This also totally looks like the type of magazine that you can get for free in sidewalk dispensers.

But really, the piece de resistance has to be "VISITING THE HOOTERS OF COFFEE SHOPS!" What's got two thumbs and and loves a fine honking pair with her chai tea latte? :::points to self with thumbs, get it?::: THIS GIRL!!

Hey, Brittany should let Sheena know where that place is so she can put those fake tits to good use after her modeling career fails. Even (or perhaps, especially) if she wins ANTM. Which she might, by the way. Even though there can only be ONE Kimora Lee Simmons. Yes, Tyra. Let us not oversaturate the market with working Asian cover girls.

"The meat falls on top of your eyes."

2008-10-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

Sorry, fierce readers! The Weave is seriously behind. These are the perils of work and grad school, though Wholahay and I would like nothing better than to devote all of our time and energies to making fun of Tyra Banks.

Still, I will do my best to touch upon the highlights of the last few episodes:

First, I don't know if words can properly describe the precursor to the makeovers this year. Of course it was entirely necessary for Tyra to meet with the girls while wearing the biggest tiara in the room and begin by telling another story about just how hard it was to move to Paris at age 17 and become a rich and successful supermodel, as well as describing the trials and tribulations of "MAKING OVER" (god, the subtext is killing me! What could possibly be next!) her career to achieve her lifelong dream of being a talk show host. I'm weeping glycerine tears for her. (Take my portrait, Tyra! You do it so well!) Then Mr. Jay showed up looking like the gayest Prince Charming ever dreamed up somewhere over the rainbow. Apparently the princes of fairy tale dreams also have the same floppy silver Rider Strong hair as gay aliens from the future. Seriously, hair & makeup department: Get Mr. Jay a new wig. Sutan, I'm not blaming you.

Then, sighhhhhhh...Do I even have the energy to discuss Miss Jay showing up as the Evil Queen disguised as a witch? (Hmmm...I guess that's pretty accurate). Tyra spewing apple chunks out of her mouth? Mr. Jay's look of distaste as he leaned in for the Tyra kiss, and then staggered under her weight as he attempted to carry her out of the room? No, not really. All I can say is, new levels of gaydom have been reached. That shit was gayer than RuPaul on crystal meth getting a blow job from Richard Simmons at a Sunday afternoon matinee of Xanadu.

The makeovers. Not much to say about the makeovers, since they really didn't do a whole lot to change the girls' looks. I'm glad that they didn't give my Marjorie a big long weave as I suspected, but the poopy brown isn't really doing anything for her. Also, Tyra: Just because Sheena is Asian and an aspiring model doesn't automatically mean she resembles Kimora Lee Simmons, and so giving her cheap chunky highlights won't do much else but make her hair party like it's 1999.

As for Elina's new look: Meh. It doesn't look that horrible on her, but when Jay first described it, it seemed like he was talking about long, Renaissance-type hair, which sounded like it could be pretty with Elina's pale skin and big eyes:

Instead, she got the clown hair. Also, what was with the whole THIS IS UNLIKE ANY MAKEOVER WE'VE EVER DONE BEFORE!! thing? Somewhere, Cycle 8's Brittany is still slapping at a phantom weave on her head in protest:

I love it too that by giving Elina red hair, that somehow makes her "racially ambiguous." I mean, I have seen some sassy black ladies rocking some fierce red weaves, but Elina still looks whiter than an albino's ass. Though with Tyra's sage advice to be aware while smiling that "the meat falls on top of your eyes", I'm sure she'll be giving Kimora a run for the money soon. Sheena, beware!

And let us not the forget the "I've never loved my mother" comment from Elina and the subsequent outrage from some of the other girls. She and Hannah have now both been totally gang raped. Look, ladies--her schtick is being all intense and depressed and "edgy". She has a tattoo above her vag that says "Ditto Angelina" for chrissakes. (As in the famous one above Angelina's famous vag that says in Latin "What nourishes me, destroys me." Really Elina, I can't roll my eyes back in my head far enough. They've rolled all the way around and come back to center). Of course she hates her mother. And maybe even with good reason. I forget who said it, but just because your mother provides you with food and shelter (which is like, the first rule of motherhood, wouldn't you say?) that doesn't mean that she is emotionally supportive or kind or understanding. That being said, I'm sure Elina is also a big old drama queen on a reality show. But still.

Honestly, I can't even remember who got kicked off two weeks ago. That wicked skinny girl, right? It's all starting to blur together in my mind. But I do know that Tyra prefaced one of the panel discussions by wondering, "Who's goin' back to their hizzle? Fo' shizzle?" She's so racially ambiguous.

On to the controversial elimination of Hannah! Whatever. She walked down that runway like she had a gigantic Alaskan pipeline up her ass, and I was thrilled to see her ignorance and crazy eyes get kicked to the curb. Smell ya later! The only surprising part of it was that I thought for sure they'd keep her around for "controversy" and "drama" for a while longer, but she was just too boring to sustain it.

Same thing with the surprise eliminations of Isis and then Clark this week! In almost one fell swoop, Tyra has gotten rid of all the people on the show who might be deemed "controversial" or the "villain". Further proof that this show stopped bothering to pretend it's not completely rigged by Tyra many a cycle ago. I mean, even before Saleisha "won".

Poor Isis. Despite all of her godfather Tremain's wise advice about being herself, she just couldn't bring it. And for some reason, Tyra decided not to beat the "cause" horse to death. She clearly wanted Isis to feel uncomfortable though, because what else could have truly inspired that water shoot? I mean, besides Tyra's vacation with her friend when she had the GENIUS and ORIGINAL idea to take photos with her eyes just above the water! Wow!!! Will Tyra's creativity never cease? I haven't seen that kind of shot in like 40 perfume/diamonds ads, ever! Also, I love that Tyra thinks she's being all "real" (as usual) by admitting that she takes modeling shots even when she's on vacation with a "friend" (who clearly is not as beautiful or fierce as Tyra, even Tyra sans makeup). Anyway, I wish Isis hadn't been so worried about her bits floating free, since it was only supposed to be an eyes shot. Girl, you are a fierce tranny from Transylvania and you're not even apologizing for it. And I hope you're not homeless anymore.

P.S. Where was Tremain in those difficult days, btw? Too bad they didn't keep Isis on long enough so that Cycle 8's Renee could come back and have a heartfelt discussion with her about being homeless. On a beach in Hawaii. Riiiiiiight. Whatever you say, NeNe.

I was dancing with glee to see Clark go of course, although I will miss making fun of her goat nose every week. Actually, several people have pointed out that she looks sort of like Cycle 4 runner up Kahlen***, which is sort of true. If Kahlen had journeyed through a wardrobe into a magical land called Narnia, and met a friendly faun beneath a lamppost and then gotten down with him to produce a homophobic bitch named Clark:

PLUS

EQUALS

Tell me she does not look like the illegitimate child of Mr. Tumnus. With a denim vagina. Anyway, happy trails to you and your camel toe, Clark! Try not to shoot anyone after you get back home.

My final comment for now is on Tyra's sanctimonious farewell speech to Isis. What the fuck was up with her stumbling through the "lesbian...gay...bisexual...transgendered...did I get all of those, Miss Jay?" comment. And with such a fucking eyes-rolled-back-in-her-head insulting shit-eating look on her face? As if she doesn't owe her entire career to the LGBT community? Ughhh. I hate her.

Coming soon: More comments on the last few weeks, and the next segment of You Will See Me Again!

***Side note Kahlen story: My sister lives here in New York too, and over the summer she went out to dinner and her waitress was...Kahlen! Man, this show has done wonders for her. Anyway, my sister hates Tyra Banks with such a passion that she can't even bring herself to watch ANTM anymore (unlike the rest of us desperate addicted souls who just can't look away). But she must have seen it back in the day, because she recognized Kahlen and said, "Hey, didn't you come in third on America's Next Top Model?" Kahlen gave her some major stank eye and said, "Actually, I came in second." Sorry Kahlen! You are beautiful, no matter what they say! Words can't bring you down.

YOUR WILDEST DREAMS HAVE COME TRUUUUE! AHHHHHH!!!

2008-09-21T13:02:00.001-07:00

To return to a brief point in my last post: Tyra, your wildest dream will never come true. You will never be Oprah. And this pathetic attempt on your show to rival Oprah's generosity is just the most hilarious example of the failure of what I like to call Tyra's Oprah ASSpirations.

Okay, I know that Bedazzled VaselineGate is pretty old news by now, but let's re-examine this clip from Tyra's show again, because it's just fucking insane. Sorry that the sound is a little out of sync.

1. I haven't seen the rest of the episode, but I'm assuming there's a reason why Tyra looks like she just rolled out of bed. She's so REAL!

2. Those poor ladies in the audience know they're not getting car keys under their seats, but I think it's a safe bet to say that at the very least they were hoping that the gift of Tyra's "biggest beauty secret" was going to at least be something they normally couldn't afford, like $30 an ounce Clinique eye cream or something.

3. Instead, they're forced to go apeshit for fucking Vaseline. I don't care how long Tyra's minions spent hot gluing rhinestones on those containers, it's just fucking Vaseline. Like I said in an earlier post, I went to a taping of Tyra's show last year and the crew preps you to act excited and cheer, and I'm sure the ladies in this audience got a big lecture on going crazy for Tyra's big reveal. Ugh. Tyra, you could afford to give these women actual gift baskets. Stop trying to be "real". You're not real. (And rumor has it that her nose definitely isn't real, even though supposedly her boobs are). You're an ex-supermodel and you're loaded. Give the women some Estee Lauder products, for chrissakes. At the very least, some items from Cover Girl. God knows they've been up your ass long enough.

4. She's mimicking Oprah's "And you! And you! And you!" speech while rolling around on the floor like an epileptic. You will not be catching Ms. O with her ass in the grass any time soon.

5. I love how you can spot the people in the audience who know this is total bullshit, and are all like, Okay. I am done screaming for something I can get at CVS for like $3.99. Check out the awesome look on the face of the blonde girl in red around the 1:57 mark after Tyra screams "These Vaselines are worth ONE HUNDRED DOLLAAAAARS!!" The blonde's frozen smile is so "Are you kidding me? Bitch, please."
I love it. Also, Tyra is hilariously out of breath by that point.

6. Ummmm...maybe Tyra hasn't had this problem, but excessive use of Vaseline can actually really fuck with your skin. For a while in high school I was using Vaseline every day instead of Chapstick, and my lips got so addicted to it that when I finally stopped using it, my lips and the skin around my mouth dried up like a desert basin. I could barely speak, and I had to walk around for weeks looking like I had made out with the Cryptkeeper. All my wildest dreams had come true.

Therefore, if it's true that Tyra does use Vaseline as her only moisturizer (which I have a hard time believing) the chances are good that she would end up looking completely like the Cryptkeeper if she stopped using it.

You know this is what she looks like on the inside anyway. Look, he even has a scraggly weave and a five-head! It's like the Picture of Tyrian Gray.

A diamond is forever, and so are vagina armpits

2008-09-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

The Weave has been uncharacteristically quiet for the last few days, but not to worry: ANTM's new levels of ridiculousness (as evidenced by this week's makeover episode) will be discussed soon. One thing I will say though is that it would have made a lot more sense for Miss Jay to be the fairy godmother and for Tyra to be the evil witch.

I kind of hate to admit it, but the new season really is entertaining me far more than the show has in a while. Dammit, Tyra! Your plan is working. (Just the one to try to spice up ANTM again--not the one to steal Oprah's throne. P.S. Give up). After being pretty bored during Cycles 9 and 10 (despite the excitement of living vicariously through my college pal Claire as she yelled at Dominique, pumped breast milk, and ultimately was kicked off way too early in Cycle 10) Tyra has apparently climbed down off of her soap box a teeny bit, just long enough to grab a plate of mashed potatoes and (in what is clearly an obvious attempt to keep the show "wild!" and "interesting"!) reduce herself again to insanely absurd gimmicks and outfits to grab our attention rather than supposed "causes". Ahhh, it's like Cycles 4-7 all over again. I miss that red weave, though. Her hair and makeup are actually looking pretty good this season. Where are my gypsy head wraps and 6-inch eyelashes??

I wasn't kidding about the mashed potatoes, by the way. It looks like Tyra's gained back a few pounds, eh? Know how I know? Not just by looking at her, but by the way her hemline has risen yet again (to distract us with those bizarre and disproportionately skinny ankles) and by the way she stands at an angle when she's handing out the photos, which is a way to distract from love handles, as she taught hot lesbian Kim. Oh, and last week's kimono. But seriously, check out her stance next time. I'm on to you, Banks.

(Really, her ankles do not look like they can support her. She really is a physical miracle of nature. They're like the anti-cankles. But that's not necessarily a good thing).

In tribute to Tyra's Big Fat Ass, I'd like to share this photo of her back in her true supermodel days. However, please note that despite her peak physical condition, the vagina armpits are still in full effect.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not see Ms. Tyra smiling with her eyes or fiercely connecting to the camera AT ALL in that picture. In fact, she looks a little spaced out. Mmm hmmm. Mmm hmmm. Hypocrisy, thy name is Tyra. But we knew that.

Also, exciting news: The Weave has received its first comment from someone we don't even know! Big Weave shoutout to beliefunwrought! Thanks so much! You're our first Weavologist.

You WILL see me again!

2008-09-14T19:37:00.001-07:00

Just to lighten up on all the politics I can't help dragging into the Weave, I'd like to introduce a segment I call You WILL See Me Again! Famous last words from axed ANTM contestants who, despite this declaration, do not become famous themselves. Though to be fair, we do see them again...on ANTM marathons. Hi girls!

Though a few contestants have made decent careers for themselves (Cycle 5's hot lesbian Kim on MTV, Cycle 1's Elyse in Japan, Cycle 2's Yoanna on various TV gigs) most of these girls fade into obscurity faster than you can say "I only have one photo in my hands."**

Or, like the star of today's You WILL See Me Again!, Cycle 6 runner up Joanie Dodds, you model wigs. For Midwestern church ladies, apparently. I really hope she got paid for this, however paltry a sum it might have been. Hey, at least she gave up cage dancing! Papa, don't preach.

**I mean, faster than it takes a normal person to say that. As opposed to: "I. Only...have...ONE. PHO-to. In...my...hands."

"Just two years ago I was a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital!"

2008-09-14T19:21:00.000-07:00

Again, this is a bit of a digression for the Weave, but Tyra started it.

I wish Tina Fey and Jon Stewart would have babies.

ACCESS DENIED

2008-09-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to remind Wholahay that we've already seen a disturbing preview of what it would be like to have a weaveless Tyrabot stumbling toward us, growling with its eyes:

Do not vote for the Cover Girl of the Weak

2008-09-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know the Weave is about Top Model which is the very definition of escapism, so I hate to drag in the insanely frustrating topic of the current election, but Tyra already took it there so here we go. Hey, remind me again what a bureaucracy is?

Just thought everyone would appreciate this pretty funny parody of Republican Vice-Presidential candidate nightmare Sarah Palin. If Hannah is any indication of her kind of leadership, we're in big fucking trouble. (Joking aside, Sarah Palin is a corrupt closed-minded anti-feminist evangelical who doesn't give a shit about the environment, women's rights, queer rights, or any of the the truths we hold to be self-evident. Do not let this woman be one heart attack away from the leadership of the "free" world).

Also, Gina Gershon is still hot. Doggy chow, anyone?

Barack the Vote!!

Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that

2008-09-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

All credit for this post is due to my hilarious and fierce homeboy Thug Monkey. Witch Crew 4 Eva! He pointed out that the following video is what Tyrabot and the Jays attempted to achieve with the tMIT, yet they clearly fell incredibly short in doing so.

Sorry, this video's embedding was disabled. And Spontaniouse is technology differently-abled. Click! for genuine fierceness Tyra (and Benny Ninja) can only dream about. Though perhaps the alien/laser/gay twins of the future schtick might have been a little less lame had the show spent a little bit more on the special effects and not 95% of the budget on pimping out the Top Model house with pictures of Tyra. You know that's why those contestant interviews are always filmed in fluorescent lighting instead of something even slightly more flattering. Sorry girls!! No soft lighting for you! We had to have one more ginormous Tyra portrait superimposed on your shower curtain instead! And didn't you know that Tyra worked for 10 years before she was filmed in a soft glow? In Paris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuMmfDWMLgY

A handbag full of sparkling jewels and accessories!

2008-09-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

As a nun about to peace out from a life of chastity to bang an Austrian duke or some shit once sang in a field, let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

The new opening credits. I have to say, I really miss Tyra fiercely waving her gloved hand in front of her face from last season's credits, but I guess the ferocious sass finger is a decent substitute. Also, I love that quick shot of her leaning back oh-so-casually on a couch, talking to a "model". I guess we're supposed to believe that this is Tyra imparting advice on what it takes to be America's. Next. Top. MOD-el to a contestant via actual words and not random noises and facial expressions, but let's be real. In that shot she looks like...a talk show host! Wow, Tyra Banks! A talk show host! Why on earth would the credits be trying to create the impression that Tyra Banks is a...oh, never mind. Plug plug plug, Tyra Banks Show, Emmy Emmy blah.

(P.S. I went to a taping of the Tyra Banks show last year, and happened to be there for the Valentine's Day episode. Tyra rose from the floor through a trap door in the back of the audience, and walked down the stairs while people on the aisle threw red rose petals in her wake. I'm not kidding. She also has a little gay Latino man running after her whose only job is to comb the bangs on her weave in between every take. Also, the theme was surprise proposals, and there was not one single gay marriage or any women proposing to men. Instead, we watched two men propose to their girlfriends before shipping out to Iraq, as well as Tyra's interview with a young couple who had originally lost their virginity on her show. [I know, riiiiight? What??] They told her they were engaged and planning to adopt children. Tyra: "That's so wonderful that you're going to adopt! Are you going to have normal children too?")

The new Tyra Mail. I can understand Tyra as a postal worker because of the obvious connotations of batshit craziness, but the blowjob face flashing onscreen like 4 times an episode is just discomfiting. Whatever, as long as we don't have to listen to 14 quasi-illiterate people attempt to read words in unison off of that slow-ass digital ticker mail.

The continued presence of Benny Ninja. As amusing as it is to watch Benny cry "Click! Click! Click!" while hitting "fierce" poses, I just don't get why Tyra keeps bringing him back so often. They must have made some kind of deal on a lavender night at a gay crossroads or something, because the contortionist bullshit is just unrealistic. And I say that fully aware of the new definitions of "unrealistic" created by this show. But I'm serious. Flexibility can be useful to couture posing and all, but try telling Naomi Campbell that she has to wrap her leg around her head and cram herself into a box. Or Tyra herself, for that matter. Nobody could actually do that unless you are, like guest model Bree, a Model/Contortionist. (I want that business card. I also want one that says Math Enthusiast/Bad Ass MC, even though I hate math. What up, Kevin G!)

Also notice that Tyra never participates in these sessions because there's no way she could feign superiority to the girls who actually turn out to be flexible (props to Sheena on this episode, still shocked that Cycle 7's Anchal was good at something besides whining and eating 4 fried eggs at a time). Besides, any major campaign that really wanted some crazy contortion in an ad could afford to photo doctor the shoot. They do it for every major shoot anyway, despite how many times Tyra tells the contestants that they have to "earn" the kind of airbrushing that she gets now. Tell it to the cheese fries, Ty-Ty.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_collins

Also, Benny Ninja is amazingly flexible, but his discomfort always shows in his face when he's doing his "extreme" poses. Especially when he's split-legged across a chair wearing a mini-chapeau rejected from the Moulin Rouge! wardrobe department. Or perhaps it was simply the mental strain of knowing he was about to put 13 girls into what resembled those adult re-birthing canals used in that controversial "attachment" therapy, and the proximity to even a faux vagina was too much for him. You know that guy has not been near a birth canal since he came triple snapping out of his mama's womb.

Hey, is Hannah a racist? Idaho, Alaska! Calling yourself a "stereotypical white person" is definitely asking for trouble and is completely ignorant and stupid, especially when you're talking to an Asian girl and an African-American girl. She must have learned the phrase "dance up on me" from Britney Spears which must mean that one day she found a battery-operated radio out on the tundra somewhere (even though she's never had indoor plumbing or electricity or, clearly, a black best friend like Whitney's). I think she's mostly a naive, inexperienced and ignorant girl who isn't intentionally being a bigoted ho (unlike Cycle 10's asshole Allison and her stupid My Racist Barbie) but despite that, the shit in the pool was not cool. (It never is). Isis was simply backing up and obviously not intentionally violating Hannah's "boundaries" and Hannah's panicked shove clearly reveals her discomfort with Isis and therefore her transphobia. Girl needs to stop hating. Yet I notice she didn't jump out of the pool when Elina's repellent wish to kiss goatface Clark was granted. (Maybe now when Clark's TV bitch factor wears off halfway through the season and she "goes home a lesbian" to her "traditional" town, they'll shoot her!)

Also, I'm sorry Wholahay: I have to call my own "What's a Bureaucracy?" moment here:

Hannah: "If their whole prerogative was making me feel bad..."

Um, yes. I guess that was their prerogative, if not their intention. And it's my prerogative to tell you that you're an idiot who needs a vocabulary lesson. Also, everybody's talkin' all this stuff about me. Why don't they just let me live? (Tell me why!) I don't need permission. Make my own decisions. Oh...Britney could definitely teach her another thing or two.

Wow, I haven't even made it to the judging yet. But I must fiercely sign off for now. But not before pointing out that I really thought that Mr. Jay introduced tonight's photographer as "Microweave". Mike Ruiz should seriously consider that. Wow, Microweave...that could be the ultimate combination of quality beer and cheap hair.

Speaking of hair, Sutan looks HOTTT with his hair cut short. His beauty is aspirational and relatable. Nikeysha, take notes.

Wholahay's Take: "2008: A Tyra Odyssey"

2008-09-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

Well children, here we are. After 10 cycles, countless moments of bitchery, Lupus and snaggle-tooth surgery, flesh-eating bacteria and little bits o' autism, we find ourselves embarking upon cycle 11, which we are promised will be the fiercest, most mind-boggling yet. Forget the promises of yesteryear, laddies. This time they *mean* it. They've spent those long, arduous months between cycles 10 and 11 doing mind-numbing fierce research, conducting exhaustive fierce studies, and crafting a fierce Tyrabot--a marvel of sciencyness that looks JUST like the real Tyra, but talks.all.robotic.like.this. I wonder if there's a room in the Top Model Institute of Technology (tMIT for short, delivering the modeltology of the future....TODAY!) where all the prototype Tyrabots are stored. I imagine something similar to the The Stepford Wives: you walk in and all the defective Tyrabot heads turn toward you. An eyeless Tyrabot lumbers in your direction, demanding your eyes. Or a weaveless Tyrabot demands your weave. Ack weaveless Tyrabot. This will keep me up at night. That horrible image in place, here are my thoughts on what may have been the best, but certainly the most teleportation-heavy top model premiere ever:

The Jays

Are there words? Are there really words to describe to describe my reaction upon being introduced to Alpha Jay and Beta Jay? I don’t think there are, really, but on the plus side, I may have discovered EXACTLY which Ken doll Mr. Jay looked like (was he alpha or beta? I can't remember). Some of you fellow children of the eighties might remember Barbie and the Rockers. I know I do. And apparently, so does the tMIT:

Just imagine that with silver hair, as I'm sure you already have.

The laser-beam-model-detectonator-machine-doohickey-or-some-such-bullshit-extraordinaire

I would just like to point out that this marks the second time an episode of Top Model features laser technology, lest we forget this awesomeness:

Clark and Hannah Not-From-Montana-But-Close-Enough

They grew up in towns where getting shot because you're different is....not wrong, just more "traditional"?? What??

Perhaps Clark's town also held the more "traditional" view that the definition of bureaucracy shouldn't be taught in schools, and instead, children should be taught differently. Perhaps that on the eighth day God created red tape, cubicles, and meaningless managerial positions.

Regardless, this blog shall henceforth feature a little segment I like to call the "What's a Bureaucracy?" Award for Dumbest Shit Ever. I decree it.

Today's "What's a Bureaucracy?" Award for Dumbest Shit Ever

Clark: "What's a Bureaucracy?"

DOMO ARIGATO TYRA ROBOTO

2008-09-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

Oh. No. She. Didn't.

Every time a new cycle begins, I can't imagine how the new premiere could possibly be more ridiculous or inherently lame than the last one. And then Mr. and Miss Jay (come on, could we at least be Ms. Jay?) arrive looking like gay twins from the future spawned from a cross-DNA hybrid of Donatella Versace and Donna Summer mixed in a disco globe.

But before we get to the (true!) tranny fierceness of a brand new cycle, let us first say: Welcome to the Weave! We are Wholahay and Spontaniouse, fierce bitches who have wasted countless precious hours of our lives watching Tyra Banks use onomatopoeia to impart wisdom gleaned from modeling since the age of 17. (In Paris. Did you know?) We decided that instead of merely yelling at the TV every Wednesday night and hotly debating each episode over gchat for hours at a time, we would create this blog, mainly so we could quote the show even more often than we already do.

We also want to give big ups to Potes of televisionwithoutpity.com and to Rich from http://fourfour.typepad.com/ for doing it (like Kanye West) harder, better, faster, stronger. It's also possible that Rich might do anything for a Klondike and that Potes would do anything for a blonde dyke. They've gotten us through many long boring work days, and you should be all over their blogs like Prince was on Apollonia.

(I'm sorry. Goddamn you, So You Think You Can Dance, for making me obsessed with that song).

Welcome to the Weave. Full reports on the fierceness of Cycle 11 to follow soon.